The Miracle of Morgan's Creek Page #8

- What do you think they came here for?

- Are they sure?

Do you want lots of little babies?

And the patter of footsie-wootsies?

You better lay off

or I won't let you be witness anymore.

- Let's get down to business!

- Let's.

Take off your hat. "Ignatz Razly-Wazly.

"Do you take this woman,

Gertrude Sockenbocker...

"for your lawful wedded wife

to have and hold...

"to cherish and keep forever,

till death do you part?"

- I do.

- "Gertrude Krockendocker.

"Do you take Ignatz Razzby-Wadsby

for your lawful wedded husband...

"to have and hold, in sickness and health...

"to love, cherish and keep forever

till death do you part?"

- I do.

- Then give me the ring.

Place it on her third finger

and repeat after me:

- With this ring I thee wed.

- "With this ring I thee wed."

Then with the authority vested in me

by our sovereign state...

I now pronounce you man and wife.

That'll be $2, please.

That's all there is to it. Sign here.

Thank you. That certainly made me nervous.

If you knew what it was like,

it would make you nervouser.

Jake.

- I've got it, dear.

- Fine. Now, sign there.

It certainly makes me feel much better.

There you are.

And a little cookbook goes with it...

with best wishes from those

who may have to eat the cooking.

Don't forget the pitty-patter. I always say,

a childless home is like a homeless child.

Just a minute!

- Who's Norval Jones?

- Norval!

Lock the door, Mariah!

This man is an abductor!

Get off my lap! What's the matter with you?

I've got a right to sit on your lap.

I'm your daughter, aren't I?

- That's what they told me.

- I'm nervous.

- What about?

- You don't hear a police siren, do you?

A police siren? That's a tree toad.

I keep feeling I hear a police siren.

How could you hear a police siren

when there ain't one in town?

I don't know.

I thought I heard it again there.

How could you hear a police siren when...

- there ain't one in town?

- What's that, a hoot owl?

That's a...

Make way, please.

- Hello, Papa.

- Trudy!

What's all this?

What are all you coppers doing in my town?

- Ever see this man before?

- Certainly I've seen him before!

What're you doing in the outfit, Norval?

All, please take notice

his name is Norval, not Ignatz...

and that is not his regular outfit.

Who said it was? What are they

supposed to have done anyway?

- You'll find out.

- Go on in the house! Go on.

Clear out of here, folks. Go on.

Go on home before I pinch you

for loitering! Get out of here!

He did what? All right, Edmund,

I'll be right over.

Norval's in some mess

with the Kockenlocker girl.

- I don't believe it.

- Nobody asked you to.

Are you nuts or something?

What's the idea of the get-up?

What war do you think you're in, buddy?

The ghost of the AEF.

Let's see your dog tags, General.

No more dog tags than feathers on a fish.

What camp you from, soldier?

U.S. Marines on one side

and Cavalry on the other.

A horse marine! I always wanted to see one.

Do you mind if I examine

the evidence, Corporal?

- Sergeant, if it's all the same to you...

- Just leave him alone!

I can explain everything to my father!

- But can you explain it to the judge?

- What judge! What's the charge?

- I fear there may be several.

- What are they?

If it's all the same to you,

I'm the sheriff of this county...

and will conduct the investigation.

You happen to be in Morgan's Creek

and I happen to be the town constable.

So if anybody's going to conduct

an investigation...

It's a federal matter, as a matter of fact,

so if it's all the same to you...

The way I learned, any man in uniform

is in the Army till proved different.

So we'll just take him over to camp.

Take your hands off my prisoner!

Good evening, all.

Who did what to who and where, any little

colorful sidelights and stories of interest?

I'm Mr. Johnson, a lawyer.

I represent Norval Jones.

Why, Norval! What are you doing

in your Boy Scout outfit?

Boy Scout outfit?

He's a mouthpiece.

He knows it's a U.S. Uniform.

- Don't fall for that stuff.

- What are you talking about?

That's a Boy Scout outfit if ever I saw one.

I remember very well when you joined

the Scouts. I said to Mrs. Johnson...

- No.

- It isn't? Of course it isn't!

I remember now.

The Woodsmen of the World.

The Woodsmen of the World.

I remember when your axe came.

I said to Mrs. Johnson,

"I hope he's not going to chop..."

No? Very well, Norval.

What's the alleged charge?

It being understood that we admit nothing.

- Trudy! What happened?

- I don't know, Mr. Rafferty.

Quiet!

Oh, Papa!

Never mind the "Oh, Papa." What happened?

- Oh, Papa!

- What happened?

- Everything.

- You go upstairs to bed.

- This ain't for 14-year-olds. Go on now.

- Piffle!

Will you get off my lap and get out of here?

She knows all about it, Papa.

She does, does she? How about

letting your old man in on some of the dirt?

Or am I being too snoopy?

You think it's wise?

He'll blab it all over town.

- Listen, ladder legs...

- It'll be all over town anyway, now.

- Even the secret?

- The secret? This is some secret.

Will you kindly keep your nose out of this?

It's already been established

the matter's not military!

I told you what you could expect

from that pickle...

You mustn't talk that way about him.

He was only trying his best.

- Imagine if he hadn't been really trying.

- Who signed what?

Who's Katzenjammer

and where does he tend bar?

- It was Norval. You wouldn't understand.

- Understand it?

You got the certificate? You didn't muff that.

- I haven't got it.

- What certificate?

Her marriage certificate.

Why didn't you get it?

- He pulled a gun and...

- Who pulled a gun, that Norval?

Don't try to understand.

Then all those policemen came,

and that's all.

- Who's got the certificate?

- I don't know. The justice, I guess.

- What certificate?

- Her marriage certificate.

- To Ratzkiwatzki.

- To Ratzkiwatzki? I told Jones to marry you.

She's already married, perfectly respectably,

to a gentleman called Ratzkiwatzki.

Only she can't prove it.

She hasn't got the certificate.

- So tonight I married him again.

- Just to get the certificate. See?

- No.

- You have to have a certificate.

- So she married Norval.

- She married Norval?

To prove I was married to Ratzkiwatzki.

But then he signed the wrong name and

now they've got him and we're in the soup.

- I'll shoot him!

- He didn't sign the wrong name on purpose.

- I'll shoot him anyway.

- The one you wanna shoot is Ratzkiwatzki.

- Isn't he Ratzkiwatzki?

- No, I married him a long time ago.

- When?

- The night I was out with Norval.

Can't you understand anything?

They can't agree on anything, Edmund.

Each one wants to put him in his own jail.

If they do, we won't be able

to find him again, let alone get him out.

- Have you got anything against him?

- Nothing except a good kick in the pants.

I'll tell you what you do.

You take him down

and lock him up in your jail...

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