There's Something About Mary Page #11

MARY:

What's that?

HEALY:

I work with retards.

MARY:

(taken aback)

I beg your pardon?

HEALY:

You know...

(flaps lips with fingers)

...the guys who ride the short bus.

MARY:

(put off)

Isn't that a little politically incorrect?

HEALY:

The hell with that. No one's gonna tell me

who I can and can't work with.

MARY:

No, I mean

HEALY:

--There's this one kid, we call him Mongo

on account of he's a mongoloid. He got out

of his cage once and--

MARY:

--He's in a cage?!

HEALY:

Well it's more of an enclosure really.

MARY:

They keep him confined? That's bullshit!

HEALY:

That's what I said, so I went out and got

him a leash you know, one of those

clothesline runners for the backyard. He's

got plenty of room out there to dig. The

kid's really blossomed. Now I can take him

to ball games, movies--you know, happy

stuff.

MARY:

That sounds like fun.

HEALY:

Yeah, it's fun for them, but it's heaven

for me.

(getting emotional)

Those goofy bastards are just about the

best thing I have in this crazy old world.

(checks watch)

Ooh, hey, I gotta run.

MARY:

(won back over)

Look, uh, I was thinking maybe we should go

have dinner sometime.

Healy smiles at this and we

CUT TO:

EXT. PROVIDENCE APARTMENT - 7:45 A.M.

A profusely sweating Ted has a DRESSER ON HIS BACK and EEKS his

way toward the front door as his BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER catches

up to him IN A WHEELCHAIR. (The man is a quadriplegic who needs to

use a MOUTHPIECE to operate his chair.)

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER

Hey, sh*t-for-brains, be careful not to

scratch that thing, huh?

TED:

(straining)

What?

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER

You heard me. You already put a f***ing

nick in my piano.

TED:

(biting tongue)

I'll try to be more careful.

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER

S'matter with you? You look like you're

fading.

TED:

The thing's kind of heavy.

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER

Heavy? Heavy?! What I wouldn't give to know

what heavy feels like, you insensitive

prick.

TED:

No, I just meant...

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER

Yeah yeah. I'm going to the corner to get a

cup of coffee.

The Boss's Disabled Brother bites into the mouthpiece and ZIPS

AWAY up the sidewalk. Ted takes a step. Rests. A step. Rests.

ASSERTIVE WOMAN'S VOICE

Hey you!

Ted glances back toward the street to see a T.V. NEWS REPORTER

from the CHANNEL 7 I-TEAM rushing toward him with a NEWS CREW on

her heels.

T.V. NEWS REPORTER (cont'd)

Do you know that you're parked in a

handicapped spot?

CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Ted is splayed out on a table in obvious pain while DR. LALONDE,

an old high school pal, palpates his spine.

DR. LALONDE

(smirking)

So...I see you made the news.

TED:

(angry and embarrassed)

It wasn't my truck--I was helping out a guy

in a wheelchair.

DR. LALONDE

(dubious)

Uh-huh. Where was he?

TED:

Out getting coffee.

DR. LALONDE

Yeah, that's more or less what the others

said, too. Out getting coffee...supposed to

meet him here...picking up my grandma...

Ted turns and GLARES at him.

DR. LALONDE (cont'd)

I'm just saying...They sure made you look

dumb.

Ted SIGHS. A couple big CRACKS of the neck.

TED:

Bob, do you remember Mary?

DR. LALONDE

Who?

TED:

Mary.

DR. LALONDE

From high school Mary? Yeah, I saw her

about six months ago at a convention in Las

Vegas.

Ted sits up.

TED:

A convention? How'd you see her at a

convention?

DR. LALONDE

I'm an orthopedic surgeon, she's an

orthopedic surgeon.

The Doc SIGHS, still able to recall the feeling.

DR. LALONDE (cont'd)

What a babe...

Ted sits up on his elbows.

TED:

Babe?

CUT TO:

INT. PROVIDENCE MUTUAL INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY

A buckled-over Ted limps into Dom's office with a crazed look on

his face.

TED:

Mary's a babe!

DOM:

What?

TED:

My Mary--she's not in Japan, she's single,

and she's got no rugrats. She does have a

little gambling problem, she plays the

football cards a bit too much, but she's a

babe, a surgeon babe!

DOM:

Huh? But why did Healy?

TED:

Well think about it.

Ted folds his arms.

DOM:

No You mean...?

TED:

Uh-huh.

DOM:

The lazy f*** just didn't bother to look

her up.

TED:

(nodding)

That sneaky prick was probably practicing

his jai alai.

Dom shakes his head. Then:

DOM:

Well then you've got to call her, man.

TED:

F*** calling her. I'm going down there.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

While Mary gets ready for her date, Magda sits in front of the

radio scanner in her bathrobe with her little dog Puffy on her

lap.

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