The Tiger's Tail Page #3

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Not at all. Same horse,

just a few hands higher.

Liam, if this was down to me...

Jim, it is down to you. We both know

that. Now you're head honcho.

When you were a branch manager,

I looked after you.

You've done well out of me.

Just make it happen.

Just get those permits, Liam.

The momentum's with us.

You saw the reaction the other night.

Irresistible. I'm seeing

the chief planner now, as it happens.

Give my love to Orla.

- Bertie!

- Jim.

- Liam.

- Bertie.

- How are you?

- I'm alright. How are you?

- Say your piece.

- Well, Liam,

face up to it, you won't get planning

for your stadium,

not with me opposing it, not while

I have the minister in my pocket.

He was disappointed in Florida.

You should've given him

spending money!

So?

I have the money, the plans

and all the permissions

that count for my stadium.

But given the site, local residents

will slow me down with objections.

Could cost me a couple of years.

What's that got to do with me?

Your site doesn't have them problems.

I'm willing to buy it off you,

help you out.

What's the offer?

You paid too much for it, Liam.

Best I can do is this.

I'll take the bank out for you,

so you only drop five million.

And I won't humiliate you.

I'll treat that five as an investment,

so you can tell people

you're a partner. What do you say?

F*** off is what I say.

Steady, Liam!

So our friend Jim at the bank

wants to switch the loan to you

so you can get the site for nothing?

Get out, you slime-bag! Get out!

That was not wise, Liam.

The mammy always gave you

choc-choc when you were upset?

Liam! There's someone on your boat.

He's cut his hair.

Who?

Liam, the tailor said

you already picked up your suit.

And you didn't order a 4x4, did you?

I've an invoice here for 70,000 euro.

Must be a mistake.

Liam? Liam!

- What's got into him at all?

- I don't know.

You want to have dinner tonight?

Only if you promise not to cry.

I promise.

We would designate that

as identity theft.

It's a crime that's reaching

epidemic proportions.

Did he use your credit card

to buy the suit?

No. I have an account

at the tailor's.

So why did they give it to him?

Because he looks like me.

I keep telling you!

He's an exact replica of me.

They thought he was me.

- And the car?

- Yeah, same thing.

And I suspect he's billed

my barber's.

- Why's that?

- He's copied my haircut.

And how was your dear mother?

Is that a loaded question?

You spent the night.

- Yeah.

- At the cottage.

Of course.

- What have I done now?

- I hardly know you any more.

You used to be so honest.

Now you lie through your teeth.

- What are you talking about?

- You weren't with your mother.

You were seen in Dublin

with Ursula in a restaurant

and you presumably

spent the night with her.

- It's him.

- Come on, Liam!

Not the phantom double again.

Surely you can do better than that.

- Hello?

- Hiya. It's Liam.

- Hello, Liam!

- I'm back home.

From where?

From visiting you.

Really?

When was that?

Mammy,

remember you read my poem.

Are you in the bathroom?

Doesn't sound like your voice.

Is that better?

No, Jane wasn't with me, no.

Mammy, I'll have to go.

Yeah. I'll call you tomorrow.

Sleep well.

We never talk.

You never touch me.

I feel like one of your acquisitions.

And now you're having an affair.

Have we reached the end of the line?

No.

I know how it looks, but

I have never looked at another woman.

I'll make it up to you.

I'll change, I promise.

Let's talk about it.

I suggest that you sleep

in your study tonight.

I'll find him. I'll prove it to you.

Over 'ere!

What do you want?

- What do you want from me?

- Come and find out, you bastard!

Come on!

Damn!

Stop!

Let's talk! Stop!

My phone.

What happened to your keys?

God knows.

God knows.

Are you alright, Dad?

Your voice sounds funny.

Sore throat?

Look.

What?

"Money is accumulated labour. "

Says who?

Karl Marx says. Think about that

next time you make a bunch of dosh.

It comes from lots of men

doing loads of work.

Want me to turn on the alarm?

Yeah. And bolt the door.

We don't want those workers

breaking in

looking for their accumulated labour,

do we?

OK, then, well, we'll meet

for a coffee after pilates.

Well, we'll talk about that later.

Cheers.

Alright, change and then get out.

Stop that!

Stop it! Let go!

Oh, Liam!

Oh, Liam!

What was that about?

What's got into you?

You don't come near me for months

and then this!

Don't go to sleep on me! You said

you wanted to talk, so let's talk.

How could you screw

that awful Ursula?

Let me guess. She's longed for you

since she was 12,

she didn't want to go to the grave

without doing it once

and you took pity on her.

Community service.

So?

What was it like?

Couldn't get it up.

You expect me to believe that?

No.

Ah, sh*t!

Ah, sh*t! Sh*t!

Bastard!

F***ing bolted!

- What was that?

- It's him.

Oh, God, don't start that again.

Right, this'll do.

Police? No, not a false alarm.

- It's me!

- Liam!

He's an impostor!

You b*tch!

Liam!

It's him! It's him!

Liam!

I saw him! I saw him.

Did he say anything?

There really is a double.

Or something.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

I thought you were losing your mind.

Stay here.

You won't get away with it!

In your earlier statement,

you said he misappropriated the 4x4,

the one standing outside the house.

Can we assume that he arrived in it?

Wait. I thought it was out there

when Dad came home.

Maybe not.

And you say you've seen him

on more than one occasion.

Yeah.

And he looks enough like you

to convince people that he is you?

Obviously!

You definitely saw him at the window,

Mrs O'Leary?

Yes. Liam says he has a double

and I can certainly see the resemblance.

But I could never mistake him

for my husband.

He was filthy and he had these

mad eyes and he looked just awful.

And he called me a b*tch.

Well, I think that's about enough

for now.

I have the details of your mother

and sister.

We'll warn them

and keep an eye on their houses.

And of course all your staff

need to be alerted.

Thanks.

Call if he tries it again.

Oona.

Oona will know who I am.

Please be in the ignition.

Yeah.

- Do come to bed.

- In a minute.

Got to report this.

Oh, God, Oona, no!

- That's him! That's the one!

- Stop!

Stop!

Ursula!

Ursula!

Ursula, I need you to prove who I am.

Oh, God, Liam, go away!

Yeah, sorry.

Ursula, I really need your help.

- Paul, he found out.

- About what?

About us. On your boat.

Ursula, that wasn't the real me.

I'm sorry.

What's going on here?

Get away from my house!

- Go on, you tripe-hound! Get away!

- Please, go on inside!

What are you coming back for?

What is your problem?

It wasn't me!

I don't ever wanna see him again!

Is Father Andy in?

He's in his bed, like all

god-fearing people at this hour,

in his own house.

- Can I come in?

- At this hour?

It's Liam O'Leary.

- I'm destitute.

- That's something!

For God's sake,

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