The Muppets' Wizard of Oz Page #4

The trees, the shrubs,

the owls, the bunnies.

Evil, savage bunnies.

(sinister laughter)

(Dorothy) You're king of the beasts.

If some critter gives you attitude,

all you gotta do is let out a big roar.

(both) Yeah.

But I don't want to scare anyone.

I just want to make people laugh.

Yeah. Kill 'em with comedy,

that's my motto.

I dream of one day being Oz's

greatest stand-up comedian.

Well, you ever play Emerald City?

I've never played, period.

I've got stage fright.

OK. Tell us a joke now.

There's no stage.

Yeah, go ahead.

- No, I can't...

- Come on.

OK. I can do this. Um...

(drumroll)

Wacka, wacka, wacka!

Hey, there.

Thanks for coming tonight.

So, what's the deal with the wizard?

For someone so wonderful,

he certainly doesn't know how to...

(stammers)

S- s-sorry. Performance anxiety.

(gasps for air)

Hey, you know, we're on our way

to Emerald City

- to ask the wizard for some help.

- Mm-hm?

- Maybe he can give you some courage.

- Courage?

Gosh, that sounds... scary.

Oh, don't worry. It'll be OK.

Yeah, I mean, so you're not so brave.

I'm not so smart.

And I'm so empty inside I could cry.

- S, and I'm so gosh-darn sexy, it hurts.

- See, we all have our issues.

- But we're working 'em out... together.

- Yeah.

Right. I mean, what are friends for?

Where my brain should be

There's a cavity

Where most folks have hearts

I've got old spare parts

Now I'm on my own

In the great unknown

And it's more than one person can bear

- Bear?

- Ah! Where?

Well, now I've got

some smart new partners

Who can help me think things through

Folks say I'm just a hick on a stick

- Well, that may be true

- S, it's true.

But when my stuffing's not enough

I know just what I should do-la-dee-doo

See, I don't miss the brains I'm missing

When I'm with you

I used to be romance compatible

I wrote sonnets and waltzes and more

But now that my heart is mechanical

It only beats four-on-the-floor

- (Tin Thing makes drumming noise)

- (Lion) Oh, nice!

But you've got friends

to stand beside you

And we'll reboot your old CPU

Wow! I don't miss the heart I'm missing

When I'm with you

I wish my stage fright weren't so terrible

My jokes never garner a roar

With us you can try new material

You see, that's what friends are for

Now you can sleep without a night-light

And forget every...

Creak, bang and boo!

Hey! I don't miss the spine I'm missing

- When I'm with you

- Still we've got something great together

So let's all get up and go

We'll overachieve

Wear our hearts on our sleeves

Get on with the show

Now we are in the right direction

And I see all our dreams coming true

Yes, anything is possible

When I'm with you

- I'm just so sexy!

- Wow, a shrimp that shimmies!

- Our act's unfloppable

- Troubles are hoppable

- It's all so logical

- We'll be unstoppable

- Cashmere is washable

- Anything is possible

When I'm with you

I'm with you

I'm with you

I'm with you

I'm with...

You

- Great!

- Let's go!

- (Dorothy) Come on, guys.

- (Toto) Let's get rich, come on!

(Tin Thing) Come on, Dorothy!

It's dark.

Anybody got a night-light?

(all gasp)

Just to let you know,

nothing scares me more than heights.

(laughter)

(Tin Thing) There's a pair of vicious

Kalidah Critics. Very rare in these parts.

Those monstrous beasts

just love to rip performers to shreds.

Really? How?

They do it with their... (gulps)

Words.

So, all we gotta do is ignore their words

and keep our balance

all the way to other side.

- That's right.

- What?

What are you?

- You're going to cross?

- Follow me.

- Dorothy, don't.

- You're going to cross?

- (critic) You're gonna fall off!

- You're gonna fall!

- You're gonna fall!

- It's a long way down!

Hey, that's Dorothy Gale,

the new overnight sensation.

She's really killing 'em in Munchkinland.

Just ask the Wicked Witch of the East.

I hear she's really

bringing down the houses.

(Tin Thing) Shut up!

Dorothy. Concentrate, Dorothy.

- She made it!

- Whoo!

All right, let's go.

- You go first.

- OK. You go next.

- (critic) I hear it's lonely at the top.

- (critic #2) Yeah.

Wait till he hits the bottom.

- I did it, OK. That was easy for me.

- (Tin Thing) That's it, that's it.

One thing's for sure

about playing the Kalidah Bridge.

You're sure to make a big splash!

It's not that far down, anyway.

We made it! We made it!

- OK, come on there, Lion.

- Come on, Lion.

- Nice log.

- (critic) Be careful, it's slippery up there!

Ooh, I feel a wind coming on!

- Oh, there's Lion.

- He thinks he's a comedian.

Yeah, but his jokes bomb so badly,

the army tried to put a fuse on him!

Whoa, whoa!

You know, there are two reasons

why I don't like Lion's jokes.

- What are they?

- My ears.

I can't do it. I can't do it!

I can't do it, guys. I can't move!

Ignore them. What they're saying

has nothing to do with you.

What? Unless there's another lion up here

on this log, I think they're talking to me.

I just think he needs a little help.

I'm going up.

- Be careful.

- Come on.

- (critic) Yeah, your jokes are no good!

- (critic #2) You're not funny!

Pay no attention to your critics.

It's gonna be one step at a time, OK?

Now take my hand.

Put your tail down.

Calm yourself.

Now take my hand, come on.

That's it.

Now we're just gonna walk off.

- Come on. We're just walking.

- Hang on!

- That's it. Steady.

- You can do it! You can do it!

You're all right.

Come on, you've got it.

You've got it. Yes!

Oh, thank you, Tin Thing.

- Come on, guys.

- Let's go.

Go on, get out of here!

Yeah, you'll still never make it

to where you're going.

Good work, Lion.

Wasn't he great, guys?

- He sure was.

- I don't know.

Hey, what's that, guys?

"Poppyfields. " What's that?

Poppyfields? Well, it's only

the coolest club in Oz, baby.

This day has been kind of crazy.

It wouldn't hurt to stop and have a little fun.

A little fun?

Get ready to have the time of your life, girl.

Come on, Dorothy. Let's get inside

before this place is no longer cool.

Yeah. After you.

( funky jazz)

All right now, y'all follow me.

I'll put you in the best seats in the house.

Sounds great!

Nap time

You know, I can't wait till I get a brain

so I can understand

what's fun about hanging out

at trendy nightclubs.

Yeah. What's the deal

with all these poppies anyway?

Whoa. Wait, here comes a fact.

According to my database, the poppy

has a powerful sleep-inducing effect.

Sleep-inducing effect? Oh, that's silly.

How could a little flower?

(snores)

- (Tin Thing) Lion?

- (Scarecrow) Lion, are you OK?

- Lion?

- Is he all right?

He's fine. You know what?

We don't need to go to Emerald City.

We should just stay here at Poppyfields,

where it's so... relaxing.

- Dorothy!

- Dorothy!

Dorothy.

Dorothy, wake up.

Dorothy! Lion!

Why won't they wake up?

- Why won't they wake up?

- I don't know!

You know, the bathrooms here

are so comfortable, OK.

It's the poppies. Come on, let's get Toto

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