There's Something About Mary Page #4

MARY'S MOM

I'm going to get some Bactine.

TED:

No, please!

Suddenly a POLICE OFFICER sticks his head in the bathroom window.

POLICE OFFICER:

Ho there.

TED:

(humiliated)

Oh God.

POLICE OFFICER:

Everything okay here? Neighbors said they

heard a lady scream.

MARY'S DAD

You're looking at him. C'mere and take a

look at this beauty.

TED:

No, that's really unneces--

But the Officer's already climbing in the window. Once inside, he

turns his flashlight on Ted and WHISTLES.

POLICE OFFICER:

Now I've seen it all. What the hell were

you thinking?

TED:

(frustrated)

I wasn't trying--

POLICE OFFICER:

Is that bubble what I think it is?

Mary's parents nod.

POLICE OFFICER (cont'd)

But...how...how'd you get the zipper all

the way to the top?

MARY'S DAD

Let's just say the kid's limber.

The Officer makes a face, then rolls up his sleeves.

POLICE OFFICER:

Well, there's only one thing to do.

TED:

No, no, no, I'll be fine. I'll just hang my

shirttail out and work on it in the

morning.

POLICE OFFICER:

Look, son, this'll only hurt for a second.

The Officer reaches down and takes hold of the zipper.

TED:

No, no, please!

MARY'S MOM

Teddy, be brave.

WARREN (O.S.)

Beans and franks!

MARY (O.S.)

Warren, shhh.

Defeated, Ted holds his breath and braces for the worst.

POLICE OFFICER:

It's just like pulling off a Band-aid.

A-one and a-two and...

CUT TO:

PARAMEDIC:

We got a bleeder!

EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

TWO PARAMEDICS rush Ted out the front door on a stretcher. Mary

runs alongside him holding a towel on his crotch. while a THIRD

PARAMEDIC dabs at his crotch with a towel. Mary's Mom and Dad are

out front along with two FIRETRUCKS, four POLICE CARS, and a crowd

of about thirty NEIGHBORS.

PARAMEDIC:

(to Mary)

Keep pressure on it!

Mary does as she's told.

MARY:

(running along)

Ted, I'm so sorry. Are you going to be

okay?

TED:

(irrational cockiness)

You betcha!

He gives her two thumbs up as they slide him into the ambulance.

INT. AMBULANCE - CONTINUOUS

The doors SLAM shut and as the ambulance pulls away Ted starts to

WHIMPER and we can see Mary fade into the night, as we

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - PRESENT DAY

Ted, now in his 30's, lays on his therapist's couch.

TED:

...Anyway, school ended a few days later

and that July her father got transferred to

Florida.

The CAMERA PANS up to reveal that the CHAIR BEHIND HIM IS EMPTY.

Ted has been telling all this to no one.

TED (cont'd)

It took me half the summer to pay off all

those bets.

(sighs)

I never did see Mary again. That was about

twelve years ago.

Just then the door quietly opens and Ted's PSYCHIATRIST tip-toes

back into the room and takes his seat. (He has a dab of mustard on

his chin and has forgotten about the cloth napkin tucked into his

collar.)

PSYCHIATRIST:

Uh-huh. Interesting.

The Psychiatrist notices the napkin and quickly wipes his chin,

then tosses it aside.

TED:

Anyway, it's not something you exactly

forget about, but I guess I must've blocked

it out of my head. Then about a week ago

I'm driving on the highway and I got to

thinking about Mary and suddenly I couldn't

breathe...I couldn't keep up with the flow

of traffic anymore I felt like I was

going to die. I pulled into a rest area,

parked the car, and just started shaking.

The Psychiatrist scratches his chin.

PSYCHIATRIST:

You know...rest areas are homosexual

hang-outs.

TED:

Huh?

PSYCHIATRIST:

Highway rest areas--they're the bathhouses

of the nineties for some gay men.

Ted thinks about this, then glances back at the shrink.

TED:

What are you saying?

PSYCHIATRIST:

(checking wristwatch)

Oops, time's up. We'll have to delve into

that next week.

Off Ted's look, we

CUT TO:

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - DAY

Ted and his friend DOM are blasting a couple buckets.

DOM:

Gay? He said you were gay?

TED:

He implied it.

DOM:

Well you're a writer, and a lot of

writers are gay. Look at Truman Capote.

TED:

Yeah, but he was successful.

DOM:

Let me ask you this: When you smoke a

cigar, do you ever pretend it has balls?

Ted appears to think about this.

TED:

Come on, that wouldn't make me gay.

DOM:

I'm going to fix you up with my new

assistant.

TED:

What's he like?

Dom LAUGHS, then watches as Ted hits a ball.

DOM:

You're leaving it out. Finish your swing.

(beat)

You're going to like this one--she's half

Asian, half American.

TED:

Good-looking?

DOM:

I just told you, she's half Asian. half

American. They're all good looking. You

could mate Don Rickles and Yoko Ono and

they're going to have a gorgeous kid. It's

a foolproof combo.

Ted thinks about it.

TED:

What's the point? Let's face it, Dom, I'm

in a slump.

(SIGHS)

Lately I've been feeling like...well...like

a loser.

DOM:

Loser? You?

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