There's Something About Mary Page #8

MARY:

I'm sick of these calorie-countin' pansies.

Give me a guy who likes kielbasa and beer

and playing thirty-six holes and still has

enough energy to take me and Warren out to

a ballgame.

JOANIE:

(sarcastic)

Jeez, I don't know where you're ever going

to find a guy like that.

MARY:

But here's the rub. The guy I'm talking

about has got to be self-employed.

LISA:

You mean, like an architect or something?

MARY:

Architect, yeah.

BRENDA You mean creative, but not poor.

MARY:

No, it's not the money. Creative, yeah,

that's good, but it's the freedom I'm

talking about. See, this guy has to have a

job he could do anywhere. That way we could

just up and leave at the drop of a hat.

LISA:

And where would you and your beer-bellied

architect be leaving to?

MARY:

I don't know. The Super Bowl, New Orleans

Jazz Festival...maybe a couple months in

Nepal.

JOANIE:

Yeah, and you'd probably dump the poor guy

halfway to Katmandu.

MARY:

What's that supposed to mean?

JOANIE:

It means you're too hard on guys.

MARY:

No I'm not.

JOANIE:

Oh come off it, Mare. What about

what's-his-name...Steverino? You could've

at least passed the baton on that one.

The girls LAUGH.

MARY:

Yeah, Steve. Steve was all right for

awhile.

JOANIE:

All right for awhile? The guy's

good-looking, rich, witty. He was a god.

LISA:

At one point you were talking about

marrying him. Come on, why'd you dump him?

Mary thinks about this.

MARY:

I don't know, it was complicated. He's in

San Francisco, I'm in Miami.

(dodging question)

Besides, Magda's psychic dog hated him.

JOANIE:

Is that old crab still with you? Mary, you

said you were putting her up for a

month--it's been a year and a half.

MARY:

Ah, she's okay.

LISA:

Mary, cut the crap, what really happened

with Steve?

MARY:

Nothing. I mean, you know my brother.

(sighs)

Warren.

JOANIE:

What? Steve seemed to put up with Warren.

MARY:

I don't want someone who'll put up with

him. I want someone who will enjoy him, the

way I do. Do you know what he told my

friend Tucker? He said he would've popped

the question a lot earlier if Warren wasn't

in my life.

(beat)

Well he is in my life and I'm goddamn

lucky to have him. The hell with Steve.

Everyone is touched by this. Then:

BRENDA:

Well, that's the last time I blow him

behind your back.

As the girls LAUGH, we

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Healy sits out front in his car again waiting for Mary to get

home. He picks up the phone, dials a number, and someone answers

but doesn't speak.

HEALY:

Hello...? Sully...?

(beat)

Sully, that you?

SULLY (V.O.)

(over phone)

Who the f*** is it to you?

HEALY:

Sully, it's Healy. What's going on over

there?

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Sully is sitting on the kitchen floor in his police uniform, a

ring of white around his nostrils. The room is littered with beer

cans, he has another one in his hand, there's a pile of cocaine

and a rolled-up bill on the breakfast table. The dog and the snake

are in the doorway looking at him with concern.

SULLY:

(into phone, sloshed)

F***in' Patrick Healy, you think your sh*t

don't stink. Well I got news for

you--you're goddamn right it don't! How the

hell are ya?!

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

Healy looks at the phone, concerned.

HEALY:

Uh, I'm fine. Just wanted to let you know

I'll have your car back in a couple hours,

I'm still staking out this girl's

apartment.

SULLY (V.O.)

You found my car?!

Just then Healy notices Mary pull up and park. He slides down in

his seat.

ON MARY - she gets out carrying a bag and approaches the

Homeless Man, who is still sitting on the sidewalk. She hands him

the bag.

HOMELESS MAN:

Thanks, Mary.

MARY:

You watch out for yourself, Herb.

As Mary bounds up the steps of her building, we

HOLD ON the Homeless Man as he happily takes a sandwich and soda

out of the bag.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

As Mary rushes into the apartment, Magda is glued to her radio

scanner, listening intently.

MAGDA:

Jesus, Mary, you gotta hear this--some

cop's staking out this broad's apartment.

MARY:

No time, Magda, my show's starting.

BACK ON HEALY...

... he can hear the conversation through the SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT

pointed at Mary's place.

MAGDA (V.O.)

This is a good one, Mare. Sounds like his

partner's all lubed up.

HEALY:

(quietly into phone)

Call you back.

SULLY:

(over phone)

God, I miss ya, ya f***-

Healy hangs up abruptly.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

MAGDA:

Ah, Christ, I lost 'em.

Mary runs into her bedroom, shuts the door and flips on the tube

just as ESPN Sportscenter's OPENING THEME SONG is playing.

Relieved, Mary lays back on her bed and starts watching.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT

Mary is now watching Andy Griffith while SMOKING A JOINT and

GIGGLING away in bed.

ON HEALY - he's sitting in his car, GIGGLING, too.

HEALY:

F***ing Barney...he never learns...

INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT

As the show's end credits start to WHISTLE AWAY, Mary stands and

starts to UNDRESS for bed.

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