The Muppets' Wizard of Oz Page #6

Look at the size of those wings.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not here for that.

Um... uh...

- I've just come here to get a heart...

- (clucking)

Whoo! Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Next!

(screams)

Bye-bye.

That's it!

What are you doing with my fri? Whoa.

What? No hello? Ooh!

Aren't you the little girl

who wanted to be a big star?

Yeah. I heard that

you were all-great and powerful,

and I came all this way

and I was kind of sort of hoping...

Blah-dee-blah.

Let's just cut to the chase.

I am prepared to give you

all your heart desires -

fame, hit records,

and a tabloid story linking you romantically

to the famous person of your choice.

Really? Oh, God.

So, what do I gotta do?

Oh, nothing, really.

Just bring me the Wicked Witch

of the West's magic eye!

Eye, eye...

I'm sorry, the what?

The Wicked Witch of the West's

magic eye!

Eye...

OK, the Wicked Witch of the West

has this magic eye

that gives her the power to see all in Oz.

If you cross the mountains of death,

remove her eye and bring it back to me,

your wildest dreams shall come true.

- What about my friends?

- Brains, hearts, courage - done!

If you bring me the eye.

Jeez, you need anything else

while we're there? A kidney or...

Silence!

That's the deal on the table.

Now be gone from my sight!

Ooh. Ooh.

Uh... (clears throat)

Um...

This is embarrassing.

Um...

Would you mind, um...

jumping?

Uh...

- In there?

- Yeah.

If you wouldn't mind.

I guess.

(screams)

Excuse me. Are you busy?

I thought she'd never leave, OK.

So for me, I would like a date

with JLo, of course.

Nothing too serious. Maybe a little

something between marriages.

(roars)

(screams)

(laughs)

(banging and screaming)

- Do you guys hear something?

- Santa Maria!

- Oh, dear.

- Oh, gracias, gracias.

Hey, good news, everyone. The wizard

is going to grant all our wishes, OK!

- Yes!

- Yes!

- Yes, that's great!

- I think I should tell 'em...

And all we have to do

is cross the mountains of death,

poke out the Wicked Witch's eye

and give it to the wizard!

It could happen.

Stupid wizard. Make us climb the

stupid mountains to find the stupid witch.

Yeah! And I was very clear

about being a cowardly lion.

Mm-hm.

I didn't know I'd have to do something

like this to become a famous singer.

I'm starting to think maybe being a star

isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Wait a second. Dorothy, you know

you'll always be a star with us, right?

Thanks. I never thought

I'd say it, Scarecrow,

but Kansas never looked so good.

- I miss home. I miss my family.

- (sobbing)

OK, OK. Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, OK.

I live in a stinking algae-covered

fishbowl in a trailer park, OK.

We're going to poke the witch in the eye.

End of story.

Wah, wah, wah. Poor me, poor me.

You guys are pathetic, OK.

Let's talk about something else, OK?

'Cause there's an amazing coincidence

happening here.

It's incredible, really.

When you think about it, it blows the mind.

Kansas - '80s band. Toto - '80s band.

We're on a " Journey" - '80s band.

(witch) What have we here? Intruders?

... '80s band. Oh, and when we see

the witch - "Wham!" '80s band, OK.

(witch) And what's this?

I can't believe my own evil eye!

How did she get the silver shoes?

I'm next in line to have 'em.

Sal...

Stupid dog. Sal, you gotta be kidding me.

You're not done yet?

I'm sorry.

Why can't we just use regular water?

(gibbers)

All you need to know

is that the witch's delicate diva pigskin

can only handle the nice bottled stuff.

And, confidentially, it ain't helping her.

- OK.

- (laughter)

- (barking)

- (sighs)

Oh, hiya, sweetheart.

I just finished your bottled-water bath.

Cancel it. Change of plans.

I've just discovered some new talent

and it's right in our own backyard.

Isn't that right, poo-poo kiss?

That's wonderful. Hey, maybe

you two could sing a duet. Hm?

- A do what?

- A do what?

What are you talking about, duets?

She flies solo, Sal. Right, sugar patch?

If I want those silver shoes, I'll have to

pry 'em off her cold, dead carcass.

(barks)

What's that? You want one of

her bones when I'm done with her?

Oh, yes, of course, dear. Yes!

Bring me the magic silver whistle.

The man-eating wolves are going

to have an early supper tonight.

(cackles)

Pardon me, please. Yeah. The, uh...

the man-eating wolves are on a, um...

ski vacation.

Oh.

Well, then bring me

the magic trumpet of death.

I will send in the crows of despair instead.

(cackles)

The crows of despair are at a wedding.

- Yeah.

- Huh?

- Angry bees?

- Stomach flu.

- Vicious squirrels?

- It's nut season.

- Blood-thirsty cockatoos?

- Religious holiday.

(sighs)

All right. Bring me

my enchanted biker cap... again!

Round up the flying monkeys.

There's only room for one diva in Oz,

and that's moi!

(hums dramatic music)

Hah.

(clears throat)

All right, guys, quit shoving.

Front and center.

The flying monkeys are ready to go, boss.

Fabulous. I want the girl caught and

captured. If she resists... destroy her.

- Really? Knock off a girl?

- (witch laughs)

I- I-I'm sorry.

What do you see on my head?

(all) Enchanted biker cap.

And what does it mean?

Your wish is our command.

Good. And gas up my ride, too. I wanna

make sure you knot-heads don't screw up.

All right, you mugs. Come on, let's go!

(yelps)

(monkeys hum

"The Ride of the Valkyries")

(sighs)

The witch!

Slow down, slow down,

slow down, slow down!

Back it up.

Well, well, well. Looks like someone

forgot to take out the trash.

Trash? Pretty big talk

coming from a hog on a hog.

(laughter)

Ha ha ha. Oh, so clever. Such wit.

I know your type, missy.

You sweet young things

come in with stars in your eyes,

ready to show the world what you've got.

Well, now it's time

to clear the stage for the real talent,

'cause the diva gig's a killer...

and so am I.

Hey, you can't talk to my friend like that.

Oh, yeah?

And who's gonna stop me?

Um...

- He will.

- Uh...

Boo!

- It never really worked on the crows either.

- Capture the girl and the fur ball.

I'm in the mood for lion nuggets.

As for the others - shred 'em to pieces.

- But why? They've done nothing to you.

- Why, you ask? Why?

I'll tell you why, in a song.

Hit it!

Um...

Hm.

- Nice digs.

- You're late!

You know, like, not everyone

has groovyy flying motorbikes, OK?

Not my problem.

Yeah, we've been driving

the same lousy bus since 1978.

- We'll talk about it later!

- I...

Later!

(grunting)

Ah!

(grunting)

- Get, get, get!

- Sorry!

(yelling and crashing)

- Ready!

- Hit it!

Maybe I need to spell it out, Dorothy Gale

This is my show, sorry, you fail

There's only room

for one rock goddess in Oz

You've lost your bloom,

poor thing, already a "was"

Pay attention, listen to moi

This TV special is mine, comme a?

So you can leave

the silver shoes at the door

- 'Cause the diva's got the floor

- Look out!

The witch is in the house

- The witch is in the house

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