The Muppets' Wizard of Oz Page #7

- The witch is in the house

She's hot, the witch is in the house

This is my scene, this is my set

I may be gorgeous

but I'm bad as they get

She's hot

You better run

'cause you ain't seen nothing yet

Watch out

The witch is in the house

Remember, missy, the eye sees all

Time to get down

on your knees and crawl

You better stop

You're gonna scream and shout

'Cause mama's gonna knock you out

The witch is in the house

- The crazy, kooky house

- The witch is in the house

The witch is in the house

I don't forgive, I never forget

Think you can drop

another house on my head?

You're gonna wish

that you were already dead

Watch out

The witch is in the house

On a good day

I'll have you begging for mercy

Mercy me

And let me tell ya, when she comes home

at night... Oh, excuse me.

On a bad day

I'll make you wish you were never born

As I insult your wardrobe,

causing you such pain and humiliation

That you scream

from the depth of your soul

- As your eyes roll back into your head

- Eyes!

And your toenails carve grooves

into my Italian marble floor

- Marble!

- (laughs)

- But I digress.

- Digress.

Two, three, four! Get 'em, boys!

Come to Papa.

(screaming)

I'll stop 'em.

(screaming)

(alarm)

(monkeys) Eye, eye, eye, eye, eye

The eye, oh, no

The eye, eye, eye, eye

The eye sees all

The eye, eye, eye, eye

Here comes the eye

The witch is in the house

The witch is in the house

- Eye, eye, eye, eye

- The witch is in the house

(witch) Now give it up,

I'm taking the shoes

Audition's over and this time you lose

Look for all the gory details

on the ten o'clock news

Watch out

The witch is in the house

Watch out!

The witch is in the house.

(revs engine)

(tires screech)

(Toto) Hey! I can't see!

I'm going to hyperventilate, OK.

I can't even see, OK.

I'm going to hyperventilate.

Whoo-hoo! Nice meeting ya, fellas!

Too bad you went to pieces on us!

Sal, let's go, let's go.

Come on. Time is money, huh?

We're on the air in three, two...

Bonjour! Witch of the West

coming at you from my lair of evil.

Good news, fans.

In order to keep up with the Joneses,

I've decided to lend my talent

to reality television.

Today, you'll see me do my hair,

take my daily bottled-water bath,

and as an added bonus...

I'll try on some awesome footwear

that will help me totally rule all of Oz.

- I'm never giving you my shoes, Witch!

- We'll see about that, won't we?

Why me?

I don't have the magic shoes! Why me?

(cries)

So, Dorothy,

any last words

before suffering the agony of "de-feat"?

Wait, wait! Hold that!

Wait, that's a great pun, honey.

(Toto screams)

Ow! Ow!

- Why are you poking me?

- We're tenderizing you so you taste better!

- Oh, well, then...

- (laughter)

- He screamed good that time.

- Are you sure you want to eat me?

After all, I am a stand-up comic.

- So?

- So?

You should never eat the comedian.

They taste funny.

Ha!

- Was that supposed to be a joke?

- Yes.

But seriously, it must be tough

being a flying monkey, right?

Hey, you know why your motorbikes

won't stand up on their own?

They're two-tired! Wacka, wacka!

(moans)

(laughter)

The motorbike has two tires!

Two tires! (laughs)

It's funny on many levels.

(gibbers)

Dorothy.

Before I die, just once, I want to hear

a woman say she loves me, OK?

Oh, Toto.

That's so sweet. Of course I love you.

Uh...

Look, Dorothy, I'm flattered, OK.

But I can't commit myself to just one

womens, OK. I hope we can still be friends.

- But you just told me to tell you...

- S, s, s.

I know you're feeling hurt.

I understand.

But time and a razor-sharp blade

cutting into your leg

will help you forget all about me, OK.

Oh, the womens. Oh, the razor blades.

(screams)

(laughter)

- Who here likes comedy magic tricks?

- Oh, I do!

OK!

I will need some keys.

Like those used to open cages.

Who's got the keys?

Sweetums has the keys.

Will these keys do

for your comedy magic act?

- Ah, they're perfect! Thank you!

- You're welcome.

OK, now everybody close your eyes

and put your hands on the floor.

Now, say the magic words,

"owah tafoo lyam," four times.

(all) Owah tafoo lyam.

Owah tafoo lyam.

Owah tafoo lyam.

Owah tafoo lyam.

- He's gone!

- He's gone!

- That's comedy and magic!

- Yeah!

OK, big dramatic ending, babe.

Here it comes.

Wait for it.

- Hey, what are you doing, Johnny?

- Hm? Oh, I just got this jacket cleaned.

OK.

- I'll save you!

- Lion!

- Whoa!

- Oh, gosh.

- Don't just stand there, get him!

- I am getting him.

In a nice wide shot

with you in the foreground.

Oh, good. Nice.

Hi, Mom!

Excuse me, could I trouble you

to kill someone for me?

- OK. (growls)

- Thank you.

(screams)

Whoa!

Calling all Munchkins,

let's do lunchkins, uh...

Come on, come on, come on, come on,

come on, come on, come on come on.

- What took you so long?

- (Lion) Oh, ow! Oh!

It's hot. Let's get this.

- That tickled. Take that.

- You're ticklish?

- The big lug's ticklish!

- (laughs and groans)

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

All right, Alpha Team,

Crustacean emancipation.

Delta Team, come with me.

Disengage Dorothy.

All right, team leaders,

isolate and secure these silver shoes.

(witch) No!

- You know, you're a pest.

- Munchkin, actually.

And you know what I do to pests?

Well, you welcome us as part of

an unconventional multispecies family?

I kill pests!

Until they're dead!

(choking)

Check it out.

Your little show's about to be canceled.

All right, Gale.

This ends now, once and for all.

- Bring it!

- Let's go!

- It's on!

- I'm ready!

- Come with it.

- I...

You...

I'm out. Let's just fight now. Hiiii...

Uh-oh. Somebody's gonna get

witch-slapped. We're outta here, boys.

...iii...

And then, just as Dorothy and the Wicked

Witch charge at each other... Bam!

Blowout fight scene.

The gals whip out

these huge samurai swords,

and they just tear it up.

- I'm talking kung fu!

- (whimpers)

I'm talking walking on walls!

I'm talking explosions everywhere!

- (explosions)

- (whimpers)

I'm talking Oz in flames!

Burn, baby, burn!

- You digging it?

- Uh... Yeah...

That sounds a bit violent for a family film.

OK. Cool, cool. OK.

We pull back on the fight scene.

- No explosions, no "burn, baby, burn. "

- Mm-hm.

- All right, you know, less kung fu.

- Yeah, yeah.

But instead, what we have - are you ready?

- You ready?

- Yeah.

- Morphing.

- Morphing?

Morphing. Crazy morphing!

We're talking Piggy

transforming into Gonzo.

Mutating into Scooter.

Scooter turning into

a big, busty vampire vixen

who explodes in a sea of crimson blood!

All done in the classic Japanese

anime style, you know, like, for the kids.

I... yeah. Sounds... expensive.

OK, OK. Uh...

Think, think, think, think, think,

think, think, think, think, think.

I can work with this, don't worry.

Think, think...

I got it.

Dorothy - big, bad Dorothy -

goes to kick the Wicked Witch...

- Are you ready?

- Yeah.

- You ready for this? Here it comes!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes