The Muppets' Wizard of Oz Page #9

(cheering and applause)

(Wizard) Ah, thank you.

Oh, this is so exciting!

Oh, thanks. Thank you.

Please. Come on!

Thank you. Thank you. Listen...

I- I-I called you all together tonight, so...

so the good folks of Emerald City

and Oz at large can...

finally know the truth. I...

(sighs)

- I am not who I appear to be.

- (gasping)

You see, I'm just...

an ordinary guy... from Hollywood.

That's a beautiful place where people keep

their word and a deal is always honored.

(all) Nah-uh.

You see, I made a promise

to some brave folks,

and I want to keep that promise

in front of everyone!

So...

- your wizard is gonna grant some wishes!

- (applause and cheering)

- Come on. Come on!

- Oh, I love wizards!

First of all, let's bring out... the lion.

(cheering)

(mumbling)

Welcome, Mr. Lion.

- I-I believe you asked for some courage.

- Yes. Yes, I did.

And-And courage you shall have.

This golden microphone of bravery

will certainly end any debate

as to who's really the king of beasts.

There you go.

Let me turn this on for you.

- Whoa!

- Uh-huh.

Wow! I guess I do feel a little braver.

So, two ducks waddle into a bar.

Bartender says...

- Get off.

- That's not what he says.

- No, no, no. Get off.

- Oh, that's me. Yeah.

( theme music)

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

Tin Thing.

- ( theme music)

- (applause)

Now, Tin Thing, you asked for a heart,

and thanks to my clever scientists

at the Emerald City labs,

- your chest...

- (gasps)

...will never be empty again.

- This won't hurt.

- (beeps)

- ( theme music)

- (applause)

Gosh!

This is... this is so nice!

What if there were someone

to share that heart... with?

- (applause)

- Camilla!

Oh, my darling!

I've missed you so much!

(all) Aw!

(all) Aw!

- Oh, dar... Look who's filled out!

- (clucking)

I don't mean chubby. I mean in a nice...

Would you excuse us?

- Yes, take it offstage.

- Come on.

(applause)

Let's not forget... the scarecrow.

- ( theme music)

- Oh!

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Scarecrow!

Well, Mr. Scarecrow,

you've asked for nothing more than a brain.

Mm-hm.

Now, from this day forth,

your knowledge shall know no bounds.

Oh.

But, um... to grant your wish,

I have to take your head off.

- (gasps)

- Uh...

Could I... could I think about it?

- No. You have no brains.

- Oh. Good point.

- Bring in the brains.

- (applause)

(speaks mock Swedish)

- Thank you.

- (hums)

All right, quiet please.

I need absolute... concentration.

- Sh, sh!

- Quiet! Sh!

- Drum roll, please.

- (drum roll)

Uh... Huh...

(all scream)

What are you?

What are you? Oh!

(giggling)

This is surreal!

Or should I say, cereal?

(cheering)

(applause)

And now you will be a great man.

For I have given you

a lot of bran new brains!

(laughter)

- That's funny?

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Oh, right down there, to the left.

- Left. Thanks!

And finally, it's time for Oz's

newest overnight sensation to sing.

My spotlight now belongs

to Miss Dorothy Gale.

(cheering)

It's a good life

A happy ending where you landed

It's a good life

Don't you love how it's turning out?

- It's a good life

- Oh!

See what happens

when you take your chances

It's a good life

Stop! Stop the music.

- (cheering)

- (music stops)

I'm sorry, but this whole thing is a lie.

It's no different than those

fake green glasses in Emerald City!

- Or that applause machine.

- Oh! Oh, oh...

You see, this wizard hasn't given

you anything you didn't already have!

I've never had such

a shiny microphone before.

The point is, wizard or no wizard,

you were already brave, kind and smart.

Well, gee, I didn't think I was thinking,

but, come to think of it,

I think I was thinking. Ha.

- Makes you think.

- (Wizard) OK, I'm... I'm really upset.

Dorothy, you say I-I didn't grant your wish.

But you're on television.

Millions hang on your every word.

Yes, I control the programming and nothing

else is on, but... you are famous, Dorothy.

You're a star. And that, I gotta say it,

that's, uh... that's because of me.

You really want to grant my wish, Wizard?

Send me home, to Kansas, to my family.

Dorothy, you consider it done.

Really? Oh, thank you,

thank you, thank you.

I knew you couldn't be completely useless.

When do we leave?

Well, um, actually,

you have to visit the fourth witch, Glinda,

the Good Witch of the, um... of the South.

You gotta be kidding me! Another witch?

Great. How do I find this one?

S, s. What freaky land

we got to visit now, guy?

Tomorrowland, Adventureland, Canada.

The wizard possesses a magic eye

to, uh... give us all the, uh, answer.

Dude, I know all about the magic eye.

I gave it to you, remember?

Oh, yes. Ah! Well, there she is.

She's in Munchkinland.

Can you see that?

She's... she's, uh...

She's visiting her sister, Tattypoo.

The Good Witch of the, um... North.

All right, guys.

Back to Munchkinland.

- Oh, well.

- OK.

You're not so scary. Hmph!

- ( theme music)

- (applause)

Yeah, this is it. I definitely... This is

Munchkinland. I've seen it in the postcards.

Welcome back, Dorothy. I'm glad to see

your quest for fame was such a triumph.

You're now the most

talked-about diva in all the land.

I saw you on TV.

TV! I saw her on TV!

- Yes, I know.

- Yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, but where can I find

your sister Glinda?

- (muppet) Here's your cattuccino, Glinda.

- Right here, dear.

- Where you goin'?

- Shoo, shoo, shoo.

- Enchant.

- Oh! Mm.

And who is this sophisticated

and distinguished gentleman?

- Well, my name is Toto. It's a pleasure...

- Not you.

How is it we've never met?

Well, I've spent a lot of time

hanging around on the farm... literally.

Ah, good one!

- Thanks.

- Ooh, how intriguing.

- I love agriculture.

- Oh?

Plowing the fields, rolling in the hay...

Um, guys? Hate to interrupt, but

the wizard said you can help me get home.

It's true. Just say goodbye to your friends

and... I will show you the way.

Well, guys.

- Guess this is goodbye.

- (all) Aw!

- We're really gonna miss you, darling.

- (squeak)

- (muppet) Yeah.

- What?

You were the best boss we ever had.

I think it's time for you to be your own boss.

Oh, I don't believe you're gonna do it!

(all cheer)

I'm sorry, I'm not following.

The monkey gets the hat?

- The monkey gets the hat?

- The monkey gets the hat.

Huh.

Looks like this is finally it.

We must be brave, Dorothy.

Oh, oh!

(sobs)

- Goodbyes always break my heart. (sobs)

- Aw.

I love you guys.

- I'll never forget you.

- Oh.

I'll never forget you, either.

Toto, you sure...

No! Don't speak, my little Dorothita.

Just go!

Don't look back, OK?

Because if you do, I fear my tears would...

So, how do these things work, anyway?

Is there a bus or something?

No, it's your shoes. They have

the power to take you anywhere.

Really? Anywhere? Well,

I wish someone would have told me this

before these magic shoes

gave me these magic blisters.

What? Look, this is how things work

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