The Night They Raided Minsky's Page #6

We don't have...

Yes? What is it, Greta?

A Mr. Schpitendavel to see you.

From Pennsylvania.

Louis Minsky, thou art father

to the Minsky what has the theater?

- Yes.

- If I were thee,

I would thrash thy son to within

an inch of his life.

You are not me, and you may still do it,

with my permission.

I want my daughter, Louis Minsky.

You see your daughter here?

Under the table, maybe?

At the theater, she works in burlesque.

Burlesque!

- It is profane, a sin.

- Yes.

- You agree?

- Yes.

But it is your son

what has this burlesque.

Yes.

So calm thou art.

What kind of a father art thou,

Louis Minsky?

I will tell you this,

Mr. Schpitendavel from Pennsylvania.

I am not a father who would let his

daughter work for Minsky's Burlesque.

- You may use the same door out.

- No, no.

I need your help, Louis Minsky.

My daughter will not be welcome

in my home if she stays the night

to dance upon your son's stage.

There is a train in 51 minutes.

You must tell your son

to see she is on it.

You see this chair? Tell it to dance.

See if it listens.

That's how much my Billy listens to me.

You a religious man?

So let's do the best we know

and pray for your daughter and my son.

I do not know, Louis Minsky,

if we pray to the same God.

We must.

Only a God who could tolerate me

could possibly tolerate you.

- Yeah?

- Open up, I gotta see Trim Houlihan.

Nobody by that name here.

This is a boarding school.

Come on! Come on! Open up!

I know Houlihan runs a speak back there.

Come on! Come on! Open up!

I know he's in there. Come on!

Paine's golden rule?

If you can't do unto others

between the shows,

do unto them during the show,

right, pal?

Wrong, pal,

I came to take her to her father.

You're a liar.

You know what you're gonna do?

You're gonna beat the hell out of me.

But on the way, I'm gonna knock some of

your teeth so far down your throat...

Damn you, you know that I do

No headaches, no heartaches

since you went away

Nobody was better at turning me gray

You left me singing the blues

But now I'm dancing

the Charleston nightly

So thanks a lot

I hope you got measles, you rat, you

Don't come crawling back

'Cause now it's a whole new ball game

And if you're hoping I'll let you return

If you imagine for you I still yearn

If you think I miss your stupid old kiss

Damn you, you know that I

Damn you, you know that I

Damn you, you know that I

Hey, now, Chick, you got it all wrong.

Come on, Chick!

- When did I ever lie to you, buddy?

- Gentlemen.

Hey, where's Rachel?

She's gotta make a train.

Oh, no. Little Frenchy stays with me.

I'm taking her down to the theater

to make her debut,

and then it's back to my place.

You got it?

No, you got it!

- You really do care for her, don't you?

- Of course I do, you jerk!

Hey, let's get that big guy.

Here we go, pal. You first.

Mr. Minsky?

- Put on your hat.

- Are you Mr. Minsky?

We are praying.

I have to speak to Mr. Minsky.

Cover your head.

- Well, the girl took my hat.

- Quiet!

Yes, sir.

All right. What is so important

you must interrupt prayers?

I am Vance Fowler, Secretary for

the Society for the Suppression of Vice.

Here is your official notification of our

intention to raid Minsky's Burlesque.

- Raid? You said raid?

- Yes. In approximately 22 minutes.

We are required to notify the owner

of the theater as well as the manager.

You are entitled to be warned that if

certain violations are allowed to occur,

in this case, if a certain new dancer

steps onto that stage...

- New dancer?

- Mademoiselle Fifi.

- Mademoiselle Fifi?

- You are repeating me, sir.

If Mademoiselle Fifi dares to do the dance

that drove a thousand Frenchmen wild...

The dance that drove

a thousand Frenchmen wild?

You're doing it again, sir.

Louis Minsky, if you

do not now go at once

to prevent thy son from bringing

my daughter to such ignominy,

I shall, as Agnon did,

raise the finger of righteousness

to call down the wrath of the heavens.

My father, an Episcopal vestryman,

used this as the finger of righteousness.

Bah! And again bah!

There is no finger of righteousness.

This is the finger of cleanliness.

This is the finger of marital bliss.

This is the finger of vengeance.

This is the finger of meddling in other

people's lives.

And this is the finger of transportation.

It will get us a taxi to the theater.

You speak with

the fist of authority, gentlemen,

but you don't know your fingers.

- Billy, this is degrading.

- What a night.

That uptown crowd in there and my comic

and straight man are missing. Wonderful.

Billy, I can fill in for them.

That audience in there remembers me.

Spats, do me a favor.

Tonight, just tonight,

will you leave me alone?

There they are!

You got any idea what's been...

What happened?

- We got a midnight show to do.

- What the hell do you think we're here for?

- Where's Rachel?

- Forget Rachel.

I got another Mademoiselle Fifi.

- Who?

- Mae Harris is doing it.

Morty! Morty, get me Mae Harris.

Let me see how she looks.

Trim's got Rachel.

Will you get dressed for "Crazy House"?

One sketch maybe you can do tonight.

And now the Minsky Company is

proud to take you on a trip

around the world.

Feebus, Garrity...

- Hold it!

- Don't tell me to hold it.

Now listen. When I blow this whistle

two times, tweet, tweet, like that,

you will proceed with the raid

and you arrest Mademoiselle Fifi

and Minsky. Is that clear?

- Oh, yes, sir!

- Oh, yes, sir!

- Beggars can't be choosers!

- I feel like a bad painting.

- What do you want me to do in this outfit?

- Dance.

Dance like you drove

a million Frenchmen wild.

Is that all?

Mr. Minsky, am I late?

Oh!

Mr. Houlihan said his sister wouldn't mind

me wearing it, and the dress, too.

Sister?

Well, it was just a lot of stuff

she had laying around.

- You'd better jump into your costume.

- That won't be necessary.

Mae Harris, you're on after "Crazy

House. " Let's go, Mademoiselle Fifi!

Here we are.

Mademoiselle Fifi?

- What kind of a joint is this?

- Why, this is an asylum.

- Oh, no!

- Don't be silly, sir.

Crazy people can't hurt you.

No, but they can make you hurt yourself.

But why, Mr. Minsky?

I was to be Mademoiselle Fifi.

Yeah, I know, I know.

But, look, Mae's in your costume already.

Look, I need this like a wart, anyway.

Billy's right, Mae.

You're wearing the costume. You go on.

What're you doing? You're in that sketch.

Will you get dressed?

- Wait a minute...

- There's a show going on.

Rachel!

- Raymond, what happened?

- Never mind.

Look, it's all been a big mistake.

The most important thing is

you can still make that train.

But my dance! My new life.

- Yeah, well. That's the way it goes...

- No, wait.

So sudden, everything is all strange.

Why, Raymond?

- Hey, you!

- Yeah?

- What did you say?

- I said...

Nurse! Nurse!

All right. All right.

It's all in your imagination.

All right. All right.

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