The Whole Ten Yards

Janni, Jimmy, get in here now!

I'm so tired of all the fighting.

You have no idea!

- He hit me first.

- He hit me first.

- Liar!

- I don't care who started it.

It has to stop.

I need you two to get aIong.

You understand that one day...

...you will inherit my empire, yes?

- What's an empire?

- Shut up.

This will remind you that you

are two halves of one.

Together, you are more powerful

than apart. Yes?

What does this mean?

One day, you will find out.

Hey, seor.

- Freeze!

- Hi, honey.

Just vacuumed this rug, okay?

I got it all even.

Take your shoes off, please.

You know the rule.

Now, please, try not to scare Blanche.

Don't clunk. You're scaring her!

Look, you scared Blanche now, Jill. Jill!

Be done in a minute. Don't go in.

There's a surprise in there! Don't look.

Okay.

Finished it up today.

lt's all our favorite hit men.

All our favorite hits.

Now, l don't think you ever met

Tony ''The Tooth.'' Capped him in Chicago.

l even got the hole in his head where

l whacked him with a 9- iron.

Santo ''Three Fingers.'' Remember

the rat that wouldn't shut up?

And, of course, Frankie Figs.

Who could forget Frankie Figs?

''Oh, wow, Jimmy, you shot me.''

- Poor Frankie.

- Jimmy.

- What?

- We need to talk.

l mean, l...

l just wanted everything to be perfect

for when the baby came. That's all.

That's what we need to talk about.

So how did the hit go?

- Good.

- Really?

- So you let him get away.

- No!

- Then he's dead?

- Yeah.

- Then what is it?

- l didn't kill him.

- But he is dead.

- At first, everything went smooth.

l did everything you said.

l had the taxi, l had the flowers.

Nobody even notices me.

l could have been invisible.

You have a problem getting in?

Oh, honey, l finally used my lock- pick set!

Like this, l was in there and

l'm waiting and l'm poised...

...l'm cool as a cucumber. All of a sudden,

the frigging guy's phone rings.

You flinched.

- l whip my gun around...

- You flinched!

...and l knock over his tomato sauce.

You must stay focused when

you are killing a person!

Then l've got this whole big mess.

The more I try to clean up,

the worse it gets.

Tomato sauce is a tough stain to get

out. You need a good grease cutter.

Then finally, I hear the

guy's key in the lock.

Now, let me guess:

your shotgun's out of reach.

So now I gotta think fast.

So I go for my gun...

...he slides across the floor and, well...

I would go into detail, but let's just say...

...he left the building.

I gotta say, if the guy's dead,

we gotta put this in the win column.

Same thing with Spiegelman.

He fell down an elevator shaft.

But you were running right

behind him just before he fell.

But I just wanna shoot someone!

All right, now. All right, now, baby.

Murdering another human being

can be a very moving experience.

Listen.

I got an idea.

What do you say we go and kill

somebody, just us?

We'll find some drunk tourist, take him to

the beach and put three in his coconut.

What's your favorite gun?

- A.45.

- Great.

We'll make a big mess.

How does that sound, baby doll?

My roast.

- This isn't working.

- Oven's working fine, Jill.

No, this, this, Jimmy.

I married a contract killer,

not Martha Stewart.

Hey, I am in disguise, okay?

Yeah, well, your disguise is dumb.

I mean, look at yourself.

And what are you doing in disguise?

Everyone thinks you're dead.

Well, you never can tell, can you?

You are gonna sit and enjoy this meal.

I got this recipe from

Mrs. Sanchez next door.

This is a cilantro reduction.

Hey, watch your fingerprints!

- I spent the whole morning scrubbing.

- There is something wrong with you.

Hey, there is nothing wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong with me.

Every man that has an ongoing

sexual relationship...

...experiences certain peaks and valleys

within his male libido from time to time.

Last time we saw a peak was almost a

year ago, Mr. Jimmy ''The Tulip'' Tudeski.

We're in a valley. We're below

sea level. We're under the water.

The Tulip has:

Jimmy the Tulip is alive and well.

I'm not so sure. I saw a doctor in L.A.

This is a cilantro reduction.

You marinate the meat

in tequila for 2 1 /2 hours...

...and it melts--

- Are you listening?

He said it wasn't me.

Jill, please just come eat.

I have been cooking all day.

Jimmy!

You might be shooting blanks.

This is not a dumb disguise.

Now, come eat.

Think fast!

- Strabonitz!

- Papa.

This is the best birthday present

I could ever have.

Come here. My big boy,

giant in the family.

- It's a beautiful day, no?

- Yes.

No?

No.

''No'' meaning ''yes.''

''No'' meaning ''yes.''

- Get in the car, I'm starving!

- All right.

If I don't eat soon, I'll pass out.

Hello, birdie. Tweet, tweet, my friend.

Tweet, tweet.

- Babe, you look hot.

- Oz, knock it off.

Just checking out the gyroscopic swivel pan

mechanism. You know, the new one.

You checked it three times already this

morning. Nobody is coming, Oz.

- Knock it off.

- Okay.

I got it, honey!

- Who sent you?

- Buttercup Scouts of America.

What troop are you with?

- What?

- You heard me.

What's your den mother's name?

Carol?

Jesus, Oz, what the hell are you doing?

- She's a Buttercup Scout.

- I'm not buying this scout routine.

Besides, I think there's

something in her hand.

Cookies. Minty Thins.

This is Ellen Wasserstrom's daughter.

I told her mother

I'd buy cookies from her.

Putz.

- I heard that!

- Jag- off.

Well, that was a close call, huh?

Minty Thins are bad anyway.

They cause staining--

- You've really got to stop this now, Oz.

- I know.

Nobody is coming to get us. They can't

come and get us, because they're all dead.

- Or in jail.

- Right.

If you look at that monitor

one more time...

I'll be taking cold showers?

For starters.

You look very nice in that robe.

This will make you very happy. I think.

You think, huh?

Well, for starters, I hate the color.

So! You are the two that tried to muscle in

on my businesses while I was gone.

- No!

- Tell everyone that Lazlo Gogolak...

...is back in town.

How are they gonna tell

anyone when they're dead?

What?

Come here. I love you, boy.

Don't correct me. As a rule.

- What is that? Give it to me.

- Here, boss.

Oh, another surprise.

That was fun.

Oseransky.

- It's me.

- Oh, hey, Jill, how are you?

- How's your new dental assistant?

- Well, she's not trying to kill me.

Never forget the fun we had.

- Hey, listen. Can I ask you something?

- Sure, anything.

You think Jimmy and Cynthia talk?

What do you mean? Like you and I talk?

No, like, I mean, ''talk'' talk.

I don't understand. Why would

Jimmy and Cynthia be ''talk'' talking?

No, Cynthia would tell me.

She tells me everything.

- Why?

- He's acting like a fruitcake.

- What, he's killing people?

- I wish.

No, he's up to something. He's acting like

he's out of his mind, but I don't believe it.

Oh, jeez, a homicidal maniac acting

totally crazy. What a surprise.

- Jill!

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