The Muppets' Wizard of Oz Page #8

- Yes, yes!

...in the face!

- Oh, now, that we can afford!

- Yes!

Hiiii...

...ya!

Hii-ya to you, too!

That all you got?

A bottled-water bath?

What's next, a deadly pedicure?

(laughing)

Why am I itching?

What kind of water is this?

Oh. Oh, I...

We most definitely filled it up

with bottled water. Ain't that right, Sal?

Oh, yeah. Right, Johnny.

100 percent. Ain't that right, Angel Marie?

Oh, uh... well, when we ran out of

that stuff, I topped her off with a hose.

What? I told you to use only bottled water!

- Oh, no!

- Oopsy.

- What a horrible way to...

- My bad.

I'm not melting. I'm getting skinny!

Oh! I'm getting skinny!

(singsong) Ha ha ha ha ha!

I win! I win!

What?

Oh, nuts.

No!

(screams)

(snorts)

(bell)

Uh...

- Should I cut?

- What? What?

Yeah, cut. Whoa! Hey!

Fabulous performance, darling.

Fabulous! That's incredible!

What a performance.

Unbelievable, ba... by.

Oh!

No, sugar patch, how could it be?

You were deathly allergic to tap water!

Oh.

- I don't think she can hear you, Johnny...

- I know she can't hear me!

- (sobbing)

- (dog barking)

No, no, baby. Don't look.

D- d-d-don't look. Don't look.

- Mama melted.

- What?

(whimpering)

Ugh.

We must be strong.

Go to your happy place,

you rotten little dog.

- What does she got there?

- Got it!

Her magic eye!

(sobs)

- What happened?

- (Toto) Oh.

The witch is no longer in the house, OK?

She is down the drain. We melted her.

(cheering)

Wait, why are you guys hugging me?

You're her vile henchmen.

Vile? No.

We were just a gentle band

of motorcycle enthusiasts

until the witch put us under an evil spell

and enslaved us with her...

her enchanted biker cap.

(all gasp) Enchanted biker cap!

Since you wasted her,

this hat rightfully belongs to you.

Give her the hat. And now,

we must obey any order you give us!

Yeah, like, you can have everyone

spank me and call me names!

Or not.

First, we need to pick up

some friends of mine.

(all) Yeah!

OK, here's how we get out of this place.

Quick, get me a soldering iron,

a jar of flux and some corn chips.

Oh, no! Flying monkeys!

Roll away, roll away!

- (screams)

- (motorcycle engine)

Oh, Dorothy! Dorothy!

Thank goodness!

Dorothy!

You guys didn't think

I'd forget you, did you?

- No, but what happened?

- Yeah!

- It would take too long to explain.

- No, no, no. I explain, I explain.

What happened was,

the witch, she decided...

Flying monkeys, put 'em back together.

(Scarecrow) Oh, great.

(metal clanking and motors whirring)

- (buzzing)

- (Scarecrow) Ouch.

Hey, easy. OK...

- Thank you.

- (Scarecrow) You're all backwards.

Gee, I can see my rear end!

- I must be working out, huh?

- (laughter)

Flying monkeys, take us to Emerald City.

We have an appointment with the wizard.

(cheering)

Come on, everybody! Come on!

What are you doing here so... alive?

With flying monkeys?

- We're here to see the wizard.

- But you don't have an appointment.

- This is our appointment.

- (all) Yeah!

- No!

- Come on, guys.

No, you can't! No! The wizard won't...

No, you can't do that.

- (Scarecrow) You can't stop us now.

- Ow!

- That's right, that's right!

- (Tin Thing) Open the door!

Come on. Come on, guys.

Follow me.

(Dorothy) We got the eye.

We want what you prom... ised.

(murmuring)

- (Lion) This is what I was afraid of?

- (Scarecrow) It's not even green.

- What's going on?

- Wait, stop.

Stop! You must wear the glasses

or you will fry from the wizard's brilliance!

- Really? 'Cause... you're not frying.

- Yeah.

(meep)

Oh. Well, uh... um...

It burns! Oh!

My face sizzles and cooks

before your very eyes!

Oh, the horror! The horror!

(meeping)

- Huh?

- (meep)

Oh. (clears throat)

Um... Well... (clears throat)

I guess they're not buying it, Beakie.

So, we must away. (clears throat)

Toodle-oo.

(Wizard) I am Oz, the great and terrible!

Jeepers, fellas, the joint is haunted!

Yeah! Make like we're running away!

- It's OK! It's all right!

- Get back here.

(Wizard) Why do you seek me?

- Because we want what you promised!

- Yeah!

(Wizard) Oh, dear me.

This is sudden. Uh...

Come back tomorrow during normal

business hours - 8:30am and 5:30pm.

- No way! You've had enough time already!

- Yeah.

S. You better keep your promise or...

I'll go cyclone in here!

Hey!

(gibberish)

(gibberish)

(gasps for air)

(yelps)

(on PA) We're done here!

Uh... Yeah...

We can see you.

No, you can't! I'm invisible!

Stop. Seriously,

you're embarrassing yourself.

Oh!

Oh, boy.

Hello.

So you're the wonderful Wizard of Oz?

I'm a little afraid of heights. Uh...

- Hi, how are ya? Good to see ya.

- Hi.

Well, so, uh...

- I'm Francis Kornfine at y-your service.

- Let me see this!

I'm sorry.

It says I'm from Hollywood, California.

And it says that I drive a tour bus.

I gotta tell you,

this is more than a little disappointing.

So that's why you wanted the eye.

You were afraid the Wicked Witch

would see you for what you really are -

a big phony!

No, um... Yes.

Something... Well, something like that.

- You're a bad man.

- No, I have to disagree.

I'm not a bad man. I'm... You know...

But I'm a bad wizard.

I gotta tell ya,

I- I never set out to trick anyone.

It's just, I got here, and everybody, they

just, they assumed that I had this thing.

That I was this all-powerful wizard.

- Why would they think that about you?

- You know why?

- Because I-I-I could do this.

- (gasping)

- Oh, my goodness!

- Wow!

- Oh, do that again! Do that again!

- It's amazing!

They're simple people

but, oh, they're loving.

Did you ever tell anyone

you weren't a wizard?

No! You know,

one of the secrets of show business -

you gotta give them

what they want, you know.

Then give us what we want!

Yeah, and explain how

you turned into such a sexy chicken.

All right, all right. I'll do it.

I'm not really a wizard, but I-I'll do it.

I'll give you - every one of you -

what I, uh, promised.

Give me two hours. Two hours.

(crowd noises)

- (man) She's coming out!

- (man #2) Dorothy! Dorothy!

- Dorothy! Over here!

- Ooh, ooh, Dorothy! Dorothy!

- Would you sign my boomerang fish?

- Sure.

He's your biggest fan!

(chuckles)

- Wow! Thank you!

- You're welcome.

I wish they could see this back in Kansas!

And here she comes -

Emerald City's Dorothy Gale.

So, Dorothy, how does it feel

to be the biggest star in Oz?

I don't know!

I'm surprised everyone likes me so much.

They haven't even heard me sing!

You heard it, folks.

Dorothy Gale, the biggest star in Oz.

Even though no one's

ever heard her sing!

(glass shatters)

Dorothy! This way!

No, no, no. No, no, no.

No, listen, Eisner, baby.

If you think we're going for that deal,

you're out of your Mickey mind, OK?

I can't talk right now.

I gotta run. I gotta run. I gotta run!

( theme music over TV)

(static)

Ladies and gentleman -

and unisex penguins -

live from Emerald City,

it's the wonderful Wizard of Oz!

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