They're Watching

1

ALEX:
Just go, go!

Sh*t!

(GASPING)

ALEX:
Oh, sh*t.

Oh sh*t.

(PANTING)

ALEX:
Come on, come on,

Sarah, come on.

(PANTING)

This way, this way!

SARAH:
Help us!

MAN:
Wait...

(THUD)

(WINCES)

ALEX:
F***, Sarah...

ALEX:
No, no, no,

no, wait!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR:
Welcome to Moldova.

An affordable gem nestled in

the heart of Eastern Europe

where the old meets

new in surprising ways.

Meet Becky Westlake,

a successful artist

and potter.

After 10 years in the hectic

Los Angeles craft scene,

she is looking for some

Old World inspiration.

BECKY:
Running the

gallery has been great

but I think it's

time for a change.

I wanna slow down,

focus on my life,

my relationship.

My name is Goran Potsnik.

I think people know

who I am, but okay...

Professional soccer player.

What else do you wanna know?

(CHUCKLES)

BECKY:
Goran was cute,

athlete, very different

but, um, actually I think

that's what turned out

to be the nice part,

we're very different.

GORAN:
Well, we meet in,

uh, in Lisbon in, uh...

In a bar and here we are.

BECKY:
A healthy relationship.

NARRATOR:
Becky wants a

house where she can set up

her pottery studio,

with enough room left

over to raise a family.

To find a bargain, Becky

has enlisted the help

of local real estate

broker Vladimir Filat.

Moldova has very

complicated laws

with taxes,

land titles, religious zoning,

and gypsy prohibitions.

Not to worry.

Vladimir is best

broker in Moldova.

NARRATOR:

And as Vladimir says,

"Only broker in Moldova is

best broker in Moldova."

BECKY:
Moldova's beautiful.

It's, um, got a

sense of history.

And I wanna be

a part of that.

NARRATOR:
To find a house

on Becky's limited budget,

Vladimir directs them to

the remote farming hamlet

of Pavlovka.

She'd be trading a modern

city of 8,000,000 people

for a rustic village of 200.

So rustic that the

local legend contends

that there was once

a witch-burning here.

But the people are

much friendlier now.

(EAST EUROPEAN MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR:

A few miles outside of town

is a cottage home right

out of Hansel and Gretel.

Becky may like

Old World charm,

but does she really

know the difference

between rustic and a wreck?

No one has lived

here for long time.

It's very remote, very cheap.

Many opportunities

for improvement.

Well, for the right price,

I don't mind doing the work.

Really? You can't

handle this much work.

This must be the worst

house in Moldova.

Nobody can fix this.

(CHUCKLES) Come.

Bedroom.

It's small.

I guess families were

closer back in the day.

(WATER DRIBBLES)

How 'bout some drinks?

NARRATOR:
The

interior needs some work,

but the bones of this

old house are strong.

(CHUCKLES)

Voila.

BECKY:
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, this is seriously feral.

I see media room.

What is this, an outhouse?

It is, uh, a bread

oven, very traditional.

Oh, God, I could turn this

into a kiln for my pottery.

Yes, this is what

I thought as well.

This is good for

spanking, no?

(CHUCKLES)

(CAT HOWLS)

(SCREAMING)

Oh, what was that?

It's, uh, in Moldova,

good luck.

NARRATOR:
And there's

one last surprise under

the master bedroom.

A cellar with

hidden potential.

This used to be

wine cellar originally,

but I thought maybe,

uh, you want to use

as pottery studio.

Oh, my, I could

entertain down here.

What is this?

It's, uh, a pit for,

uh, stomping grapes.

For making wine.

Hot tub!

Bow chicka bow wow.

Is that... What is that,

a painting?

VLADIMIR:
Perhaps,

artist lived here before.

Much like yourself.

I like it.

I like it all.

You serious?

NARRATOR:
Becky's clearly

taken on a big challenge,

but this artist promises

renovation magic.

After the break, we return

to Pavlovka six months later

to see the transformation.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

SARAH:
What? No!

She actually bought

that place?

This house is a

literal nightmare.

What could she have possibly

done with it in six months?

GREG:
That's what

we're here to find out.

I bet you any money she

hasn't done a goddamn thing.

It happens,

it happens all the time.

(HORN BLARING)

F*** off!

There was this chick in

Portugal, this blonde.

We went back

six months later.

You know, she bought

one of these wrecks.

We go back there

and she has literally

not fixed up

one single thing.

SARAH:
No way!

It was a complete disaster.

She'd not changed one thing

about the place in six months.

GREG:
It was horrible.

So that made for a really

spectacular episode reveal,

I can tell you.

That being said, very nice,

uh, bikini pics on Facebook.

SARAH:
What?

Very nice.

Wait, are you Facebook

friends with the buyers?

(GREG LAUGHING)

Uh, it sometimes

happens, sometimes happens.

Only the chicks, however.

GREG:
How long does it usually

take for them to unfriend you?

Yeah, that's a

very good question.

How 'bout you

unfriend this, dick?

GREG:
Whatever.

Alex, this is a $40,000

camera, man, come on.

ALEX:
Oh, my God,

I'm sure it's fine.

GREG:
I swear to God,

it was like,

Sarah, daggers come

shootin' out of her eyes.

What? Kate seemed nice.

(LAUGHS)

"She seemed nice."

SARAH:
Yes!

Have you actually

met this woman?

SARAH:
Yes.

My Uncle Wallace

introduced me to her

like three years ago.

Okay, see, this

is fascinating.

Speaking of nepotism,

actually,

and on behalf of those who

actually earned their jobs.

What we were wondering was...

GREG:
Not cool, man.

Out of curiosity,

what the starting salary

for the boss's niece is.

GREG:
Alex!

What? Dude.

Be cool, please,

all right?

Don't go all special

forces on me.

We're not

in Afghanistan, man.

SARAH:
Afghanistan...

Greg, did you fight

in Afghanistan?

Uh, no, the only thing

that man shot in Afghanistan

was the news.

What?

Yeah, okay, I'm

goin' on a Doina run.

What was that about?

GREG:
Nothing, I just, uh...

I was an embedded

cameraman in Afghanistan.

It's boring, I just don't

wanna talk about it.

Look at this, unbelievable.

Oh, my gosh.

GREG:
What?

Okay, it's fine.

There's a big bug.

(GREG CHUCKLES)

It's kind of cute,

it's fine.

This seems

dramatically unsafe.

GREG:
Right?

Where's, like, Ralph Nader

when you need him?

Who?

ALEX:
They're

sold out of Doina.

What kind of hick,

backwater gas station

sells out of Doina?

What is the point

of a gas station

if it does not have Doina

is what I wanna know.

How long is it gonna take us

to get to Pavlovka?

GREG:
You in a

hurry or something?

Yeah, doesn't everybody dream

of being a production slave?

GREG:
Swear to God, Kate

is gonna slap that smile

off your face so fast,

you have no idea.

Oh, God, how much

you wanna bet?

Twenty dollars,

she's already pissed

that we're late.

She's not gonna be

pissed at us. She took

an earlier flight.

She can't be mad

at us for that.

You keep tellin' yourself that

while you're cryin' yourself

to sleep at night.

Hold on, guys,

world's biggest pothole.

(CAR RUMBLES)

GREG:
Careful, man,

she's sleeping.

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