The United States of Leland

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THE UNITED STATES OF LELAND

When I say I don't remember that day,

I'm not lying.

I wish I did,

but I just don't.

Sometimes the most

important stuff goes away.

It goes away so bad,

it's like it was never there to begin with.

It's funny,

the stuff that sticks in your head.

I could tell you forward and backward

about some day when I was five,

and my dad bought me

a stupid ice-cream cone.

I could tell you the

flavour of the ice cream...

Was... pink bubble gum.

...and even stuff about

the girl who scooped it out.

Her hair was fire red.

All that stuff is there like

it was happening right now, but...

I don't remember that day.

At least, not the stuff

that they want me to.

I remember it was the

first really hot day of spring.

I remember how the sun felt

on the back of my neck.

That's about it.

Here's another one

of those things that sticks.

This one is something

a friend of mine said to me.

"You have to believe that life is more

than the sum of its parts, kiddo. "

I remember it right

down to that "kiddo" part.

But when I think about what she said,

the same thing always comes into my head...

What if you can't put the pieces

together in the first place?

# And this I know,

his teeth as white as snow

# What a gas it was to see him

# Walk her every day,

into a shady place

# With lips, she said...

Erm...

Just hold on one sec.

# Hey, Paul, hey, Paul, hey, Paul

Let's have a ball...

Come in.

- How are you, Beck?

- Good.

Yeah, you know, I'm pretty good.

I'm good.

Daddy, how are you?

Where's Ryan?

I was telling her the same thing

five minutes ago, Mrs Pollard.

I swear, it's like she doesn't

wanna listen to us.

I just don't think I sounded

as good as the other girls.

I think it's a good experience for you.

You've never done one of the musicals.

Yeah, well,

this is the first and the last.

I love your voice.

You'd say that if I sounded like

a harpy with throat cancer.

- You think it's bad?

- No.

Of course not.

# Stuck here out of gas

# Out here on the Gaza Strip...

Damn.

Julie Pollard, Tim Wallace from the Drama

Department at Iowa. Just checking up on you.

Wondered if we can expect

to see you in the fall.

Give me a call here at the office.

I'll be in tomorrow.

You should call him,

let him know you settled on ASU.

- You did send your confirmation?

- I think I still have a few days.

Oh, Mom, the shop called.

They say you can pick up your car.

What's the damage?

- They didn't say on the machine.

- Oh, that's a great sign!

Hello?

Slow down, Harry,

I can't understand you.

What?

What happened?

No, I'll... I'll be right there.

Lee?

Lee?

Hi, Mommy.

Are you all right?

Er...

I think I made a mistake.

I can't imagine too many details

have been released...

...suspect's here.

Do they have any leads?

- Yeah?

- Are you watching the news, chief?

Er, yeah, you know I gotta stay

on top of the topical sh*t.

The TV boys say the

suspect is 16.

Ten bucks says the SFK winds

up here in your class tomorrow.

- Why would he be Special Handling? - You

can get by with a lot of sh*t in this world

but you can't stab a retarded

kid and not be Special Handling.

S.F.K. chief.

Sick F***ing Kid.

# Another one we

all walk away

# Never a dream your eyes,

wont you play

# Rhythm alone won't

hold me in mind

# Ooh want to set it all on fire

# Bury my feet in the

cold of a meadow

# Into the unknown

northern wind

# Dreams to ignite through

northern fields we'll fly

# Fly

# Don't tell me its all the

same in the middle

# So memory lie

outside your meadow

# Tow me around

outside the middle

# Turn me around

all I can be here

Sorry, ma'am, visiting days are

every second Sunday of the month.

- Noon to four.

- He didn't do this, ok?

He didn't do this...

horrible things they say he did.

- There's nothing I can do, all right?

- Please, please. One minute.

One minute.

Right, there's nothing I can do,

so I need you to turn around.

...apprehended the alleged suspect

at an area hospital earlier this evening.

Leland! Leland Fitzgerald!

Did you do it?

Do you have anything to say?

We'll be right back.

The Jiffy Lube signature service oil change,

every 3000 month.

- Briefcase?

- Briefcase.

Hi. Good morning.

- I was wondering if I could borrow

a stamp? - Let me see.

Erm...

I'm kinda new here, so I'm not

really sure where they keep stuff.

I blanked on a phone bill.

I'm gonna be in debtor's prison

if I don't get it in the mail.

Get the bills.

I understand.

Here we are.

Thanks.

Oh, by the way, I'm Pearl.

- Good morning.

- Hey.

What did I tell you, chief?

Newest addition to SH and your very own

pop sheet, Mr Leland P. Fitzgerald,

- killer of retarded kids.

- Kid.

Ben, retarded kid, singular.

You'll never guess

who his daddy is.

I'll put 50 bucks on Satan.

Albert Fitzgerald.

- No sh*t?

- Hey, I was close.

- What's wrong with Fitzgerald?

- Let me see...

He's a drunk, a misogynist...

- Cat can write.

- He's despicable.

Despicable? He's a bastard. So what?

You don't judge a writer by his life.

You judge him by his work.

A different moral standard going on here.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Could I look at your paper?

Oh, yes, certainly, erm...

Business or Life?

Oh, no, I'll wait for the

front page, thank you.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry if I'm

bothering you, but...

- aren't you an actor?

- Aren't we all, dear?

No, no.

I mean, a famous actor.

I know your face.

I was in Stanley Kubrick's musical,

the one about the alcoholic pirates.

I played Captain Morgan.

Whenever you're done

with the front page, dear.

How about hooking us up with a

table right by the kitchen, dog?

What you in for, dog?

Hey, I'm not asking you cos I'm gonna kick

your ass if you did some f***ed-up sh*t,

cos I already know you

did some f***ed-up sh*t.

Hey, a guy like me,

you know he's an SH cos he ratted

out some b*tch from State Street.

Now half the pop wants to stick

a f***ing pencil to his eye.

Hey, but white boys ain't about

that gang sh*t though, huh?

Especially not white boys like you

who don't look like no Slim Shady.

White boys like you the ones

who did some f***ed-up sh*t, huh?

That's cool, dog.

OK, everybody,

take your seats, please.

You'll have to forgive Mr Madison today.

He's moving kinda slow.

His head's beating like it's

the end of the world.

You been drinking that cheap

ass burgundy again, ain't you?

Hey, three bucks, two litres.

I couldn't pass it up.

You, sir, are new to my class.

- What's your name?

- Fitzgerald. Leland P. Fitzgerald.

Well, Mr Leland P. Fitzgerald,

my name is Pearl Madison.

And I'm gonna be your history teacher,

your science teacher, your math teacher,

your anything else

teacher all rolled into one

for however many days, weeks,

months you'll be here with us.

Hey, Pearly,

when are you bringing

your dancer up here, dog?

As soon as the lovely

Miranda returns from LA,

- I'm sure she would be delighted

to meet you hoodlums. - Liar.

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