The Miracle of Morgan's Creek Page #7

A crack in the floor...

so I'm getting this as a surprise for her.

Her finger felt kind of naked.

- I can't do it, Norval!

- But, Mr. Swartz...

They wrote me a letter.

- But it's just to wear around...

- Wool is very scarce.

- "We've got to save it for the soldiers."

- Well, how about cotton?

"Cotton is very scarcer."

It says so in the next paragraph somewhere.

What for do you want

for a uniform for, anyhow?

- I wouldn't want you to tell anybody.

- Norval!

Well, it's just to put...

I mean, to wear around the house.

- When you've always wanted...

- How about an Indian suit with feathers?

That? No, thank you.

- Wait! Just to wear around the house?

- Well, in the yard, maybe.

- I got it!

- You have? You got it?

- It ain't the latest.

- What does that matter?

You got the shoes, too?

I'll even throw in the gun.

For $5 you got the whole works.

And you can play soldier

till your feet wear out.

- That's very kind of you, Mr. Swartz.

- Very kind of you, Norval.

You can have the steel helmet, too.

But that's bigamy just as much as

if you married him as Norval Jones.

No, it isn't. They do it all the time.

When a king wants to get married,

only, he's too busy in his own kingdom...

and he can't get over

to the other kingdom...

and the other king won't send

the princess over C.O. D...

because he doesn't trust the first king.

So they send a kind of a phony bridegroom

over and he marries the princess.

Except, he doesn't really marry her.

It's what they call "marriage by prexy."

I didn't know prexies

could perform marriages.

I didn't either.

- Well, it's bigamy.

- It is not!

Good evening.

I've come to take Trudy to the movies.

- What's so funny about that?

- Nothing.

Shall I tell her I'm here or will you?

What do you want me to do, fire a salute?

Very funny.

- You remember what I told you last night?

- Yes, sir.

- Keep thinking about it?

- Yes, sir.

- Movie is a very good place.

- Yes, sir.

- You can hold hands.

- Sure.

- Snuggle up.

- Fine.

- You get the idea?

- Perfectly.

Do you want me to come

and sit behind you?

No.

Okay. Then, I guess that's about all.

Trudy!

They ain't giving away

a set of dishes tonight, are they?

That must be him. Emmy, get my coat.

- Keep cool, Trudy.

- I'm cool!

- I'm not excited! Hello, Norval.

- Hello, Trudy.

We're going to see some

pretty good movies tonight.

- You said it, Norval.

- Are you gonna start that stuff now?

Well, goodbye, Papa.

- Goodbye, Mr. Kockenlocker.

- Goodbye, Emmy.

- Goodbye, Emmy.

- Goodbye, honey.

What's all the goodbying for?

They're seeing a couple of bum features.

Three features.

The Bride Wore Purple...

The Road to Reno,

and Are Husbands Necessary?

- And then home! No boogie-woogie!

- Papa, can't you be more refined?

Goodbye and watch your step!

Papa!

What's going on around here, anyway?

- It's about 25 miles.

- I'm going to die before we get there.

There's nothing to be nervous about.

There's a justice of the peace.

- You got the uniform?

- It's in the back.

- And the ring?

- It's in the uniform.

- How do you look in it?

- I don't know. I haven't tried it on yet.

Now, look. There's one thing

we've got to settle on.

- What was his first name?

- You mean Ratzkiwatzki?

- Naturally.

- Does he have to have a first name?

Of course he has to have a first name.

Everybody has a first name.

Even dogs have first names,

even if he hasn't got any last name.

Well, I don't know.

I had an uncle named Roscoe.

- Roscoe! "He eats them alive!"

- What?

That's a snake eater's name!

- Well, it was my uncle's name.

- Well, how about Hugo?

Phooey.

Well, how about Otis?

- That was...

- Phooey.

- That was my father's name.

- I'm sorry.

It doesn't matter. You can call him

Montmorency for all I care.

- What goes good with Ratzkiwatzki?

- Nothing.

How about Ignatz?

Ignatz! You'd have to take

bicarbonate with that one.

Ignatz Ratzkiwatzki. Yeah, that fits all right.

Phooey.

It's all very well to sit there

and say "phooey"...

but I've got to find a first name

before we get there.

All right, Ignatz.

It's funny having almost our first fight

on the way to the altar.

Well, it isn't like having a bad fight.

It's more like people have

when they're picking out a name for their...

You mustn't think about that, Trudy.

Remember what it says in the Bible:

"Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

And there isn't going to be any evil, Trudy.

Never for you.

Thank you, Norval.

- I bought you something.

- Thank you, Norval.

Please don't do that.

It's just that I feel almost as if

it was me marrying you.

I wish it were, Norval, so much.

- You really mean that, Trudy?

- Of course I do.

Look out!

It doesn't seem to be such a very good fit.

There seems to be

something wrong with it, Norval.

This must be the cavalry or something.

I haven't seen anything

like this around here.

What are those things?

I guess they go around your legs

or something.

Maybe it's a tropical uniform,

like General MacArthur wears.

Well, I never saw any pictures of

General MacArthur looking like this.

- What happened?

- I'm afraid to find out.

Norval.

There seems to be

another seat left, anyway.

- Couldn't you hoist them up a little?

- Be careful!

How many seats do you think

these pants have, anyway?

- I'm sorry.

- Well, how do I look?

Well, you don't look like General MacArthur.

- Good evening.

- We'd like to be married.

Straight ahead, please.

Another army couple, Jake.

Just take it easy.

It'll all be over in a minute.

- I wish it were all over now.

- There's nothing to be nervous...

Good evening. Thinking of getting married?

Good idea.

- The names, please.

- Gertrude...

- How was that again?

- Gertrude...

Take it easy. There's nothing

to be scared of. People do it everyday.

- The bad part comes later.

- Gertrude Kockenlocker.

- K-O-C-K-E-N-L-O-C-K-E-R.

- L-O-C-K-E-R? That's better.

- And yours, young man?

- Ignatz.

Ignatz Ratzki...

How was that again?

- Ignatz Ratz...

- Now, take it easy, will you?

- I-G-N-A-N-A-T-T-Z.

- R-A-T-Z-W-l-Z-K-l-W-Z.

K-Z, what?

- Ratzkiwatzki.

- That's close enough.

Bride's residence?

17 Genessee Street, Morgan's Creek.

Morgan's Creek. Ever been married before?

I said, you ever been married before?

That's a simple question.

- No, sir.

- Groom's residence?

What are you doing down there?

What is the groom's residence?

Where do you live, in a tree?

- Your camp.

- Camp Smum.

Camp what?

- Smum.

- Where is it located?

It's located in Smum County.

- Suppose I just put "U.S. Army"?

- Fine.

- Fine.

- Fine.

- Is there still time?

- Plenty.

Now, if the witnesses will ever get here...

Miss Sally Blair and my wife

will act as witnesses for you.

Miss Gertrude Kockenlocker

and Mr. Ignatz Ratzkiwatzki Watastki.

Something like that. Or should that be

Pvt. Ignatz and the rest of it?

Are you sure that you love each other?

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