They're Watching Page #2

ALEX:
"Be careful..."

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Is the princess sleeping?

Then I'll just,

I'll just make sure

there's no more potholes

in the roads.

ALEX:
Beautiful Moldova!

ALEX:
The poorest

country in all of Europe.

The average Moldovian

believes in vampires,

lives in a tin shed,

apparently,

and has an average

of four teeth.

You are mean.

ALEX:
Moldovanites don't just

enjoy record-setting rates

of tuberculosis, they're also

the world's heaviest drinkers,

pounding back more than eight

gallons of alcohol per year.

That's six times

the world's average.

Just drivin'

through a shitty town

In a shitty van

You can get in on

this if you want.

GREG:
Uh, but, what is the

Pavlovkan national anthem.

Do we have one?

That is the Pavlovkan

national anthem.

(GREG LAUGHING)

I was just singing it,

that's that thing.

GREG:
Everything is

brown in Pavlovka

ALEX:
Oh, my God, Greg,

look, it's your mom.

GREG:
You f***in' a**hole.

(LAUGHING)

ALEX:
Would it be,

would it be awkward

if I hit on your mom?

ALEX:
Here's the local

Stalin impersonator.

SARAH:
This is like

the longest drive ever.

ALEX:
I don't even know

what to do about this.

I mean, who has

the right of way here,

me or the horse?

Welcome to the Pavlovka Ritz.

This is it?

KATE:
And take care

of the f***in' cockroach

in my room.

GREG:
Hey, come on,

let's do this, man.

This is gonna be fun.

KATE:
Are

you telling him?

VLADIMIR:
Yes, yes, yes.

He says, "Step on

it yourself" or...

KATE:
Step on it?

Step on it?

It's bigger than

my f***ing foot.

ALEX:
Kate.

Maintenance man will

not be here for hour.

Jesus Christ,

where the f***

have you guys been?

Before you freak out,

three hour delay in Berlin.

Kate, you've met

Wallace's niece.

This says that you're on time,

right here on the website.

GREG:

And the flight was great,

thanks for askin', Kate.

Oh, f***, the f***ing

Internet here is

f***ing retarded.

Kate, Kate, Kate.

(SHOUTS) F***!

Relax, it's Pavlovka.

The cell phone service

is, uh, not so good.

And who is this

wonderful woman here?

I have not met you.

Oh, no, hi,

my name's Sarah.

I am Vladimir,

it's a pleasure.

Nice to meet you, Vladimir.

I, uh, have a little,

uh, gift for you.

Pick a card, any card.

It's your lucky day!

It's Vladimir.

Everybody knows me because

I make your dream house

appear like magic.

Thank you.

Jesus Christ, whatever.

Just check them in.

GREG:
Fancy.

Okay, here.

Why are you standing

around, dummies?

Go unpack the van.

ALEX:
Achtung, achtung,

unpack the van.

Fine, do it.

Why are you still filming?

GREG:
Memory cards are cheap,

I don't wanna miss a shot.

Oh, my God.

ALEX:
All right, it

breaks down like this.

Greg is camera one.

When sound is

not a priority,

I am camera two.

Your job is primarily

to fetch us

batteries, memory cards,

stuff like that.

Keep our walkies refreshed.

Et cetera, et cetera.

Um, when do I get

to shoot something?

Do you know how

to use a camera?

Yes, I took a lot of

film classes in college.

Oh, oh, my God, Greg,

she, she took film classes

in college.

(STAMMERS) I'm so sorry.

I didn't know we had

an expert on the crew,

so when you are not

being our fetch monkey,

you can be camera three.

You drop this thing,

it is $1,500 out

of your paycheck.

Okay.

Okay, it's 2K, waterproof,

even shoots night vision.

Night vision?

Yeah.

SARAH:
For Home

Hunters Global?

Bow chicka bow wow.

SARAH:
What does that mean?

Yeah, what does

that mean, Alex?

It means, you know,

in case somebody

wants to hook up

with the buyers.

Yeah, 'cause they're

definitely not gonna wanna

be able to see him when

he's hooking up with 'em.

Oh, see, he's very mean.

(SARAH LAUGHS)

You thought he was so

nice, but he's so mean.

This is why I love him.

'Cause he's a meanie.

Alex loves... He loves

my inner a**hole.

So much!

This is called a boom pole.

It's not to be taken

internally. If you

catch my drift.

SARAH:
Oh, so you

guys haven't heard

of sexual harassment

then, huh?

What happens in

Moldova, stay in Moldova.

Small cameras,

um, very versatile.

We use these for window

mounts, car mounts, uh,

chest mounts,

if you are so inclined.

SARAH:
Chest mounts, for

hooking up with the buyers?

No, for hooking up

with the crew members.

(SARAH LAUGHS)

No, this is actually

for maybe theoretically

recording Kate

when she's screaming at you

and hopefully we can get her

fired one of these days.

Listen. See if we can

figure this out.

SARAH:
Are we gonna put it on?

Yeah, just kinda

hold it over here.

SARAH:
Okay,

can you see that?

No, I think it's great.

Mmm-hmm.

All right, let's get

kitted up, all right?

We need to, uh, get

some B roll of donkeys,

cobblestone,

that sort of thing.

You know how

Kate loves donkeys.

Yep.

SARAH:
Donkeys, really?

What, I don't mean,

you know, real donkeys.

SARAH:
Okay, sure.

I mean, you know,

men who are hung like donkeys.

SARAH:
Yep, I got it.

That's good, just relax,

let the camera be your eyes.

I've done this before.

ALEX:
Hmm, yeah,

and she's got the

student loans to prove it.

GREG:
Oh boy,

look at this one.

Ah, now you see

that really sexy,

healthy looking American

couple in the window?

(LAUGHS) Yes.

Yeah, don't.

That goes for all crew,

all right, especially Kate,

Kate sees herself

in a, in a shot,

she'll slit your throat,

and that goes for

car windshields,

mirrors, I don't know,

wishing wells,

it doesn't matter.

Nothing ruins the

illusion of television

like catching the man

behind the curtain.

Or woman.

Or, yeah, whatever.

Dude. We're done

with this, right?

Can I just get rid of it?

SARAH:
Oh, I feel

like these houses

are looking at me.

GREG:
All right,

pan down at me.

Come on, film school,

that's way too fast.

Anything quicker than

an optic foot per second,

people at home are

gonna start throwin' up.

Nice and slow,

nice and steady.

Nice and...

Fun lady.

Come closer, come closer,

come closer, come closer,

come closer.

Okay, now it's just awkward.

(LAUGHS)

Somebody had onions

for lunch, obviously.

Back off, back off.

SARAH:
Okay.

That's it.

All right, now follow.

Here we go.

SARAH:
I got it.

ALEX:
Follow, follow, follow.

SARAH:
I got it,

I'm following.

ALEX:
And stop.

(SARAH LAUGHS)

SARAH:
Sorry, sir.

Alex, she's a pro.

No, man, no, she

went to film school.

And God said,

"Let there be Doina."

(LAUGHING)

Doina, Doina,

I'll give ya Doina.

Baby, you want Doina.

Give you some Doina.

Baby, what you

got there, baby?

I got some Doina, baby.

There is not one single

Starbucks in this entire town.

How do they live

without caffeine?

This is important.

SARAH:
Kate is

gonna be so mad at us.

No, you have to

be in the middle.

To the left of us.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Two, and back, back.

Kick, shuffle, shuffle.

Doina.

Doina.

Do... Is mine

upside down?

It is. Sh*t.

Doina!

Oh, sh*t.

(SNICKERING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

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