There's Something About Mary Page #5

Ted shrugs.

DOM (cont'd)

Give me a break. Remember five years ago,

when your kidneys failed? If you were a

loser would they have been able to find a

donor with an exact tissue match? What are

the odds of that, one in a million?

TED:

Oh, so I'm lucky because my brother got

killed in an explosion?

DOM:

I never said that. I'm saying your lucky

those kids found his kidneys.

(beat)

Besides, your brother Jimmy never gave a

sh*t about you.

Ted gives him a look.

DOM (cont'd)

You know, you're a real glass-is-half-empty

guy. You got a f***ing guardian angel, man.

Ted manages a small smile. Just then, Ted's cell phone RINGS.

TED:

I gotta take this, it might be my boss.

(flips phone open)

Ted here.

GARBLED VOICE:

(on phone)

You're a cocksucking motherfucking piece of

puke!

Whoever it is HANGS UP. Without reacting, Ted closes the phone and

puts it back in his pocket.

TED:

Yep.

EXT. DOM'S HOUSE - DAY

Dom and Ted are drinking beer while sitting on Dom's front steps.

We see signs of kids everywhere: a tricycle, six-foot basketball

hoop, dolls, etc.

DOM'S WIFE comes out and hands them each a cigar.

DOM'S WIFE

I thought you guys might like these with

your beers.

DOM:

Thanks, baby.

She goes back inside.

TED:

See, that's what I want. I don't need these

bimbettes you got me chasing. I want what

you have. A family....Someone to...you

know...love.

These guys don't usually talk about this crap, and Ted gets a

little embarrassed.

TED (cont'd)

It must be great with a wife like that.

DOM:

Each day is better than the next.

(beat)

Have you ever been, you know...in love with

someone?

TED:

Nah.

DOM:

Never?

TED:

Well once. Mary.

Dom SIGHS.

DOM:

Mary again.

TED:

Look, I admit it was brief, but it was

definitely love. Crushes don't last twelve

years.

DOM:

Whatever happened to Mary?

TED:

I told you, her family moved to Miami.

DOM:

I mean since then.

TED:

I don't know.

DOM:

Well why don't you look her up?

TED:

(sarcastic)

Yeah, right.

DOM:

Why not?

TED:

Because I guarantee she's married and has a

couple kids. Girls like Mary don't stay

single.

DOM:

What if you're wrong? You just said she's

the only girl you ever loved, what have you

got to lose by calling her?

TED:

I did try calling her.

(sheepish)

A few years ago. She wasn't listed.

DOM:

So that was it? One bump in the road and

you gave up?

TED:

I also called Unsolved Mysteries.

DOM:

You're kidding? What did they say?

TED:

They told me they don't help out stalkers.

(beat)

Look, maybe they're right, it's been a long

time.

DOM:

I got it--you hire a private eye, fly him

out there, he follows her around a couple

days, she'll never know a thing.

Ted considers this.

TED:

No. No f***ing way. That's too creepy.

Dom thinks a moment, then SNAPS his fingers.

DOM:

Wait a second. There's a guy named Healy in

my office who might be able to help you

out. He's a claims investigator and he goes

to Miami every couple weeks.

As Ted thinks about this, we

CUT TO:

ESTABLISHING SHOT of a big insurance company - MORNING

INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - HALLWAY - MORNING

Ted and Dom are walking down a hallway.

TED:

I don't know about this, Dom.

DOM:

Relax, this guy owes me a big one. A couple

years ago he got in a jam up in the Boston

office; some bullshit about padding his

resume--like we haven't all done that.

Anyway, they were going to let him go but

his mother wrote a tear-jerker letter that

ended up on my desk.

TED:

His mother?

DOM:

Yeah, I guess he still lives with her.

Seemed like a sweet lady--got diabetes or

something--so I went out on a limb and got

him transferred down to Providence.

TED:

And you think he could find out her number

for me?

DOM:

He'll do better than that. I'll send him

down to Miami on business, you throw him a

couple bucks on the side, and he'll track

her down.

Ted thinks about this.

DOM (cont'd)

Just let me warn you--This guy runs a

little hot, but he gets the job done.

CUT TO:

INT. HEALY'S CUBICLE - MORNING

Ted is seated inside a small cubicle across the desk from PATRICK

HEALY, a shaggy-looking guy in a mis-matched three-piece suit.

Healy looks more like a used-car salesman than an insurance

investigator.

HEALY:

So, Dom tells me you're looking for some

lady-friend you knew in high school.

TED:

Uh-huh.

HEALY:

Any idea where I might start looking?

TED:

She moved to Miami Beach twelve years ago.

I checked directory assistance down there

and she's not listed. She might've moved

ten times since then.

HEALY:

(skeptical)

All you want is a phone number?

TED:

Well, I know you're busy

HEALY:

Don't play games with me, Ted.

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