There's Something About Mary Page #21

TED:

You look great.

MARY:

Thanks.

She notices something.

MARY (cont'd)

What's that?

TED:

Hm?

MARY:

On your ear, you've got something.

MARY'S POV - a HUGE LOAD is hanging off of Ted's earlobe like a

drop earring.

MARY (cont'd)

It looks like a gob of...

Mary leans forward for a closer look. Ted is terrified.

MARY (cont'd)

(making face)

Is that....hair gel?

BEAT.

TED:

Sure.

MARY:

Oh great, I ran out.

Before Ted can stop her, Mary grabs The Load off his ear and WIPES

IT IN HER BANGS.

CUT TO:

EXT. UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

Healy is still following Tucker in his car. Finally Tucker stops

in front of a lavish Victorian home and gets out carrying a pizza

and wearing a PIZZA DELIVERY HAT.

Healy SCREECHES to a sideways stop, jumps out and POUNCES ON HIM.

HEALY (cont'd)

You motherf***er, you're a dead man!

Tucker drops the pizza as Healy SLAMS HIM into a tree.

TUCKER:

(cowering)

Okay, Pat, take it easy--don't do anything

stupid.

HEALY:

Who the f*** do you think you are making up

that bullshit about me?!

Healy SLAMS HIM AGAINST THE TREE AGAIN.

TUCKER:

Whoa, whoa--I don't know what you're talking

about.

HEALY:

Maybe this'll jog your memory.

Healy SLAPS him across the face.

HEALY (cont'd)

I'll give you a hint--it's got something to

do with me being a murderer.

Healy raises his arm again and Tucker tries to shield himself.

TUCKER:

Okay, okay, I might've gotten some bad

information.

Healy grabs him by the collar.

HEALY:

That stalker Ted got to you, right? You're

working for him, aren't you, you little

sh*t?

TUCKER:

Who?

Healy throws Tucker to the ground and takes off his sport coat.

HEALY:

This is your last chance, you f***. Now

either you come clean or I'm going to kick

your ass from here to Tallahassee.

Healy grabs Tucker by the hair and c*cks his arm.

TUCKER:

I LOVE HER, OKAY?!

Tucker suddenly gets emotional. Healy stops and looks at him.

HEALY:

You what?

TUCKER:

You heard me, goddamnit. I...I love her.

Healy slowly lets go.

TUCKER (cont'd)

I'm a phony--just like you, man.

HEALY:

What do you mean?

TUCKER:

I mean I'm a f***ing fraud. I'm no

architect. Don't be a putz--who's been to

Santiago twice in a year?

(scoffing)

Estadio Olimpico--please!

HEALY:

But...but you knew people at Harvard.

TUCKER:

I knew sh*t. The only thing I knew was that

you were a fake and I made up everything

else.

(sighs)

My real name's Norm. I deliver pizzas.

HEALY:

Bullshit!

Tucker rolls his eyes and pulls out his PIZZA DELIVERY BADGE, with

him pictured beside the name Norman Plante. As Healy let's this

sink in, we

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Ted's rolling a little wine around in a glass. He takes a sip,

nods his approval.

TED:

Thanks, that's great.

The WAITER turns to Mary.

WAITER:

Madame?

ANGLE ON MARY - The light, puffy bangs that Mary started the

night with are gone, replaced by a glazed, ACE VENTURA-STYLE WAVE

up front.

MARY:

Thank you.

The waiter pours her a glass and leaves.

TED:

Now by killer, you mean...?

MARY:

I mean he murdered someone and did time

back in Boston. The guy's a freak.

TED:

(stunned)

Jeez, Mary...I'm...

MARY:

Well, lucky for me I found out. Thank God I

have friends like Tucker.

(beat)

Look, I'm sick of talking about stalkers.

(big smile)

Let's talk about you.

CUT TO:

INT. ANOTHER BAR - NIGHT

Healy and Tucker are bonding over a beer.

TUCKER:

...So then in '94 I went back to Dade

Community College for a semester and when

the Wal-Mart cashier job fell through I

hooked up with the Pizza Barn.

HEALY:

And you met Mary how?

TUCKER:

Just dumb luck. I delivered a pie to her

one night and she answered the door in her

nightgown--that was it for me. I went home

that night, shaved my beard, and a week

later I was laid out in her office with a

broken back.

HEALY:

How'd you manage that one?

TUCKER:

(matter-of-factly)

Friend. Baseball bat.

HEALY:

Nice.

TUCKER:

Oh yeah, the plan was going along just fine

until you showed up.

HEALY:

Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the one who started

telling bald-faced lies about the

competition--that's crossing the line!

TUCKER:

What line? The day you first laid your oily

rap on my future wife you started a war!

HEALY:

Future wife? Get real, man--you're

nothing more than a glorified brother in

her eyes.

TUCKER:

Why you son of a--

Tucker grabs Healy by the jacket.

HEALY:

Okay, calm down, calm down--the bottom line

is neither of us are going to get her if we

don't do something about that headcase

she's with now.

As Tucker slowly releases him, we

CUT TO:

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - NIGHT

Ted and Mary are eating CORNDOGS at the snack bar.

MARY:

You hit the ball pretty good for a

fourteen.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote