There's Something About Mary Page #9

BACK ON HEALY - he sits up, very interested now.

HEALY:

(into mic)

Here we go, Teddo. Here comes the money

shot.

Healy quickly reaches in the back seat and pulls out a bigger,

MORE POWERFUL PAIR OF BINOCULARS.

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - we're CLOSE ON the wrinkliest,

saggiest, droopiest set of milkbags on the planet.

ON HEALY - he cringes.

HEALY (cont'd)

Oooof. First chink in the armor, Teddy

Boy....

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - He moves his view up from the tits to

reveal...MAGDA UNDRESSING for bed.

ON HEALY - He flinches, sickened by his mistake, then

repositions the binoculars dead left to the next window.

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - moving over to the next window we see...

Mary as she just finishes putting on some sexy t-shirt.

ON HEALY - as he starts to drool.

HEALY (cont'd)

Oh sweet Jesus

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. PROVIDENCE - THE HOT CLUB - DAY

Ted is sitting alone having a beer when a smiling Healy

approaches.

HEALY:

I've got some very, very good news for you,

my friend.

TED:

Really?

(perking up)

Very, very?

Healy sits down and motions for a beer.

HEALY:

I think your life's about to change.

TED:

So you found Mary?

HEALY:

Right there in Liberty City. And you were

right, she's really something.

TED:

(smiles)

So she hasn't changed?

HEALY:

That I couldn't. say. Let me ask you

something:
Was she a little big-boned

in high school?

TED:

No, not at all.

HEALY:

Well she must've packed on a few pounds

over the years.

This doesn't dampen Ted's enthusiasm.

TED:

Mary's a little chubby, huh?

HEALY:

I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a half.

Not bad.

Ted's smile starts to fade.

HEALY (cont'd)

But you know, you sh*t out a bunch of kids,

you're going to put on a few pounds.

TED:

So she's married?

HEALY:

Nope. Never been.

TED:

Huh?

HEALY:

Four kids, three different guys.

TED:

Three different guys?

HEALY:

Well I'm guessing. There's a black kid, two

whites, and a midget.

TED:

Oh my.

HEALY:

Hyperactive little f***ers, too. Tough to

keep up with in a wheelchair, I bet.

TED:

She's in a wheelchair?!

Ted looks completely drained.

HEALY:

Don't look so shocked, it's been a long

time. I bet you've changed a lot over the

last twelve years, haven't you?

TED:

(shrugs)

It's just that...Mary. I wouldn't have

thought...

HEALY:

Anyway, the good news is I have all the

information you need. Got it from her

bookie--nice guy. You should definitely

call her, Ted. I mean she's a real

sparkplug, that one. She seems determined

to get those rugrats off welfare and with

your help I'll bet she does it.

Ted stands and starts moping away.

TED:

Thanks, Healy. Good work.

HEALY:

Ted? Don't you want the name of the

housing project?

TED:

Uh, that's okay.

HEALY:

You sure, big guy? I'll bet she'd love to

hear from you before her mastectomy!

As Ted leaves, Healy puts his feet up on the table and sits back.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

We PAN across the room of unopened boxes to Ted laying awake in

bed. We hear HEAD-BANGER MUSIC coming from the apartment next

door. Finally Ted gets up and walks over to his dresser. As he

flips on a small light we see loose change, a balled-up Kleenex, a

few golf tees, and Ted's wallet. Ted picks up the wallet and opens

it.

TED'S POV - Inside is an an old high school photo of a smiling

Mary.

As Ted looks at it, he can't help but smile, too.

INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY

ON HEALY'S CUBICLE - Healy's taking his last boxload of crap out

of his cubicle when he spots Ted. He tries to duck back in but

Ted sees him. Healy forces a smile as Ted approaches.

TED:

What are you doing?

HEALY:

Oh, uh, I resigned.

Ted picks up a plane ticket off the desk.

TED:

Miami?

HEALY:

Yeah, this insurance business is too slow

for me. I'm going to go down and try my

hand at jai alai.

TED:

Jai alai?

HEALY:

Yeah, I don't know why but I always felt at

home in the fronton.

Healy starts walking out of the office and Ted follows. Healy is

having a hard time looking him in the eye. So he doesn't.

TED:

Look, uh, I've been thinking about

everything you told me.

HEALY:

Good good.

TED:

Well I think you're right, I should look

her up.

HEALY:

Rollerpig? Are you nuts?

TED:

But you said she was a sparkplug...?

HEALY:

I said buttplug. She's heinous.

Ted SIGHS and follows Healy out the front door.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

They walk across the lot toward Healy's car.

TED:

All the same, I still want to call her. I

know it sounds crazy--Mary sure has a lot

of troubles in her life--but, I don't know,

maybe I can help her out.

(sighs)

The poor thing's had it tough--she's in a

wheelchair for Godsakes.

HEALY:

It's a goddamn bunion. It'll heal.

TED:

Oh. I thought

(beat)

That's not it anyway. I know this doesn't

make any sense to you, but I just can't

turn it off that fast. I still feel

something for her.

Healy comes to his car and puts his stuff in the trunk.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote