There's Something About Mary Page #7

Suddenly MUSIC explodes through his headphones--Healy's jolted

awake. Who threw the grenade? Recovering, Healy aims the

binoculars toward...

HEALY'S POV - MARY'S APARTMENT ACROSS THE STREET

Healy has a clear, unobstructed view into Mary's apartment. The

music is coming from Mary's clock radio. MARY sits up in bed and

shakes herself awake, like someone's just poured cold water over

her. She cranks the music even LOUDER. Mary hops out of bed,

wearing only her panties, and though she's a little older now, she

still looks well cast.

CLOSE UP - ON HEALY - he's become extremely interested in his

work. As much as Healy's enjoying the show, he's got a job to

do--he speaks into a MICRO-CASSETTE RECORDER:

HEALY:

(into recorder)

Okay, Ted, I found your Mary. Her current

address, two-niner-eight Euclid Avenue,

Miami Beach. Husband, negative. Children

and Labrador, negative. Extremely nice ass,

affirmative.

INT. MARY'S APT. - DAY

Mary walks into the living room where we see an old woman, MAGDA,

sitting on the couch LISTENING to a stack of RADIO SCANNERS.

MARY:

Have you been up all night again?

MAGDA:

Bet your ass I have. It's an important job,

Neighborhood Watch is.

MARY:

Neighborhood Watch? Is that what you call

listening in on stranger's phone

conversations?

MAGDA:

These ain't strangers, they're neighbors.

This only picks up signals in a half-mile

radius.

MARY:

Meaning?

MAGDA:

Meaning these are the people you live

amongst, you got a right to know if they're

creeps. For instance, did you know there's

a guy down the hall cheating on his wife?

MARY:

(feigning shock)

You picked that up on the scanner. We gotta

move.

MAGDA:

I confirmed it on the scanner. I knew

something was up because Puffy used to bark

like hell whenever he saw him and you know

Puffy only barks at bad people.

Magda pats her little dog PUFFY on the head.

MARY:

Magda, Puffy barks at everybody.

MAGDA:

That's because there's a lot of bad people

out there. Hey, Puffy tried to warn you

about that Steve guy you was seeing--he was

a f***ing asswipe--but you had to find out

for yourself, didn't you?

MARY:

Okay, you win. Now try to get some sleep,

huh.

Mary gives Magda a kiss and heads to her bedroom.

CUT TO:

MUSIC MONTAGE - as Healy follows Mary around town.

EXT. EUCLID AVENUE - MORNING

Mary exits her apartment and bounces out into the world. There is

a HOMELESS MAN sitting on the sidewalk. Mary flips him an apple,

then jumps in her Honda Civic and drives off.

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - MORNING

Mary is at the range HITTING a couple buckets of balls.

ON HEALY - watching from the parking lot.

HEALY:

(into mic)

Looks like we got an athlete on our hands.

EXT. MACDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU WINDOW - MORNING

Mary waits in the drive-thru lane reading the SPORTS PAGE. Finally

the window opens and she is handed a HUGE BAG OF FOOD.

PAN TO Healy watching from his car.

HEALY:

(into mic)

Well, from her figure and her appetite, I'm

guessing she's either got a bowel disorder

or we've got a hurler on our hands.

EXT. SPECIAL ED. CENTER - MORNING

Mary's brother Warren is wearing a walkman as he plays catch out

front with a SPECIAL ED TEACHER while several other

MENTALLY-DISABLED PATIENTS entertain themselves.

Mary pulls up, gets out, and starts handing out Egg McMuffins.

MARY:

Get in line. One at a time.

A fat patient, GARY, approaches.

GARY:

Can I have two, Mary?

MARY:

Yeah, you can have two halves, just like

everyone else.

GARY:

Thanks.

Gary takes his and walks off. A couple more patients and then

bucktoothed FREDDIE steps up to her.

FREDDIE:

Will you marry me, Mary?

MARY:

Oh yeah, pretty boy? And what about

Dolores?

Mary points to another PATIENT staring bashfully at Freddie.

FREDDIE:

Would you marry us both, Mary?

MARY:

Yeah, that'd be a good deal for you,

wouldn't it?

Freddie moves off and fat Gary is back, trying to be

inconspicuous.

MARY (cont'd)

Wow, this is weird. There was somebody who

looked just like you here a minute ago.

Mary smiles and hands Gary another McMuffin.

CLOSE ON Healy.

HEALY:

(into mic)

Ixnay on the big appetite.

(beat)

She's just got a big heart.

EXT. BEACH BAR - DAY

Neighborhood restaurant and bar. After-work crowd. Mary and her

friends, BRENDA, LISA, and JOANIE are sitting at a table under an

umbrella. Lisa reads from the PERSONALS COLUMN in South Beach

Magazine.

LISA:

Listen to this one--'Seeking sensitive Wasp

doctor to share candlelit dinners, long

walks in Coconut Grove, marriage.'

BRENDA:

What does this girl want, a corpse? You

gotta be more specific: 'Seeking deaf mute

with three pound cock and trust fund.'

JOANIE:

No, it should be 'a hockey player with

great pecs.'

MARY:

Ugh, not pecs. Sounds like one of those

guys with a fish-net shirt and a banana

hammock.

PAN TO the bar where we see Healy eavesdropping on their

conversation.

BRENDA (O.S.)

(to Mary)

I suppose you wouldn't like someone with a

washboard stomach like Brad Pitt?

BACK ON Mary and friends.

MARY:

I'm just saying I don't mind a guy with a

bit of a beer belly. It means he's a guy.

You can have those pretty boys who hang out

in a gym all day staring at their

reflections.

ON HEALY:

HEALY:

(quietly into mic)

A girl after your own heart, Ted.

BACK ON Mary and friends.

JOANIE:

I can live with those reflections.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote