This Girl's Life

You know, the mouth

really is an amazing orifice.

What a phenomenal creation

from Mother Nature.

So poly-functional.

We need it to breathe, obviously,

but it can also taste and speak,

sometimes in many tongues.

Suck, lick, kiss.

We use it as a weapon when we bite.

And, of course,

my personal favorite,

blow.

A variety of instruments,

of course.

Okay. I'll get to the point.

Put it in your mouth.

Let it roll around a little

bit inside there.

Get a feeling for it.

Now... roll your tongue

around the head of it.

Doesn't it give you

a sense of power?

Now, suck hard.

A little bit harder.

Don't let the stuff

go down your throat.

It'll make you choke.

Trust me.

You obviously swallow, Martine.

What? No, I don't.

- Never in a million years.

- Busted.

Hey. Check out this guy.

Yeah, but I bet he's

a ninety-niner.

Hit me, Martine.

What's a ninety-niner?

It's the difference

between guys and girls,

- Really?

- Otherwise known as a ninety-niner.

Okay. A guy could be in a

restaurant with his girlfriend

- or fianc who he's completely in love with,

- Of course.

And then he feels a rumble

in his bladder and decides,

"Oh, I have to go to

the bathroom." So...

He tells his girlfriend

very politely, "I have to go."

Excuses himself.

And, just as he's

about to go in,

a beautiful woman comes

up to him and says,

"I've been watching

you eat all night,

"and I was just

so hot and bothered,

"I was wondering...

if I could... give you head.

In the bathroom. No strings

attached. What do you say?"

- Uh-huh.

- Mmm.

99 percent of guys

would say, "Yes,"

and go in and get the job.

Now, if the situation

was reversed, and a woman

was approached by a gorgeous

guy outside the restroom,

given a similar line,

99 percent of women would say...

I don't know.

I think I'm that one percent, then.

Maybe it's my maternal instinct.

'Cause I would never like

to see a good man go hungry.

That's my girl.

That's my mom's grave.

She died when I was 12 years old.

Well, when I say "died,"

she committed suicide.

It's weird. I can almost

feel her presence.

I can almost smell her perfume.

My father came home early

from work one day, and...

he found her in bed

with another man.

No one ever spoke about it.

Maybe that's why she did it.

She couldn't take the guilt.

She hung herself.

And this was my mom's car.

She called it her Bond car.

She has a small role in

one of the early Bond films.

It was only a walk-on, but,

after that, she always said

that she was a Bond girl.

So, this is where I work.

Primal.

There's no smoking here.

Every movement I make

is transmitted in a live sex

24 webcam.

This is our resident cameraman.

A.Z., how you doin'?

And we've got a pool with

a view outside our house.

Beautiful. Isn't it?

Web cameras everywhere.

And...

This is my audience.

Good morning.

They pay very close attention.

And this is my room here.

You like that?

So, no peeking.

And this is my little

personal camera.

You can see me everywhere.

And this is my uniform for today.

What do you think? Pretty

minimalist. Isn't it?

I gotta confess and tell you

straight off the bat,

I'm a bit of a Bond fanatic.

I always have been since

I was a kid.

Probably 'cause of my mom.

You know, if I wasn't doing this,

I'd like to be a secret

service agent.

This is my... last detail.

What do you think?

You like me as a blonde?

All right. Let's go.

Let's meet everybody else.

Don't think I'm gon'

tell y'all my real name.

Have all y'all freaks salivatin' on

my front porch humpin' my door handle?

Hell, no!

Okay, guys?

Ready? Come on.

Gonna meet my favorite, Moon.

This is one of our biggest hits.

All over Southeast Asia,

Russia... Big, big hit.

Moon. This is Cheyenne.

Big in Zimbabwe, Japan,

and, believe it or not,

Alabama.

All right, guys.

Come on this way.

All right. Just... relax,

be yourselves, be cool.

And remember one thing.

She doesn't like it if

you suck on her lips. Okay?

Sweet kisses but nothing else.

All right.

You look great.

All right. Guys this is A.Z.

He's our webcam guy.

He's always there, always

doing his little number.

Bond, Bond, and more Bond.

All right, guys.

I own Primal Video.

Everybody just calls me Mr. A.

We like to think of

ourselves as one big family.

One big, incestuous,

dysfunctional family,

just like home.

This is our pride and joy.

Number-one star in the world,

this is Moon.

Guys, introduce yourselves.

Hi, Moon. I'm Marko.

God, I just love your

body of work.

L-I've seen almost all your

films, and, uh...

I don't know.

Y-You're just awesome.

Have you done any acting

work before?

Well, I did Romeo and Juliet

when I was in school.

I'm Basil.

Aw, don't let the wrinkles,

uh, scare ya.

Come on. Wrinkles are a girl's

best friend.

I always say, the more wrinkles

down here, the greater...

Can I stop you right there,

Basil?

A little imagination

goes a long way. Thank you.

Me, I'm from a small town you

probably never even heard of.

Macon, Georgia.

But, you know, you're a bona

fide movie star,

and I really... l-I just

wanna be your leading man.

- Ha-ha-ha.

- That's, uh, Sammy.

He's always eating.

He's from Texas.

He really doesn't say

much besides, "Yup,"

- and, "Dang it."

- Nice to meet you.

- Ready?

- Yeah.

Okay, guys, let's drop 'em.

You know, that's what I hated

about the movie Full Monty.

There was no full monty.

What's up with that?

Quarter monty? Half monty?

No monty?

Anyway... Any thoughts?

Actually, I have a few.

People always talk about

the size of the penis,

but they never talk about

the shape.

And shape is critical.

Ask any girl.

There's the width,

but then there's also

the shape of the head.

And the Tantric say,

that the thumb is shaped

like the penis.

So, if the thumb is shaped

like a mushroom,

you got a mushroom head.

If it's shaped like a pencil,

you got a pencil head.

And, uh, my girls

and I have found

that the mushroom heads

give the most pleasure.

And besides, my mom

always told me

not to stick pencils

in my mouth.

I think you all look

very interesting.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

All right, gentlemen.

Would you kindly wait outside, please?

Why don't you relax?

Have yourselves a drink, some coffee.

Do a little stretching. Okay?

A little flexibility.

Gotta get in different positions.

You know what I mean?

I think you can... have some fun.

Yeah. I think I'm gonna...

I'm gonna go with Marko.

He seems... He seems innocent.

Okay. You like those

innocent types.

Yes.

- Feeling okay?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Mm-hmm.

- Did you get your car repaired?

- Yes.

That's the twentieth time

you've repaired it.

I love my car.

It looks great.

But a safer car... might

protect you a little bit better.

- Mm-hmm.

- All right. I'll shut up.

I know this may not

be the right time,

but I did bring the new contract,

- 'cause your contract runs out.

- Mm-hmm.

Maybe you can put

a John Hancock on it?

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