The Railway Man

(FOREBODING MUSIC)

ERIC:
At the beginning of time

the clock struck one.

A drop of dew

and the clock struck two.

From the dew grew a tree

and the clock struck three.

Then the tree made a door

and the clock struck four.

Then man came alive

and the clock struck five.

Count not

waste not

the hours on the clock.

Behold I stand

at the door and knock.

(MUSIC BUILDS UP)

(CLICKS OF TRAIN WHEELS ON TRACKS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Is that a new Bradshaw's, Eric?

Or one of your world famous collection

of out of date railway timetables?

(THE MEN CHUCKLE)

I have a small problem...

which I suspect this gathering

might find interesting.

Last Thursday

I was returning from a book

auction in Chester

and, learning of a delay

on the Manchester-Edinburgh line,

found it necessary to make a rapid

adjustment to my itinerary,

leaving me just three minutes

to change platforms at Crewe.

(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

CONDUCTOR:
Tickets from Crewe.

Tickets from Crewe.

You're on the wrong train, sir.

This is for Glasgow.

The Edinburgh train... It's delayed.

I thought

if I got your train as far

as Carstairs I ought to be

in time to catch

the Manchester-Edinburgh on it's way up.

That should work.

Enjoy your journey, sir.

Tickets from Crewe.

I could have done with you

this morning, in Taunton.

Straight forward enough, surely?

Train down to Bristol Temple Meads...

The Bristol train was cancelled.

Well in that case you could

take it across to...

A friend gave me a lift.

I see. And he gave

me a timetable.

(PATTI LAUGHS)

Look at this...

He marked all of the interesting

things on the map.

Did you know...

Warrington was famous for vodka?

It's also the birthplace

of George Formby.

Hmm... is it really?

Most people assume it was Wigan.

Or Formby.

But it was Warrington.

You know, with all due respect to your friend,

if all he's mentioned is vodka,

he's really only scratched

the surface of Warrington.

The Black Prince.

Remember the Black Prince?

Had all his armour made there.

Warrington was really the only place

to go if you wanted a suit of armour.

A sort of Saville Row in steel.

(LAUGHS)

Goodness!

Maybe we should get off,

take a look around.

Well if think Warrington's interesting,

you wait till we get to Preston.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

Lancaster,

known as the Hanging Town.

Lancaster Assizes hanged more

people than any court in the land,

except for London.

That's Carnforth.

That's where they filmed

Brief Encounter, apparently.

You're too young to remember

that, of course.

Well my Aunt went to see it

with a girlfriend and a couple of sailors,

and she told me that...

whenever the actress...

Celia Johnson. Celia Johnson...

got a bit tearful,

the sailors would shout,

"Come on, Trevor. Give her one!"

Sorry.

I've gone too far.

Promise I'll behave

better from now on.

(LAUGHS)

(CLEARS HER THROAT)

I've never been to the Highlands

before, so suddenly... um...

well finding myself single

again, so to speak,

I... I thought

I'd like to see them.

So I'm going to go up as far as Mallaig

by train and then I'm catching

the coach to Inverness

and coming down the other side.

What do you think?

The West Coast

is extraordinarily beautiful.

You might well fall

in love with it.

And if I were to fall

in love, what then?

Well instead of a coach

to Inverness,

you might consider taking the line

back to Tyndrum and changing for Oban.

And from there you can get

any number of boat trips:

Iona, Staffa.

It's very romantic.

Are you romantic?

I have to be in Edinburgh...

by Wednesday.

ANNOUNCER:
Carstairs,

now approaching.

Carstairs. Carstairs.

So it is.

It was very nice to meet you.

You were an unexpected bonus.

Well.

Thank you again.

ERIC:
And so you see,

I am forced to the unlikely

conclusion,

that I've fallen in love.

(MUSIC PAUSES)

So?

What are you going to do?

Would you excuse

me for a moment?

There are only two trains from Inverness

to Edinburgh on Wednesdays...

(MUSIC RESUMES)

ANNOUNCER:
Edinburgh Waverley,

this is Edinburgh Waverley.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon. Ah...

This is a surprise.

What a coincidence.

Are you catching this train?

Yes, I am.

Well it's just that it

terminates here.

It's not entirely a coincidence.

It's not entirely a surprise.

I'm not really used

to entertaining, as you'll see.

What are you doing?

I was just going

to give it a stir.

Good heavens.

But the bottom of the pan's going

to burn... Sit down.

So masterful.

(TICKING)

Masterful but wrong.

We shall see.

I might nip out for a Brillo

pad for the burn marks

on the bottom of the pan.

Don't move.

Why not?

Because I'm looking at you.

(TIMER SOUNDS OFF)

Perfect.

You're making quite

a meal of this.

That was the general idea.

You know, I was wondering.

I've never kissed a man

with a moustache before.

Hmm...

And I don't think I'm going to kiss

a man with a moustache again.

Hmm.

And if the man removed

the moustache?

Yes, that would do nicely.

(LAUGHS)

(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

I'm just going to keep looking

into those lovely brown eyes.

Why?

I don't know.

Takes my mind off the broken

teeth and the shabby clothes.

Not quite so shabby

today, actually.

Better get them off so

I don't get confused, then.

If you think that's a good idea.

M-hmm.

I'm so happy.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(WATER TRICKLES)

(BOOT STEPS IN)

(FOREBODING ORIENTAL MUSIC)

Get dressed, Lomax.

(SHOUTS IN JAPANESE)

(YELLS IN JAPANESE)

No, no, no.

No!

The war's over!

Not for you, Lomax.

No! No! This way, please.

Please... no!

Eric! Oh, God!

(ERIC CONTINUES YELLING IN AGONY)

(STATIC IN EARPHONES)

VOICE FROM EARPHONES: Help us!

For the love of God, someone help us!

(YELLS AND SHOUTS FROM EARPHONES CONTINUE)

Gentlemen.

You have all fought valiantly.

You are a credit

to your country.

But I have to inform you

that General Percival has decided,

under the circumstances,

to negotiate, as it were,

a ceasefire.

He's thrown in the towel, sir?

What happens to us?

Thorlby!

We are still a fighting unit

and you will do what you're told.

You can start by destroying anything

that might be of value to the enemy.

Quickly, gentlemen.

Lomax.

What are you doing?

Might come in handy, sir.

(SCOFFS)

(SUSPENSFUL DRUM ROLLS)

(AEROPLANE ENGINES RUMBLE)

Christ almighty.

(TANK ENGINES RUMBLE)

(YELLS IN JAPANESE)

Lomax, my friend,

I think we have just witnessed

the fall of the British Empire.

(SHOUTS IN JAPANESE)

You will number off!

Beginning with number one.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Ten.

Jack.

Queen.

King.

Ace.

(COMMANDS IN JAPANESE)

(SOMBRE MUSIC INTERRUPTED

WITH SHOUTS IN JAPANESE)

Good?

(COMMANDS IN JAPANESE)

(HEAVY DOORS CLOSE)

(METAL CLANG, SILENCE)

(SLOW MUSIC)

(DISTANT WAVES)

So what do you think?

I don't want to take

over completely.

You're tired. Do you

want a cup of tea?

(MUSIC STOPS)

(DISTANT THUNDER)

(BREATHES RAPIDLY)

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