There's Something About Mary Page #3

MARY:

Warren!!!

Ted HITS HIS HEAD on the coffee table.

ON THE BASEBALL - as it rolls under the couch, stopping right

next to the OTHER MISSING BALL.

BACK TO SCENE - In a split second, Warren is up like a cat and

DIVES ONTO TED. As MARY AND HER PARENTS SCREAM, Ted manages to

free himself from the disabled man's clutches and GETS WARREN IN A

HEADLOCK.

MARY'S DAD

(to Ted)

What the hell are you doing?!

MARY'S MOM

Teddy, let him go!

TED:

(out of breath)

I'm trying...tell him to...calm down.

The family jumps on Warren and finally break it up.

MARY'S DAD (cont'd)

(to Ted)

Jesus Christ, guy, what the hell were you

doing?!

TED:

I was playing a trick. I-I-I had a

baseball.

MARY'S MOM

What baseball? Where's a baseball?

Ted looks around but there's no ball in sight.

TED:

There was a ball I had a honest.

As Mary helps Ted up, we see that his shirttail is out and his tie

is hanging off. Mary's parents lead the frothing Warren back to

the couch.

MARY (to Ted)

I'm sorry. I should've told you, he's got a

thing about his ears.

TED:

Oh. Okay. I gotcha.

MARY:

Are you all right?

TED:

Oh yeah.

MARY'S MOM

(to Mary)

Honey, now you're all wrinkled.

Mary looks down and frowns.

MARY:

Ted, will you just give me one more minute?

I have to iron this thing.

Ted starts to tuck his pants in as Mary and her mother head back

up the stairs. Mary's Dad and Ted are left alone. And Warren.

Ted rubs his head, sees a spot of blood.

TED:

(to Mary's Dad)

May I use your bathroom?

INT. BATHROOM - TWILIGHT

Ted dabs his head with a tissue, then moves to the toilet. As he

TAKES A LEAK he glances out the window to his left.

TED'S POV - two LOVEBIRDS are perched on a branch.

Ted smiles...

...at the SOUND of these beautiful tweeties singing their love

song for themselves, for the spring, for Ted and Mary, and

suddenly they fly away and we...

SNAP FOCUS:

...to reveal Mary in the bedroom window DIRECTLY BEHIND WHERE THE

BIRDS WERE, in just a bra and panties, and just then her mother

glances Ted's way and MAKES EYE-CONTACT with what she can only

presume to be a leering Peeping Tom.

ON TED...

...he loses the smile and ducks his head back into the bathroom,

HORRIFIED.

PANICKING NOW, he hastily zips up his fly and

TED:

YEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

TED GETS HIS DICK STUCK IN THE ZIPPER!

CUT TO:

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - NIGHT

A concerned Mary, her Mom, Dad, and Warren are huddled outside the

bathroom.

MARY:

(knocking gently)

Ted, are you okay?

TED (O.S.)

(pained)

Just a minute.

MARY'S MOM

He's been in there over half an hour.

(whispering)

Charlie, I think he's masturbating.

MARY:

Mom!

MARY'S MOM

Well he was watching you undress with a

silly grin on his face.

TED (O.S.)

(pained)

I was watching the birds!

They all look at one another.

MARY'S MOM

Charlie, do something.

MARY'S DAD

All right, kid, that's it, I'm coming in.

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

A whimpering Ted huddles in the corner as Mary's Dad enters.

MARY'S DAD (cont'd)

What seems to be the situation here? You

sh*t yourself or something?

TED:

I wish.

Ted motions for him to close the door and Mary's Dad obliges.

TED (cont'd)

I, uh...I got it stuck.

MARY'S DAD

You got what stuck?

TED:

It.

MARY'S DAD

It?

(beat)

Oh it. All right, these things happen,

let me have a look. It's not the end of the

world.

Mary's Dad moves closer and puts his reading glasses on.

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS

As Mary, her Mom, and Warren listen in...

MARY'S DAD (O.S.)

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

TED (O.S.)

Shhhhhh!

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

MARY'S DAD

(CALLS OUT)

Shirley, get in here! You gotta see this!

TED:

What?! No please, sir--

MARY'S DAD

She's a dental hygienist. She'll know what

to do.

Mary's Mom comes in and closes the door behind her.

MARY'S MOM

Teddy, hon, are you okay?

(moving closer, seeing the situation)

OH HEAVENS TO PETE!

TED:

Would you shhh! Mary's gonna hear us.

MARY'S MOM

Just relax, dear. Now, um...what exactly

are we looking at here?

TED:

(dizzy)

What do you mean?

MARY'S MOM

(delicate)

I mean is it...is it...?

MARY'S DAD

(gruff)

Is it the frank or the beans?

TED:

I think a little of both.

Suddenly we hear Warren from outside the door:

WARREN (O.S.)

Franks and beans!

Ted hangs his head.

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS

Mary and Warren are huddled outside the door.

MARY:

(to Warren)

Shhhh.

MARY'S DAD (O.S.)

What the hell's that bubble?

Mary REACTS to this.

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

TED:

One guess.

MARY'S DAD

How the hell'd you get the beans all the

way up top like that?

TED:

I don't know. It's not like it was a well

thought-out plan.

MARY'S MOM

Oh my, there sure is a lot of skin coming

through there.

MARY'S DAD

I'm guessing that's what the soprano shriek

was about, pumpkin.

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