There's Something About Mary Page #14

TED:

The exercise tape? Sure, I've seen it on

T.V.

HITCHHIKER:

Two million copies it sold last year. Two

million, man. But not next year--my idea's

gonna blow them outta the water. Get this:

(dramatic pause)

Seven-Minute Abs.

BEAT.

TED:

I see where you're going.

HITCHHIKER:

(big smile)

Think about it. You walk into a video

store and you see Eight-Minute Abs and

right next to it you see Seven-Minute

Abs--which one you gonna spring for?

TED:

I'd go with the seven.

HITCHHIKER:

Bingo. Especially since we guarantee you'll

get every bit as good a work-out.

TED:

How do you guarantee that?

HITCHHIKER:

Well it's the company motto: 'If you ain't

happy we'll send you the extra minute.'

TED:

Huh. That sounds great.

(beat)

Unless someone else comes out with

Six-Minute Abs.

Ted CHUCKLES, but the Hitchhiker just GLARES at him, unamused.

TED (cont'd)

(unaware)

I'm gonna pull over. I gotta take a leak.

EXT. REST AREA - NIGHT

The Toyota Tercel pulls in and parks. Ted gets out and walks into

the bushes to whiz.

ON TED - as he steps into the dark brush UNZIPPING his fly he

TRIPS over something and FALLS TO THE GROUND.

TED:

What the--?

Suddenly WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH--several huge SPOTLIGHTS

illuminate the area revealing

TWO DOZEN FRIGHTENED MEN scurrying to pull their pants up all

around him.

POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)

THIS IS A RAID!

ANGLE ON a startled Ted ON HIS KNEES directly in front of

ANOTHER MAN, making it appear that he's been BLOWING THE GUY.

REVERSE ANGLE reveals a DOZEN POLICE OFFICERS holding the

spotlights and moving in for the arrests followed by a CAMERA

CREW.

TED:

(deer caught in headlights)

Wait a second, it's not what you think.

A GUY with his pants at his ankles jumps on the bandwagon.

PANTS AT ANKLES GUY

That's right! I-I-I was just pissing!

Ted glares at him.

TED:

No! I was pissing!

POLICE OFFICER:

Yeah, I'll bet you all were. Come on, in

the truck.

As they grab Ted and the others and hustle them away, we

PAN TO the Hitchhiker sitting in the Toyota watching the raid

unfold.

The Hitchhiker is clearly PANICKY at the sight of all the cops.

Quietly he OPENS THE CAR DOOR, ducks down, and then SPRINTS AWAY

INTO THE WOODS UNSEEN, LEAVING HIS BIG RED BAG BEHIND.

CUT TO:

CLOSE UP OF TELEVISION SCREEN as the bust continues. Each of the

men COVER THEIR FACES as they pass by the camera, EXCEPT FOR TED

who is extremely visible.

TED:

(to Cop)

Okay, take it easy, you don't have to push.

REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS a shocked Dom and his wife watching this

on their television.

DOM:

Oh my God. Is that...?

DOM'S WIFE

(matter-of-fact)

Told you he was gay.

BACK ON THE TELEVISION - The COPS struggle to get the feisty Ted

into a police van.

TED:

I was taking a leak!

T.V. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

We'll be right back with more of our

special edition of COPS - LIVE IN THE

BIBLE BELT!

CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - NIGHT

Healy and Mary are walking home at the end of their date. Healy is

eating a big, wild cone of COTTON CANDY and drinking a beer.

HEALY:

That grandmother of yours--she's really

something.

MARY:

Magda? She's not my grandmother--actually

she rents the apartment right next to mine.

Her husband passed away a couple years ago

so she doesn't like to be alone.

HEALY:

And it doesn't cramp your style?

MARY:

Sadly, no. Well except for the lint.

HEALY:

Lint?

MARY:

Yeah, I think it's that dog of hers running

around on the rug all day--just makes for a

lot of lint. Look at this...

Mary lifts her shirt, revealing a BIG CLUMP OF COTTON CANDY

STICKING OUT OF HER BELLY-BUTTON.

MARY (cont'd)

See? That's just one day.

Healy CRACKS UP and then gazes at her. What a babe.

HEALY:

You know, sometimes I wish I could be like

Magda and not go home. I'd like to just

bounce around for awhile, do a little

traveling...

MARY:

Why bounce when you have your own condo in

Nepal to go to?

It's clear Healy forgot about that one.

HEALY:

Ah, I'd sell that. Start fresh in a new

place, quit the architect game, slow things

down, read more books, see more movies...

MARY:

You're a movie buff?

HEALY:

Try to be. It's tough going with the crap

they make today. If Dumb and Dumber's the

best they've got to offer I say thanks but

no thanks.

MARY:

Have you seen it?

HEALY:

No. But the Boston Globe critic Jay Carr

hated it.

MARY:

A f***ing moron.

HEALY:

Huh. I guess I just wish they made them

like they used to. You know, something like

The Heartbreak Kid...or Harold and

Maude.

Mary can't believe her ears.

MARY:

Harold and Maude is my all-time favorite

movie.

HEALY:

Ouch. Come on, don't bust my chops. I know

it's corny, but I do love it.

MARY:

Pat, I'm not kidding. I really think it's

the greatest--

HEALY:

--Love story of our time.

Mary smiles. Is this guy for real?

MARY:

Yeah.

HEALY:

Wow. I thought I was the only one.

They come to her apartment building and stop. It gets a little

awkward.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote