There's Something About Mary

FADE IN:

EXT. CUMBERLAND, RHODE ISLAND HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING

It's the early 1980's and everyone is arriving at school. We push

through the parking lot crowd to a nervous, lanky kid, TED

PELOQUIN.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)

When I was sixteen years old I fell in

love...

CLOSE ON - RENISE, a tough girl with stringy brown hair and a

shiny forehead, as she turns toward the camera.

TED:

Hey, Renise.

She barely looks at him as he approaches, just drags on her smoke.

RENISE:

Hey.

TED:

So what's up?

RENISE:

Eh.

TED:

Great. Great.

(beat)

So listen, uh, I was wondering if maybe you

wanted to go to the prom you know, with

me.

Renise looks unenthused.

TED (cont'd)

It's no big deal, whatever I mean, if you

want.

RENISE:

See, the thing is, I heard a rumor that

this guy I like was gonna ask me.

TED:

Uh-huh.

RENISE:

Yeah, so...I'm gonna wait and see what

happens there...But that sounds great,

yeah.

Ted nods, confused.

TED:

Okay.

(beat)

So is that a yes or a no?

RENISE:

I think I was very clear, Ted. If

everything else falls apart, maybe.

Renise throws down her butt and storms off.

TED:

I'm gonna hold you to that.

CUT TO:

EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT

ANGLE ON - a pretty girl, MARY, climbing off a ten-speed in the

school parking lot. She's athletic and tanned and doesn't have a

bad bone in her body.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)

Her name was Mary. She'd moved to our

little Rhode Island town from Minnesota two

years earlier.

She locks up the bike and starts walking toward the school.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)

Mary was very smart, and very cool, and she

had a faceful of eyes that promised you a

better life if you could only know her.

As she approaches the camera, we PAN to see Ted watching her. He's

sitting on a picnic table with two FRIENDS.

FRIEND #1

Hey, dirtbud, who you going to the prom

with?

Finally Ted takes his eyes off Mary.

TED:

Ah, I don't know if I'm even gonna. You

know, not my style.

FRIEND #2

You have a style?

FRIEND #1

Why don't you be a gentleman and ask Rosey?

TED:

(perks up)

Who?

Friend #1 makes a jerk-off motion.

FRIEND #1

Rosey Palm, your girlfriend. God knows you

spend enough f***ing time with her.

The guys LAUGH.

TED:

(out of ammo but doesn't

know it)

Yeah, and who are you gonna take, your own

palm?

His friends stare at him.

FRIEND #1

Clever. I like the way you just spun that

around on me.

Friend #2 notices Mary talking to her FRIENDS.

FRIEND #2

I wonder who she's going with.

FRIEND #1

Some guy named Woogie.

TED:

Who?

FRIEND #1

Big guy--goes to Barrington high school.

This irks Ted.

TED:

Woogie from Borrington high? Sounds like

a loser.

FRIEND #1

Loser? Woogie was all-state football and

and basketball and valedictorian of his

class.

FRIEND #2

I heard he got a scholarship to Princeton

but he's going to Europe first to model.

This takes the wind out of Ted's sails.

FRIEND #3

Yeah and he's got a huge cock.

Everyone looks at him.

FRIEND #3 (cont'd)

I heard.

Suddenly Friend #1 NOTICES something.

FRIEND #1

Hey, check it out.

THEIR POV - A large, goofy YOUNG MAN with an unfashionable

crewcut comes walking up the street. He's in his early twenties

and though the weather is mild he's WEARING EARMUFFS. He

approaches a GROUP OF KIDS sitting on a car hood.

EAR-MUFF GUY

You seen my baseball?

CAR HOOD KID #2

No.

The kids watch as the Ear-Muff Guy approaches another group.

EAR-MUFF GUY

You seen my baseball?

ON CAR HOOD KIDS

CAR HOOD KID #1

(to his buddies)

This guy must be in the 'tard squad.

(to Ear-Muff Guy)

Hey, buddy, come here, I think I know where

your ball is.

The Ear-Muff Guy heads back to the car.

EAR-MUFF GUY

You seen my baseball?

CAR HOOD KID #1

Yeah, I seen it. That girl over there, she

has it.

Car Hood Kid #1 points to a BUSTY GIRL leaning against another car

talking to her large BOYFRIEND.

CAR HOOD KID #2 (cont'd)

'Cept she doesn't call it a baseball. She

has another name for it...

CUT TO:

ON BUSTY GIRL - The Ear-Muff Guy marches up to her and her

boyfriend.

EAR-MUFF GUY

You seen my pecker?

GIRL:

What?!

EAR-MUFF GUY

You seen my pecker?

The Boyfriend grabs him by the collar.

BOYFRIEND:

You son-of-a-b*tch, I'll kick your ass!

The Boyfriend throws the Ear-Muff Guy to the ground and is about

to pummel him when Ted intervenes.

TED:

Take it easy, Smokey.

BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY

This f***ing pervert just came on to Nance!

TED:

All right, just be cool.

(under breath)

He looks like he's not all there, you know

what I mean?

A crowd starts to gather which only incites Smokey more.

BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY

Get the f*** out of my way, man!

Smokey tosses Ted out of the way and moves toward the Ear-Muff

Guy. Just then Mary shows up and steps between them.

MARY:

What's going on here?

She bends down and helps the Ear-Muff Guy off the ground.

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