There's Something About Mary Page #12

MAGDA:

So who's the lucky guy?

MARY:

Name's Patrick, I met him at the driving

range.

MAGDA:

Good lookin'?

MARY:

He's no Steve Young.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT 69

Healy, listening through his headphones, reacts to this.

MAGDA (V.O.)

What's he like?

MARY (V.O.)

I don't know. He's kind of a mook.

MAGDA (V.O.)

What's a mook?

MARY (V.O.)

You know, a mookalone, a schlep.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

MAGDA:

Then why you going out with him if he's a

schlep?

MARY:

Come on, Magda

(SIGHS)

It's like that movie Harold and Maude.

MAGDA:

I don't watch the new ones.

MARY:

This one's almost thirty years old. It's

about a young kid and an old lady who fall

in love.

MAGDA:

That's exactly why I don't watch 'em

anymore--it's bullshit! Why the hell would

an old lady go for a young kid?

Mary smiles at this.

MARY:

The point is, love isn't about money or

social standing or age, it's about

connecting with someone, having things in

common kindred spirits.

MAGDA:

F*** kindred spirits. My little Puffy

here's gonna tell you all you need to know

about this guy in about two seconds flat.

If he starts yapping, he's a loser; if

Puffy's relaxed...well, you got yourself a

keeper.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

As Healy thinks about this, we

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Healy enters the building.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Healy tiptoes up to Mary's apartment door. He peeks through the

mail slot.

HEALY'S POV - Puffy is staring at him and GROWLING.

Healy reaches in his pocket, pulls out a VALIUM and a DOGGY TREAT.

Healy shoves the pill into the treat's soft center, examines it,

then thinks what the hell and SHOVES IN ANOTHER ONE.

Puffy GROWLS LOUDER. Healy pops the treat through the mail slot

and listens as the dog DEVOURS IT. Healy looks at his watch, then

sneaks back outside to wait a few minutes for the drugs to kick

in.

CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Healy is sitting on Mary's couch with Puffy spread-eagled

upside-down on his lap, KNOCKED OUT COLD. Mary and Magda look on

in amazement.

HEALY:

(baby talk)

Oh, Pufferball likes his little tum-tum

rubbed, doesn't he now?

MARY:

Wow, I've never seen him like this. He

doesn't usually like guys.

MAGDA:

You mean he doesn't like bad guys.

HEALY:

'That right?

MAGDA:

He can tell you're an animal nut. You are,

aren't ya?

HEALY:

Truth is I usually get along better with

animals than with people. In Nepal the

villagers call me 'Kin-tan-tee', which

means 'man who is loved by many animals...

(babbling)

...who love him a lot, too...and so on.'

Magda stares dreamily at Healy, smitten.

MAGDA:

Would you like a glass of tea or something?

HEALY:

You got a brew?

MARY:

Sure.

(noticing Magda's trance)

Uh, Magda, why don't you get some more

cheese and crackers...?

MAGDA:

Oh, yeah, of course, dear.

The two women go into the kitchen and Healy is left to pet the

MOTIONLESS DOG. Suddenly Healy notices that the dog is A LITTLE

TOO MOTIONLESS. Healy checks Puffy's pulse. He looks at his watch

to time the rate.

MARY (O.S.)

(CALLING out)

Sorry, Pat, out of beer. You like vodka?

HEALY:

(CALLING out)

Great.

He starts SHAKING THE DOG, but Puffy doesn't move. Healy goes into

action. He starts pressing on his heart, PERFORMING DOGGIE CPR.

One-and-two-and-three, he continues trying to revive him.

MAGDA (O.S.)

(CALLING out)

Would you like a little clam-dip, honey?

HEALY:

(CALLING out)

No, thanks.

(panicking)

Love a little bundt cake if you have some!

INT. MARY'S KITCHEN - SAME

Magda and Mary are on their way out the door when they stop.

MAGDA:

Bundt cake?

MARY:

(shrugs)

Must have a sweet tooth. See if you can

find some cookies.

As Magda starts to go through the cupboards...

INT. MARY'S FAMILY ROOM - SAME

A panicked Healy is giving the little mutt MOUTH-TO-MOUTH now.

Then back to the heart, the mouth, the heart, the mouth....

HEALY:

(quietly, desperately, to Puffy)

Come on, man, stay away from the light!

Healy resumes blowing into the dog's snout, pumping his chest,

with no results. Desperate, he picks up the cheese knife and

quickly SLICES THE WIRES ON TWO TABLE LAMPS.

Healy grabs the two wires and TOUCHES THEM TOGETHER LIKE A

DEFIBRILLATOR on the little pooch's chest.

ZZZZZTTTTTT - the dog BOUNCES a couple feet off the couch as

SPARKS FLY.

Healy takes his pulse again. Nothing. He ZAPS him once more with

the LIVE WIRES.

ZZZZZTTTTT - Still nothing. Healy gets to his feet and peeks

into the kitchen. When he turns his back, we see PUFFY IGNITE IN

FLAMES.

When Healy turns back, he's horrified at what he sees. He grabs a

vase of flowers and POURS THE WATER ON THE BURNING DOG.

With this, Puffy flinches and comes to, GASPING FOR AIR!

MAGDA:

All I had was some Funny Bones--how does

that sound, honey?

Healy picks up the stunned pooch and swaddles it in a blanket as

Magda ENTERS the room followed by Mary.

HEALY:

(petting dog)

Fine. Fine.

MARY:

Here you go.

(sniffs)

What's that smell?

Mary hands Healy his vodka and as he downs it, we

CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI MUSEUM - NIGHT

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