Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead

Cinderella, dressed in yella,

went upstairs|to kiss her fella,

made a mistake|and kissed a snake.

How many doctors|did it take?

- One, two, three, four,|- Come on, pass the ball.

five, six, seven, eight.

Angie, go to your spot.

Higher!

Let's get the rhythm|of the stomp, stomp, stomp.

Cinderella, dressed in yella,

went upstairs|to kiss her fella,

made a mistake|and kissed a snake.

How many doctors|did it take?

One, two, three, four,

five... six...

seven... eight...

nine... ten...

11... 12...

13... 14... 15...

16... 17.

- Okay, come on.|Cinderella, dressed in yella,

went upstairs to kiss her...

Hi.

What do you want,|doofus?

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!|What're you doin'?

Loser! Loser! Loser!|Loser! Lo...

# Edna Million|in a drop-dead suit #

# Dutch Pink|on a downtown train #

# Two-dollar pistol|but the gun won't shoot #

# I'm in the corner|in the pourin' rain #

# Sixteen men|on a dead man's chest #

# And I been drinkin'|from a broken cup #

# Two pairs of pants|and a mohair vest #

# I'm full of bourbon|I can't stand up #

# Hey, little bird|Fly away home #

# Your house is on fire|Children are gone #

- # Hey, little bird #|- No, in those days,

you wanted a piece of quim,|you knew where to go.

You left your wife at home.|You... You hit the spots.

You'd run with a big noise guy...|you know, a cake eater.

Before you could say beef bayonet,|you got a bangtail on your arm...

sweet as Dutch cheese.

Now you got your f***in' AIDS.

You got your raised|feminist consciousness,

whatever the f***|that means.

Then you got your movements... a movement|for this, a movement for that.

You got too many movements,|ya ask me.

The only good movement's|a f***in' bowel movement.

Hey!

Look who's here!|Jimmy the Saint!

- Hit and run, Malt.|- All right.

- What's the word, Jimmy?|- What's goin' on, Joe?

You heard about this thing,|that f***in' Bernard?

- No, what happened?|- I knew the kid was lunchy, but not this f***in' lunchy.

They picked him up at a schoolyard|fishin' for saplings.

- No sh*t.|- They oughta neuter that f***in' kid.

It's a brain thing, Joe,|with Bernard, not a balls thing.

Aw, give it a name. Come on. Anything|you can say is a problem with a man.

It's a balls thing.

- Hey.|- Boat drinks.

Boat drinks.

Jimmy the Saint from Flatbush.

Went to seminary school|but lost the calling.

But in his day,|the b*tch's bastard.

# Turn the corner, fool|is what she said #

# A hundred dollars|makes the talkin' said #

# Edna Million|in a drop-dead suit #

# Dutch Pink|on a downtown train #

# Two-dollar pistol|but the gun won't shoot #

# I'm in the corner|on the floor #

Because after you've gone,

your money|goes to somebody else,

another man comes along|and marries your wife.

Your kids fall in love with strangers.

But if you've been good,|if you've been decent,

how you are remembered|cannot be sullied,

cannot be changed.

Very... Very nice,|Mr. Jergen.

Um, Barry, could you...

- Um, some water.|- Sure.

- We're doin' great.|- There you go.

Why don't we take a little break,|and we'll continue later?

All right.

- Two-six-eight...|- Easy. Easy, now.

Good afternoon.

Julie, call and check|on that...

Here we have Mr. Jergen.|He's doing his taping.

Now, my associate Randall Cuffland,|who just went by,

he follows a very carefully composed list|of questions which he poses to Mr. Jergen...

and which Mr. Jergen's loved ones|will be able to access once he's gone.

You understand?

I'd like to introduce you|to somebody.

Here, this way.

This is Stevie.

Stevie's father passed away,|pancreatic cancer,

at a time in late adolescence|when Stevie needed him the most.

So now Stevie needs advice from|his father, he comes back to see us.

- Understand? Let me show you.|- Right.

Hey, what's goin' on,|Stevie?

Hey, Jimmy. How are ya?

Uh, girls.|I don't know.

This is, uh...

Hey, if you chase|a dog, it runs.

Treat 'em like sh*t. That's what I did|to your mother, and she fell for me.

Two months later,|we were married.

You treat 'em like dirt|and they come running.

- Thank you.|- Thanks.

Uh, your father suffers from...|What was it?

- Uh, diabetes.|- Ah, yes, diabetes.

- But his condition has taken a severe turn for the worst.|- Time is of the essence.

- Yes. Thanks.|- Thank you.

- Does he have any grandchildren yet?|- Uh, eight, all together.

Ah, I see. I'm sure they'll benefit|from a patriarch's advice...

maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow,|but someday soon.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Jergen.|- Yeah. Hi.

- Happy man.|- Thank you.

Take our brochure.

One for you. One for you. And please,|uh, give one to a friend.

- Thank you.|- On your way out, there's a ledger there.

- Please sign it. It's our mailing list.|- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- Any luck?|- Nope.

He seemed into it, but she looked like|she was gonna launch lunch over Mr. Jergen.

- We'll get the next one, Jimmy.|- Right.

Uh...

- Happy hour at 6:00. I'll see you there.|- Okay.

# My baby's a superstar #

# She's in a class by herself #

# I said my, my baby's|a superstar #

# She's in a class by herself #

# You don't think if love|mean anything else better #

- # You got to have it Got to have it for himself #|- Hey.

Just picked it up|for the newspaper ad.

"Just because they're gone|doesn't mean they can't guide"?

- Who came up with that?|- I did.

- It's terrible.|- Why?

- It's clunky.|- Clunky?

- It's f***ing clunky, Cuff.|- What's clunky?

- What do you know about clunky?|- I know about clunky, and that's f***in' clunky.

I thought you people were supposed|to be good at this kind of sh*t.

- "You people"?|- Yes, you people. Homosexuals. You're not a homosexual now?

- "You people"?|- You people.

Every fag in the world|is good at this kind of sh*t,

and I gotta wind up|with one that's clunky?

Okay, Jimmy. Well, the video leasing|company called "you people" today,

and they said if they don't|have a check by the end of the week,

they're gonna come|and take all the equipment.

# Said that woman #

# Man, she's such a dream|Ah #

# I said that woman #

# She's like something|you've never seen, ah #

Jimmy.

So what do we do?

- Jimmy?|- I don't know, Cuff. Maybe we should let Julie go.

It's not like the phone actually rings|or anything.

Or maybe we could dip|into your boat fund.

I mean, you're never really gonna|buy a boat. We live in Denver, Jimmy.

Who has a boat in Denver?

Good-bye.

Hi.

Dagney? That's your name?|Tremendous name.

My name is Jimmy, and I just have|one simple, impulsive question:

- Are you in love?|- What?

- At the present time, are you in love?|- Why?

Because if you are,|then I won't waste your time.

I mean, I'm not the type of man|to impede another man's happiness.

However, if you're|not presently in love,

then I will continue my rhapsody,|because if I may so, Dagney,

you are most definitely|the bee's knees.

Does this rap ever work?

Alas, in the old days.|Uh, now I rarely get a chance to try it.

But you haven't answered|my question.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes