There's Something About Mary Page #20

Mary looks like she's going to throw up.

ON HEALY - he listens intently, his face ashen.

MARY (V.O.)

Holy sh*t...

MAGDA (V.O.)

Puffy, get over here.

We hear the PITTER-PATTER of the dog's nails on the floor, then a

LOUD THUMP followed by a YELP.

ON MARY:

MARY:

Magda!

MAGDA:

The little sh*t lied to me about that guy!

Mary picks up the startled dog and pets him.

MARY:

(growing emotional)

I can't believe this is happening. I'm

supposed to be meeting him in an hour.

TUCKER:

Okay, just calm down. It's going to be

okay.

Tucker puts his arms around her.

MAGDA:

Why you two never hooked up is beyond me.

Mary looks fondly at Tucker.

MARY:

Magda's right, I'm so lucky to have you in

my life.

TUCKER:

Don't get all gooey on me now, you'll give

me a big head.

(smiles)

The important thing, Doctor, is you've got

to distance yourself as much as possible

without pissing this psycho off.

MARY:

Yeah, yeah. Okay, I think I know what to

do. I'll call him right now.

BACK ON HEALY - he looks stunned. His cellular PHONE RINGS. He

stares at it, then picks it up.

HEALY:

Hi, I'm out drinking champagne and

roses...and I'm really happy. Leave a

message. BEEP.

MARY (V.O.)

(nervous)

Uh, hey buddy. Oh boy, am I pissed. You're

not going to believe this--well, you'll

believe it, there's no reason not to--but I

just got beeped for emergency surgery.

Well, um, sorry, but I'm going to have to

bail on you.

As we hear a CLICK, Healy stares at the cell phone, seething.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER

Tucker comes out the front door, looks around, then walks off down

the sidewalk.

ANGLE ACROSS THE STREET - on Healy, his steely gaze fixed on

Tucker.

HEALY:

(under breath)

You're gonna pay, f***er.

Healy discreetly pulls out and slowly follows Tucker in his car.

BACK ON TUCKER - He continues down the sidewalk, looking back

once or twice, apprehensive. He rounds a corner, then stops next

to an OLD FORD PINTO. He looks around nervously again. Then Tucker

DUCKS INTO THE DRIVER'S SEAT and DRIVES OFF. Healy pulls into

traffic and follows.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Dom's mixing a drink while Ted paces nervously.

TED:

Oh God, I'm f***ing nervous. I don't know

if I'm ready for this, man.

DOM:

Just relax. Have you hit the cash machine?

TED:

(pats his back pocket)

Got cash.

DOM:

Car clean? Plenty of gas?

TED:

Check.

DOM:

Mints?

TED:

Copped a tin of Altoids at the car wash.

Dom nods, satisfied.

DOM:

Okay, sounds like you're all set. Just

clean the pipes and it's a go.

TED:

Hm?

DOM:

You know, clean the pipes.

TED:

Pipes? What are you talking about?

DOM:

You jerk off before all big dates, right?

Tell me you jerk off before your big dates.

Ted just stares at him.

DOM (cont'd)

(incredulous)

You don't jerk off before--?! Are you

crazy?! That's like going out there with a

loaded gun. No wonder you're nervous!

Ted considers this.

DOM (cont'd)

Think about it:
After you've had sex with a

girl and the two of you are laying in bed,

are you nervous?

TED:

No.

Dom shrugs...Duh.

DOM:

Why's that?

TED:

I'm usually too tired to be.

Dom makes a game-show BUZZER sound.

DOM:

Wrong. It's because you ain't got the baby

batter in your brain any more. That'll f***

with your head, that stuff will.

TED:

(starting to believe)

Huh.

DOM:

The most honest moment in a man's life is

the five minutes after he's blown a load.

That's a medical fact. And it's because

you're no longer trying to get laid. You're

actually thinking like a girl. They love

that.

TED:

Jesus Christ you're right.

DOM:

You bet your ass I'm right. You don't go

out with a loaded gun, you empty the

barrels!

TED:

(shakes his head)

Holy sh*t, I've been going out with a

loaded gun!

DOM:

People get hurt that way.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - EVENING

Dom walks out of the lobby just as another cab arrives and Mary

gets out. He sees and her and ducks behind a bush as she walks

past him.

INT. TED'S HOTEL BATHROOM - SAME

Ted has a newspaper splayed out on the counter (open to the bra

ads) as he furiously FLOGS THE DOLPHIN (chest-high side view.) We

see some balled-up tissue nearby. After several frantic strokes,

he takes a deep breath and slowly and loudly EXHALES, clearly

having COMPLETED HIS MISSION.

He draws a few more breaths, picks up a face cloth, and goes to

clean up.

But something's missing: The Load. Ted looks down, checks his

hands, pants, shoes, looks in the sink, finally glances at the

ceiling, with no luck.

The Load IS MISSING!!!!

That's when the doorbell RINGS. Ted couldn't look more HORRIFIED.

As he buckles his pants, he makes a last, panicky reconnaissance

of the area. The doorbell RINGS AGAIN and Ted reluctantly goes to

answer it.

INT. TED'S HOTEL ROOM - SAME

Ted opens the door and Mary is standing there looking as lovely as

ever.

TED:

Hey.

MARY:

Hi, Ted.

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