The Mirror Crack'd Page #6

a look at the guards, please?

They're supposed to be the queen's

soldiers, not her ballerinas.

Yes, sir. Leave it to me, sir.

Now turn your head right.

No, dear. Not your shoulders,

just your head.

Right. No, dear. Your right.

- Jason!

- Cut.

Save the red.

- Yes, my dear.

Lest we forget, you do have

an actress in this movie,

one who also happens

to be married to the producer.

No, I haven't forgotten.

I think it's important we discuss the

queen's relationship with her father.

When the picture begins,

the father's been dead over 30 years.

Why don't you go to your dressing room

and put on a nice new costume, OK?

I told Marty we should

have got George Cukor.

Swords and blood,

that's all he thinks about.

That and that over-stuffed psycho

of a wife.

Will you get your paws out of my hair?

Where did you get this wig, Woolworths?

Calls himself a director.

Did you see his last picture?

I could eat a can of Kodak

and puke a better movie.

Oh, why, you must be Inspector Craddock.

They told me you'd be here.

How sweet of you to come.

Miss Brewster,

I'm a great fan of yours.

Isn't that nice?

And I now you'll excuse me

while I change.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Please, you carry on.

Now, tell me, Inspector dear,

what's on your mind?

I have a few questions regarding

the murder of Heather Babcock.

- Who?

- The woman up at Gossington Hall.

Oh, yes. Who was she, an extra?

Ow! The zipper, you moron.

It's caught in my rump!

I'm sorry, Miss Brewster.

If I might digress for a moment.

I'd like... Oh, so sorry.

...to erm, ask about your relationship

with Marina Gregg.

Gregg? Gregg, that name rings a bell.

- Come now, Miss Brewster.

- I'm just teasing you, Sherlock.

Of course I know Marina Gregg.

Isn't she that aging,

broken-down ex-star

trying so desperately for a comeback?

Here, try combing this out;

they may find Amelia Earhart.

Now, tell me, Inspector dear,

why don't you ask me

some more of those searching questions?

I just love being examined,

especially by someone as cute as you.

Erm, what I'm particularly...

Are you really from Scotland Yard?

A real-life Inspector?

I can just hardly believe it.

A real-life Inspector

in my dressing room.

Oh, just think of me as a...

what you call a cop.

Only if you brought

your nightstick, honey.

- Miss Brewster.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I've upset you.

Forgive me,

I promise I'll be a good girl.

Now, about Marina.

Well, what can I say?

She was a great star. Was.

I mean, when I was just

a teensy-weensy little girl,

my grandmother used to take me

to see all of her movies.

And then about ten years ago,

around my 16th birthday,

she had this awful collapse, poor thing.

Drugs, alcohol, insanity.

It's not easy

when you've hit rock bottom.

Marty and I felt the least we could do

was to give her a part in my picture.

- Yes, that's very charitable.

- Ow, not so tight.

- Erm, Miss Brewster?

- Inspector?

Wasn't there some kind of trouble

between you and Miss Gregg

- a few years ago?

- Trouble? Why...

Whatever do you mean?

When Miss Gregg began seeing Mr Rudd,

weren't you and Mr Rudd...

Now, Inspector.

That's ancient history.

Besides, Jason and I

were ending it anyway.

I was only too happy to see

Marina find a little companionship,

lonely and pathetic creature

that she was.

Is that why you aimed and fired

a short-barrel 9mm Luger at her skull

missing it by two and a half inches?

- Did the b*tch tell you that?

- No, Miss Brewster.

The Beverly Hills Police Department.

Alright, so I got a little miffed.

I may be a great star,

but I'm still human.

Human enough to try it again?

Only this time with poison?

Are you insinuating?

Merely exploring the possibility.

Er, ready, Miss Brewster.

Well, it seems

that I must take my leave.

Thank you for our little... chat,

Miss Brewster.

And jolly good luck with your picture.

Miss Brewster, we're waiting.

Screw Scotland Yard!

Sorry, ma'am!

I was just taking a walk

down to the village.

It's that way, ma'am.

Ah.

Cherry dear, are the post office

playing with the telephone lines again?

Don't think so, ma'am.

Gossington Hall.

Hello? Hello?

What is that girl up to?

I saw you.

I saw you put the poison

in Marina's glass.

I saw you.

Look, that part's been cast.

Why didn't you call last week?

Leave your name and address with

my secretary and we'll call you when.

Actors.

You know about actors, don't you?

They all live up there somewhere.

I knew a broad once.

I was making a Civil War epic.

We were supposed to shoot

a big scene that day.

She comes to me and tells me

she can't work that week. Know why?

Because her astrologist...

tells her it's not in the stars.

So, I, er,

pay this little creep a visit.

I give him a grand, right?

He tells her the stars

have made a sudden shift

and if she doesn't report to work

every morning on time,

she's gonna lose her sex drive.

The next morning

she was there before the janitor.

Won't you sit down?

- Yes, fields of Glory, wasn't it?

- Yeah, did you see that?

Yes, I found it a bit melodramatic.

It's not a very positive...

The only thing positive thing

about it was the negative.

Inspector, what's on your mind?

Erm, how long have you known

Miss Gregg?

Marina? We've been friends

a long time.

Have the two of you been,

er, intimate?

Intimate?

Yeah, we've been intimate.

Everybody in Hollywood is intimate.

Swifty! How are you, Swifty?

What are you doing?

Oh, things are great.

The girl's got the best spot in the

picture. What do you want me to do?

I can't, Swifty. You gotta

give me a break. Come on!

Wonderful. I owe you one.

Thanks, pal.

Agents. He thinks

he's got a lot of class.

He once sold me an actress,

said she was great.

I called her in the morning,

she'd been dead for six months.

- Please go on. I'm sorry.

- Oh, thank you.

Erm, now then, about Miss Gregg.

Let me tell you something about Marina.

Secure, she ain't.

Under all that jewellery

is a sad, insecure lady'

ls there anyone you could think of

who might want to harm Miss Gregg?

Yeah, Hedda Hopper.

No, I mean anyone involved

in the picture. You, for instance.

Me? I'm the producer.

I'm coming up with $3.5 million

to make this movie.

You think I'm going to bump off

my leading lady

two days before I start

shooting the picture?

I've got contracts at Radio City

Music Hall for Christmas!

Unless, of course,

someone else bumps her off.

If someone else bumps her off,

I'll prop her up and dub her

to get her at the Radio City Music Hall

at Christmas.

Harry, I want those pictures

up here right now.

I don't care if she's having tea

with Mickey Mouse,

tell her to bring

the pictures up here now!

Excuse me.

Anything else I can help you with?

I've got a picture to make.

- Errn, yes. Oh, just one thing, Mr Penn.

- Sure.

- I've always been curious about...

- What?

What does the N stand for?

You want to know what it stands for?

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