Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead
Cinderella, dressed in yella,
went upstairs|to kiss her fella,
made a mistake|and kissed a snake.
How many doctors|did it take?
- One, two, three, four,|- Come on, pass the ball.
five, six, seven, eight.
Angie, go to your spot.
Higher!
Let's get the rhythm|of the stomp, stomp, stomp.
Cinderella, dressed in yella,
went upstairs|to kiss her fella,
made a mistake|and kissed a snake.
How many doctors|did it take?
One, two, three, four,
five... six...
seven... eight...
nine... ten...
11... 12...
13... 14... 15...
16... 17.
- Okay, come on.|Cinderella, dressed in yella,
went upstairs to kiss her...
Hi.
What do you want,|doofus?
Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey!|What're you doin'?
Loser! Loser! Loser!|Loser! Lo...
# Edna Million|in a drop-dead suit #
# Dutch Pink|on a downtown train #
# Two-dollar pistol|but the gun won't shoot #
# I'm in the corner|in the pourin' rain #
# Sixteen men|on a dead man's chest #
# And I been drinkin'|from a broken cup #
# Two pairs of pants|and a mohair vest #
# I'm full of bourbon|I can't stand up #
# Hey, little bird|Fly away home #
# Your house is on fire|Children are gone #
- # Hey, little bird #|- No, in those days,
you wanted a piece of quim,|you knew where to go.
You left your wife at home.|You... You hit the spots.
You'd run with a big noise guy...|you know, a cake eater.
Before you could say beef bayonet,|you got a bangtail on your arm...
sweet as Dutch cheese.
Now you got your f***in' AIDS.
You got your raised|feminist consciousness,
whatever the f***|that means.
Then you got your movements... a movement|for this, a movement for that.
You got too many movements,|ya ask me.
The only good movement's|a f***in' bowel movement.
Hey!
Look who's here!|Jimmy the Saint!
- Hit and run, Malt.|- All right.
- What's the word, Jimmy?|- What's goin' on, Joe?
You heard about this thing,|that f***in' Bernard?
- No, what happened?|- I knew the kid was lunchy, but not this f***in' lunchy.
They picked him up at a schoolyard|fishin' for saplings.
- No sh*t.|- They oughta neuter that f***in' kid.
It's a brain thing, Joe,|with Bernard, not a balls thing.
Aw, give it a name. Come on. Anything|you can say is a problem with a man.
It's a balls thing.
- Hey.|- Boat drinks.
Boat drinks.
Jimmy the Saint from Flatbush.
Went to seminary school|but lost the calling.
But in his day,|the b*tch's bastard.
# Turn the corner, fool|is what she said #
# A hundred dollars|makes the talkin' said #
# Edna Million|in a drop-dead suit #
# Dutch Pink|on a downtown train #
# Two-dollar pistol|but the gun won't shoot #
# I'm in the corner|on the floor #
Because after you've gone,
your money|goes to somebody else,
another man comes along|and marries your wife.
Your kids fall in love with strangers.
But if you've been good,|if you've been decent,
how you are remembered|cannot be sullied,
cannot be changed.
Very... Very nice,|Mr. Jergen.
Um, Barry, could you...
- Um, some water.|- Sure.
- We're doin' great.|- There you go.
Why don't we take a little break,|and we'll continue later?
All right.
- Two-six-eight...|- Easy. Easy, now.
Good afternoon.
Julie, call and check|on that...
Here we have Mr. Jergen.|He's doing his taping.
Now, my associate Randall Cuffland,|who just went by,
he follows a very carefully composed list|of questions which he poses to Mr. Jergen...
and which Mr. Jergen's loved ones|will be able to access once he's gone.
You understand?
I'd like to introduce you|to somebody.
Here, this way.
This is Stevie.
Stevie's father passed away,|pancreatic cancer,
at a time in late adolescence|when Stevie needed him the most.
So now Stevie needs advice from|his father, he comes back to see us.
- Understand? Let me show you.|- Right.
Hey, what's goin' on,|Stevie?
Hey, Jimmy. How are ya?
Uh, girls.|I don't know.
This is, uh...
Hey, if you chase|a dog, it runs.
Treat 'em like sh*t. That's what I did|to your mother, and she fell for me.
Two months later,|we were married.
You treat 'em like dirt|and they come running.
- Thank you.|- Thanks.
Uh, your father suffers from...|What was it?
- Uh, diabetes.|- Ah, yes, diabetes.
- But his condition has taken a severe turn for the worst.|- Time is of the essence.
- Yes. Thanks.|- Thank you.
- Does he have any grandchildren yet?|- Uh, eight, all together.
Ah, I see. I'm sure they'll benefit|from a patriarch's advice...
maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow,|but someday soon.
- Good afternoon, Mr. Jergen.|- Yeah. Hi.
Take our brochure.
One for you. One for you. And please,|uh, give one to a friend.
- Thank you.|- On your way out, there's a ledger there.
- Please sign it. It's our mailing list.|- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Any luck?|- Nope.
He seemed into it, but she looked like|she was gonna launch lunch over Mr. Jergen.
- We'll get the next one, Jimmy.|- Right.
Uh...
- Happy hour at 6:00. I'll see you there.|- Okay.
# My baby's a superstar #
# She's in a class by herself #
# I said my, my baby's|a superstar #
# She's in a class by herself #
# You don't think if love|mean anything else better #
- # You got to have it Got to have it for himself #|- Hey.
Just picked it up|for the newspaper ad.
"Just because they're gone|doesn't mean they can't guide"?
- Who came up with that?|- I did.
- It's terrible.|- Why?
- It's clunky.|- Clunky?
- It's f***ing clunky, Cuff.|- What's clunky?
- What do you know about clunky?|- I know about clunky, and that's f***in' clunky.
I thought you people were supposed|to be good at this kind of sh*t.
- "You people"?|- Yes, you people. Homosexuals. You're not a homosexual now?
- "You people"?|- You people.
Every fag in the world|is good at this kind of sh*t,
and I gotta wind up|with one that's clunky?
Okay, Jimmy. Well, the video leasing|company called "you people" today,
and they said if they don't|have a check by the end of the week,
they're gonna come|and take all the equipment.
# Said that woman #
# Man, she's such a dream|Ah #
# I said that woman #
# She's like something|you've never seen, ah #
Jimmy.
So what do we do?
- Jimmy?|- I don't know, Cuff. Maybe we should let Julie go.
It's not like the phone actually rings|or anything.
Or maybe we could dip|into your boat fund.
I mean, you're never really gonna|buy a boat. We live in Denver, Jimmy.
Who has a boat in Denver?
Good-bye.
Hi.
Dagney? That's your name?|Tremendous name.
My name is Jimmy, and I just have|one simple, impulsive question:
- Are you in love?|- What?
- At the present time, are you in love?|- Why?
Because if you are,|then I won't waste your time.
I mean, I'm not the type of man|to impede another man's happiness.
However, if you're|not presently in love,
then I will continue my rhapsody,|because if I may so, Dagney,
you are most definitely|the bee's knees.
Does this rap ever work?
Alas, in the old days.|Uh, now I rarely get a chance to try it.
But you haven't answered|my question.
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"Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 22 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/things_to_do_in_denver_when_you're_dead_21760>.
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