The Muppets' Wizard of Oz Page #5

out of here and then we can figure out

- what to do about Dorothy and Lion.

- OK.

Come on. You grab that arm right there.

Nap time.

Ooh, I'm so sleepy, OK.

If something happens to Dorothy, I don't

think I'll ever be able to forgive myself.

I know, but we can't carry them

out of there. We have to think.

- Oh, rats! I'm no good at thinking.

- Whoo, rats! Rats in hats.

- What?

- They said they could... help us.

Wait! How? How?

- By singing the song.

- What?

You know, it goes...

- Wait! Sing the song!

- How does the song go?

Calling all Munchkins

- Let's do lunchkins

- Yeah?

All for one and one for all

Come on...

- Come on, finish it!

- Come on, come on!

... Munchkins take our...

What? What?

... call

Somebody page me?

Dorothy's in trouble.

Poppy exposure.

Poppies? Rats!

Munchkins, fall in!

We've got a girl to save.

(all) Sir, yes, sir!

Sergeant Bubba.

Company, heel!

Nice. All right, troops,

Operation Gingham's a go!

(chattering)

(muffled)

Nap time

(Munchkins chant) Hut, hut, hut,

hut, hut, hut, hut, hut,

hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut,

hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.

(all sing muffled military cadence)

Nap time

Oh, Dorothy, please don't be hurt.

Wake up!

OK, out of the way, peoples.

Out of the way.

It's time for Toto to give

the mouth-to-mouth.

I'll get the Dorothy, you get the lion, OK.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

I have a better idea.

Charging!

- And clear!

- (beeping and buzzing)

I'm up.

I'm totally up!

- All right, she's alive.

- What happened?

Well, it's lucky for you

the Munchkins showed up.

Thanks. I don't know what came over me.

I'd say about maybe

20,000 volts there, Medusa.

(yawns)

Oh, big cat waking up, boys. Time to go.

Good luck in Emerald City, Giant Girl.

(smacks lips)

What'd I miss?

(Lion screams)

(laughs)

Very funny, guys. Next time you could

at least tell me about my...

(gasps)

(Tin Thing) Emerald City!

Look at it!

- It's so beautiful!

- And yet so terrifying all at the same time.

Wow.

- Well, this is the place.

- Whoa!

We made it, Dorothy.

Your dream's about to come true.

OK, we agree now -

what happens in Emerald City

stays in Emerald City, OK.

(door opening)

- Can I help you?

- Hi.

I'm Dorothy Gale, and we traveled

all the way across Oz to see the wizard.

Hm...

Dorothy Gale. Hm...

Nope. Not on the list.

Are you sure? Check again.

And who are you?

- We're friends of Dorothy.

- Right.

Well, she's not on the list, so go away.

Uh...

Hold on a minute, big bird.

Come here. Listen, listen.

- (guard) Huh.

- (whispering)

Mm-hm. Oh!

Flattened by a double-wide?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

We don't want any trouble. Um...

Oh, there's just been a cancellation.

You may go in.

- Oh, great!

- (guard) Door!

Weirdoes... (muffled whispering)

Gale... (muffled whispering)

Double-wide... (clears throat)

They're all yours, sir.

- Hello!

- Wait. You're the Wizard of Oz?

Oh, no. I'm not the wizard, I'm Scooter.

First assistant to the big man.

Welcome, Dorothy.

Why, we've heard a lot about you.

- You're all anyone's talking about.

- Ah!

- Really?

- Great! That's terrific!

Yeah, but before the wizard

can turn you into an overnight sensation,

there are certain precautions

that have to be taken.

- Precautions?

- Yup. Follow me. Come on.

- Let's go.

- Follow him.

OK, here we are. Come on in.

Oh, welcome to Emerald City,

where the place is so bright,

you've got to wear shades or your eyeballs

will fry like a couple of eggs.

(meeping)

This spotlight here

duplicates the brilliance of the wizard

- and his radiant wonderfulness.

- Radiant wonderfulness.

As you can see, thanks to my patented

lenses, Beaker's retinas remain uncooked.

(meeping)

(meeps)

And they will still protect his eyes

even when the intensity is doubled.

(meeps and yelps)

Good grief!

(scientist) OK, give me the glasses.

(pop)

(all gasp)

So, do we get to see the wizard now?

Oh, well, if you want to be

the next big thing,

you've got to look the part.

Welcome to Emerald City's

Magical Makeover Machine.

Oh, wow.

- You want me to go in there?

- Absolutely.

- No way, you just fried that guy's head off.

- (whimpering)

Well, you can't go

see the wizard looking like that.

- I mean, what is that, a tablecloth?

- Check.

(laughing)

(all stop laughing)

Fine. I'll get in your makeover machine.

She's in.

(Dorothy) Hey! What is that?

Ow!

Hey!

- This is cool. I can work with this.

- Look! You've been reborn!

- Correction, you've been Osbourne!

- (Scooter laughs)

- Good one.

- So, what do you guys think?

- Uh, well... It's really nice.

- It's nice.

- Different.

- S, s.

But you know, this is the Kelly Osbourne

thing I think that you're doing,

but I think we all thought you were going

for more of the hot and sexy Ashanti thing.

- Ashanti.

- Ashanti, yeah.

Fine. I'll get back in your stupid machine.

(wolf whistle)

Oh!

- Now you're talking, baby!

- Beautiful!

- What do you think?

- Oh, my!

She's ready to see the wizard now.

Come on! Follow me! Come on!

- All right.

- OK. Walk this way. Come on.

- Fabulous.

- Wow.

(man) Who are those

who seek an audience

with the all-powerful Wizard of Oz?

First, bring in the lion.

- The lion?

- Wait. Stop. Hold on.

Wait, wait, wait! You heard him, Lion.

You gotta go in first now.

It's gonna be OK.

It's gonna be OK.

A wave of relaxation

is flowing throughout your body.

A feeling of peace and...

Don't wet the floor! Don't wet the floor!

- Scooter, is there a bathroom?

- (door locks and Lion wails)

Scooter?

(Lion gasps)

I am Oz, the great and terrible.

Who are you, and why do you seek me?

I... I...

I wanna be a stand-up comedian.

- Really?

- Yes, sir.

Well, then, tell me a joke.

No, I-I-I can't do that. I... I...

I have stage fright.

I kind of lack courage in general, actually.

- Tell me a joke now!

- (screams)

Why did the Wicked Witch throw a clock

out the window to see time fly?

No, wait. Stop. I mean, when the witch

had a clock and she threw it...

(screams) Wacka, wacka!

(laughing)

Next.

I am Oz, the great and terrible.

- What do you want?

- (whimpers)

Hi, there, Mr. Oz. Um...

Are you, by chance,

any relation to Frank Oz?

(screams)

I'll, uh, I'll take that as a no. Uh...

Well, I'm here because I wanna

ask you for a... I, uh...

- Hurry up, brainless.

- Oh! Oh!

Yes, yes. A brain.

That's right, a brain.

I'd really love to have a brain. Uh...

For my head.

You know, the old noggin.

You're fired.

(screams)

(laughing)

Next.

Well, hello.

What is it you're looking for,

tin, dark and handsome?

- Actually, I'm here looking for a heart.

- Oh, a heart.

(giggles)

Are you sure there isn't

anything else I can do you for?

No, no, no. You see,

I already have a girlfriend.

- She's a chicken.

- Oh, a chicken, eh?

Yeah.

- Well, does she have a big beak like this?

- How did you know?

And does she have

huge floppy wings like this?

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