The Muppets' Wizard of Oz Page #2

He's not a shrimp, he's a king prawn!

Dorothy!

Dorothy!

(screams)

Toto! Toto!

(screams)

Sorry, Toto!

When I make it big, I'm gonna buy a nice

brick house that's anchored to the ground.

Ouch!

Toto!

Toto! Come on, Toto!

Where are you?

Toto!

- (Spanish accent) Hola!

- (both scream)

Porqu? What is it?

Why do we scream, OK?

- You're all big. And you're talking.

- S.

But more importantly, I am naked, OK.

(laughs)

- Wait! No!

- Huh? What?

- Here.

- Oh, no, no, no. He's not my type, OK.

- The clothes.

- OK. Oh, the clothes.

You want me to put on the clothes,

you just have to say, "Put on the clothes. "

(thud)

- OK.

- (fabric ripping)

- Hm. Oh, it's a nice fit, OK?

- Yeah, it's kind of cute. I like how...

S, s.

- What am I doing?

- Hm?

- You can't be talking to me.

- Oh. Oh, but I am.

- I need some air.

- S, s.

I have this effect on all the womens, OK.

I'll come with you.

- Little help, please.

- Come on.

Gracias.

There.

(both gasp)

(Toto) Dios mo! It's incredible.

They get satellite here.

(gasps)

Can't believe...

- Do you see what I see?

- Yeah.

- All the houses are so tiny.

- It's a small world, after all.

- Oh, my gosh. What?

- I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

(Dorothy) Oh, man!

Toto...

- Where the?

- Wait!

For those of you who have

Dark Side of the Moon, press play...

(chattering)

...now.

Ay, Chihuahua!

No, wait. They're not Chihuahuas.

Ay, rats! Rats in hats!

Rats in hats, get it?

I am a poet and I didn't even realize

I had such capabilities.

OK. I work in a diner,

I know how to handle rats.

Rats? We ain't rats.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Coming through.

We're the Munchkins of Munchkinland.

The book, the book, the book!

Come on, come on, come on.

OK. And I quote:

"Rat:
A long-tailed rodent,

especially one of the genus Rattus.

"Munchkin:

A cuddly, cute and clean creature

"who resides in the land of Oz. "

- Munchkins?

- Yeah.

- Sorry, but I know a rat when I see one.

- Whatever you say there, short stacks.

All I know is, thanks to you, the Wicked

Witch of the East is dead and we are free!

- (cheering)

- (woman) Free?

You're not free! Get over here

and get this tin can off me! Now!

Oh, my gosh, she's alive!

Quick, we gotta help her!

- (muttering)

- (woman) Please, help me up!

- Well, Munchkins, we're too late.

- Guys!

But no tears, she's in a better place.

(all) Yeah!

(grunting)

I'm gonna put you in a better place -

in my oven! You hear me?

Um... (giggles)

Could someone spot me?

Wow! This is a lot heavier than I...

Ew!

OK.

Now she's dead!

(Toto) What is that?

Hey, look!

Even the twisters are Munchkin-sized.

Oh, that's no twister, that's her sister.

She's the sister of the witch

that you just crushed with a house.

Sister?

Bonjour, Munchie-kins! (giggles)

Cuddles! Cuddles!

(kissing noises)

Each and every one of you!

My speed dating ended early,

so I thought I'd drop in for a cuddle

and a visit with

my wicked East-Coast sister.

Uh... Yeah, well, a funny thing

about the East-Coast sister.

Not so much funny as... uh... uh...

disturbing. Disturbing. Yes.

You see, this giant girl right over here

kinda squashed her to death

with a double-wide.

- What?

- Yeah.

Uh...

Right here.

(gasps)

Excuse me, I just want you to know

that I've never met this giant girl

before in my entire life.

Sorry, Dorothy... um... Giant Girl.

It was an accident. I swear.

- Well, in that case, c'est la vie!

- La vie! La vie!

I drop things all the time myself.

Charmed to make your acquaintance.

I am Tattypoo,

the old and Good Witch of the North.

- But you're so young and beautiful.

- (giggles)

- Aren't you a cutie!

- (Munchkin) No, you are! You are!

So tell me,

what kind of magical abilities do you have?

Well, I don't have any magical abilities,

but I am a singer.

- I mean, I want to be a singer.

- (Toto) Mm, and she's very good, OK.

A singer? Really?

Oh, that's so funny! I'm a singer too.

Yes, my sisters and I were once

the hottest girl band in Oz.

Yeah!

But all that fame and fortune

left me feeling empty inside.

So I quit show biz

and committed my life to advancing rights

for the vertically challenged of Oz,

my little Munchie-wunchies.

- Aw!

- Cuddles!

(giggling)

Oh, yes!

(kissing noises)

Well, it's been nice meeting you and all,

but I should probably be on my way.

Anyone know how to get

to Kansas from here?

Never heard of it.

Is this Kansas a civilized country?

Well, if by civilized you mean flat,

boring and gray, yeah, it's civilized.

- Well, then, why do you want to go back?

- Yeah, why do we want to go back?

Well, because... Aunt Em and... Well...

I don't know what Kansas is,

but if you want to be a famous singer,

- you must see the wonderful Wizard of Oz.

- Yeah!

First...

(grunts)

(pop)

You have to wear my sister's shoes. Here.

You want me to wear shoes

off a nasty old witch? I don't think so.

Oh, but there's a powerful magic

connected to them.

And look how sparkly they are.

Mm-mm.

(laughs)

(continues laughing)

Listen, high pockets, here's how

things work in enchanted lands.

Shoes have magical powers.

If you have the shoes, you get the powers.

But if you're going to question every little

detail, the whole thing's gonna fall apart

- and we might as well call it a day, OK?

- (Munchkins) OK?

They're Manolos!

Manolos?

- Why didn't you say that?

- (chattering)

- Check the label.

- Yeah, they're good.

- I'll help you, OK.

- (all) Ooh!

Those are unbelievable, OK?

Wow! They fit perfectly! If the power

of these magic shoes is supposed

to make you feel confident and sexy,

then mission accomplished.

So, take me to meet your wizard.

To get to the wizard, just follow

this road of yellow brick to Emerald City.

It's in the exact center of our country.

Wait, I gotta walk

to the center of your country?

There's not, like,

a bus or something I can take?

- You wanna be a star or not?

- OK, OK, sorry.

Well, let's go.

- Oh, hold up there, Giant Girl.

- The name's Dorothy.

Well, Dorothy, we Munchkins

kinda owe ya for saving us and all.

You ever need a favor,

you just give us a holler, like so...

(blows pitch pipe)

Calling all Munchkins

Let's do lunchkins

- One for all

- And all for one

Calling all Munchkins

Munchkins, Munchkins, Munchkins

Take our call

You sing that

and we'll come a-scampering.

Uh, yeah, we'll be sure to do this, OK.

Let's go, Dorothy.

One more thing. (giggles) I don't know

why I didn't mention this before.

Whatever you do, avoid the west.

My other evil sister rules there,

and if she finds out

you have the silver shoes,

she'll hunt you down and pry them

off your cold, dead carcass.

- What?

- (giggles) Bye.

Why are you just now telling me this?

Come on, Dorothy. You're not getting

any younger, OK. Let's go get famous.

I don't know. That Witch of the West thing

sounds kind of dangerous.

Don't worry about it. You're going

to have to trust me, you know?

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