There's Something About Mary Page #17

Mary shoots Brenda a look.

MAGDA:

Hey hey, what did you say Pat's last name

was?

MARY:

Healy.

Magda's eyes almost come out of her head.

MAGDA:

I think you better listen to this.

Magda turns up the volume on her scanner and we can clearly hear

Healy TALKING ON HIS CELLULAR PHONE. Mary and her girlfriends

gather around.

SULLY (V.O.)

So where the hell are you, Healy?

HEALY (V.O.)

Ah, I got a date tonight with that Mary

girl I told you about.

SULLY (V.O.)

The sawbones?

HEALY (V.O.)

Yep.

The girls all look at one another.

BRENDA:

We hit the motherlode.

MARY:

We shouldn't be listening to this.

LISA AND JOANNIE

Shhh.

SULLY (V.O.)

She still think you're a f***ing architect?

HEALY (V.O.)

Oh yeah.

SULLY (V.O.)

Dumbshit.

LISA:

Mr. Perfect, huh?

Mary starts to feel like a fool.

MARY:

(edgy)

Turn it up, Magda.

HEALY (V.O.)

Hey, watch your mouth--she's a great gal.

I'm the dumbshit for lying to her.

SULLY (V.O.)

Why didn't you just tell her the truth?

HEALY (V.O.)

I don't know. I guess...it just seems that

women today are more impressed by the

mighty buck than by some schmo who spent

the last seventeen years scraping by on

Peace Corp wages.

The girls all seem moved by this.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

Healy is parked out front, the phone in one hand, a SCRIPT in the

other, as he listens to Sully read the following words:

SULLY (V.O.)

But Jesus, Pat, if she's as special as you

say, she's going to want to hear about

the things you did.

HEALY:

(dismissing this)

Ahh.

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - SAME

A disheveled and wired-looking Sully is sitting on the couch in

his underwear READING FROM THE SAME SCRIPT. There's COKE on the

table, DOG SH*T on the floor, and FLIES everywhere.

In the B.G. we see the Great Dane SNIFFING at his empty bowl and

the Boa Constrictor sprawled out on the floor, barely moving.

SULLY:

(reading)

Come on, you could tell her about the

irrigation ditches you dug in Sudan, the

orphan babies who cried in your arms in

Romania...

(does a line of blow)

...the hope you gave Freddie the leper in

Calcutta...

Suddenly the dog snatches the page out of his hand and STARTS TO

EAT IT.

BACK ON Mary and friends.

JOANNIE:

(welling up)

I love this man.

Magda folds her arms and gloats.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

HEALY:

Look, I did all those things for myself.

I'll be honest with you, I'm a selfish

prick. I get a high from helping all of

God's creatures. An honest to goodness

high.

Just then, Healy sees a bug on the car window and instinctively

squashes it.

ON SULLY - he has the phone wedged between his cheek and

shoulder as he STRUGGLES with the dog to get the script.

Sully still can't retrieve the script, nor his next line.

SULLY:

(winging it)

That's bullshit, man you, uh, you were on

the front line. Remember the, uh,

malaria the, uh, typhoon fever that

vicious strain of genital herpes?

ON MARY AND FRIENDS - they flinch at this.

ON HEALY - he stares at the phone, horrified.

HEALY (V.O.)

Uh, sure. I cured a lot of nasty

illnesses in third-world countries.

ON MARY AND FRIENDS - as they let out a sigh.

HEALY (V.O.) (cont'd)

The bottom line is, I'm not going to use my

philanthropy as some form of

currency...especially after what I did.

(SIGHS)

I lied to this poor girl. Lied. man. She

deserved better.

SULLY (V.O.)

Hey, love will make you do f***ed-up

things.

HEALY (V.O.)

You said it, mister.

(choking up)

I gotta go.

ON SULLY - as he HANGS UP the phone and does another line, we

PAN TO the Great Dane Hal as he looks around for something,

anything to eat. He SNIFFS at a sock, then a beer bottle, before

finally setting his sights on the Boa Constrictor Bill. Bill

glances the dog's way nervously, SENSES TROUBLE, and wiggles his

way into another room. As Hal TAKES OFF after the snake, we

CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S HALLWAY - NIGHT

Healy starts to knock on Mary's door, but, before he can, the door

suddenly swings open revealing a beaming Mary.

HEALY:

(startled)

Oh Mary. Look, there's something I have

to tell you. I'm not

Before he can finish, Mary steps forward and their mouths meet in

a passionate KISS.

DISSOLVE TO:

MONTAGE OF MARY AND HEALY COURTING

--As Mary watches, Healy plays TOUCH FOOTBALL with Warren and a

few of his friends. Healy catches a pass then, trying a little too

hard to impress Mary, he delivers a forearm shiver to his defender

and gives Warren a vicious STRAIGHT-ARM. When Healy gets into the

end zone he spikes the ball and starts talking trash to another

defender.

--Healy shows up at Mary's door sporting a set of OVERSIZED

INCREDIBLY-WHITE CAPPED TEETH. He gives her a big horse smile and

she reacts uncertainly.

--Healy is in Mary's apartment as Mary finishes dressing for a

night on the town.

MARY:

All set.

HEALY:

You look great.

(beat)

Hey, Mare, do I have a rip in the back of

these pants?

When she puts her head close to inspect his pants, he lets fly a

THUNDEROUS FART. She pulls her head away, repulsed, but Healy just

LAUGHS.

--Mary and and the horse-toothed Healy are having dinner in a

romantic restaurant. As he eats he tells an animated story but

he's having trouble with the new choppers and chunks of food are

spraying out of his mouth with every word. Mary has to BOB AND

WEAVE to avoid being covered with debris.

--Healy and Warren are playing monopoly. When Warren isn't

looking, Healy cheats and puts a couple hotels on Boardwalk. In

the b.g. we see one of Warren's buddies fall out of a palm tree.

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