The Night They Raided Minsky's Page #3

chocolate bonbons

with the nuts inside,

the price of which,

were you to purchase it

outside the confines of this theater

would be 99 cents.

But we are offering it to you

for only 25 cents,

one quarter of a dollar.

But is that all?

No, sir, no, ma'am, it is not.

Because this is a three-part offer.

That's right, your ears did not

deceive you. I said, a three-part offer.

Now, I hear the man over here

say, "Impossible!"

No, sir, it is not impossible.

Although, I can understand

your world-weary cynicism.

Now, part one is

the exotic assortment of genuine imported

chocolate bonbons

with the nuts inside.

Also included in each and every package

are three 12-jewel Elgine men's

wristwatches with silver band attached,

valued at 16 dollars,

and three gold-filled ladies' wristwatches,

shaped in the form of a heart...

Minsky's gone too far this time, Fowler.

We've seen this girl rehearse.

She is a tinder-box, a red-hot tomato!

He's introducing her

in the midnight show.

Midnight?

Now, Mr. Minsky,

and the makers of the genuine imported

chocolate bonbons

with the nuts inside,

have included in each and every package

the book that made Paris blush,

Mademoiselle Fifi.

Yes, you've heard about this book,

and here it is.

Now, I will not dwell at length

on the contents of this book.

Suffice to say,

this book contains

12 detailed illustrations.

- Who is this girl?

- She's...

- Mademoiselle Fifi.

- Fifi?

- She's French?

- From gay Paris!

She drove a million Frenchmen wild!

And if you are of a curious nature,

and I assume you are, or else

you would not be here this afternoon,

may I suggest that you tear out

these illustrations

and hold them up before

an electric light bulb?

- Hold it up to the light.

- Yeah, come on.

- Look. That's it.

- Oh, my!

Move them slowly to and fro

and you will see what little Willie saw

at the picnic.

Need I say any more?

Take it away! No, give it back.

I mean, I may need it as evidence.

- If this woman puts one foot...

- You're not holding it up to the light.

Oh, no.

But please, I implore you,

and I must repeat that word,

I implore you,

do not remove the wrapper from this book

until you are at least 10 blocks

from the theater.

This is for your own safety. Now...

- How did she get here?

- Trim Houlihan. Trim smuggles aliens.

- No!

- Yes, you know that.

Yeah, everyone knows that.

And Fifi's Trim's girl.

All right, our sales representatives

are now passing among you.

Who will be the first person

who will win

the men's wristwatch,

the ladies' wristwatch,

the all-purpose pocket knife,

and the book they want to burn,

Mademoiselle Fifi?

All right, I see I have

a gentleman over here.

You, sir, would you stand up and tell us

what valuable prize you have won?

A genuine 12-jewel

Elgine men's wristwatch.

There it is. With silver band attached.

Mademoiselle Fifi.

If Mademoiselle Fifi puts one foot

on the stage tonight, we raid tonight!

Tonight!

Faster, please.

This is the best we got.

If you don't like it, go someplace else.

Selwyn, let me have

a double on an onion roll,

half brisket, half pastrami.

Pickles, sour tomatoes. No sauerkraut.

My stomach's acting up today.

Boy, am I nervous!

Selwyn, make the meat fatty,

the lean's too dry,

and coleslaw, if it's made today.

I got a call from the police.

Fowler's gonna have three squads

to the midnight show.

A little French fries with that, too.

Not too greasy.

Word's out all over town, all over town.

The press is starting to call.

This Fifi business better work,

that's all I gotta say, it better work.

Now, don't worry about it, Billy.

Chick's getting her set now.

Have you ever seen burlesque

before today?

- No.

- Well, it's...

Burlesque is... How can I explain it?

The reason it's called burlesque is...

Look, there's a bucket.

For putting water in? Not in burlesque.

Stairs, for climbing? No.

Oh!

Well, that's burlesque.

You know Paul Straw, don't you?

Got one line, right?

- Yeah.

- "No, no, I'm too young to die!"

- You know the sketch, right?

- Yes.

He's walking around all night long,

"No, no, I'm too young to die!"

"No, no, I'm too young to die!" Right?

Up and back! "No, no, I'm too young..."

During the sketch

he says, "No, no, I'm too old to live!"

How about some poker between shows?

That's a good idea.

Now? That's ridiculous.

This is the cinq--sept.

- The what?

- Cinq--sept. It's French.

It means 5:
00 p.m. to 7:00 p. m.

The time every respectable Frenchman

calls on his mistress.

- Since when do you have a mistress?

- I don't.

- Who ordered the herring?

- Me.

We're out.

For you, I'll stretch a sardine.

Hello, my name is Raymond Paine.

I've been sitting there with my friends

thinking about you,

and how very appealing you are.

Now, I know this is unconventional,

and perhaps you will chastise me for it,

but if I didn't stop to tell you

how exciting I found you,

you'd never know.

Isn't that true?

Isn't it? Yes, of course.

Now, we have two alternatives.

We can either obey convention,

in which case I would leave this minute

and you would never know

what qualities of beauty

and womanliness attracted me to you.

Or we can spend a little time together.

I have until 8:
00.

And you will discover what it is about you

that inspired me to this.

What do you say?

Sir, you must be

this young lady's boyfriend.

Husband, then. I see.

Well, it's quite obvious I've been

making a pass at your wife,

and under the circumstances,

I'd be a fool to deny it, wouldn't I?

Of course I would.

On the other hand, I'm a fairly

acceptable male, as males go,

and the attention

that I've been paying your wife

is not altogether unflattering, is it?

Of course it isn't.

How proud and pleased you must be

to possess a woman

that a man of my caliber

could find so attractive.

I congratulate you, sir.

And I envy you both this experience.

- Lose something?

- Can I help you, my man?

By your leave,

I am looking for a young girl.

They all are, Mac. Take a walk.

Hey!

The comics dress in there.

The comics dress over there!

Will you stop feeding your face

for one second, Raymond?

This is serious.

She's from a farm, an Amish farm.

Those people live today just the same

as they did 100 years ago.

She told me that herself.

Fellas, listen, she trusts us.

This thing tonight will break her heart.

You tell them, Mae.

- You can see she ain't like us.

- Why?

When you cut us, do we not bleed?

When you shoot us...

Lay off it, Chick. She'll get over it.

What is it?

Nothing more than a practical joke.

Selwyn, bring me an order of bagel

and a cup of black!

Hey, the word's going around that I got me

a new little French babe.

This Mademoiselle Fifi.

You know anything about that?

Oh, now don't tell me

you don't know anything about that!

It was just a joke, Trim.

- I mean, there's nothing to it.

- Oh, sure.

Well, I just thought, as long as

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