This Girl's Life Page #6

So, I've taken out this ad.

Tell me what you think.

The S. I.A.

The Sex Intelligence Agency.

"Do you need the services

of the S. I. A?

"Are you sure your

lover's faithful?

Will they pass the test?"

My phone has been ringing

off the hook.

My answering machine's about

to have a hernia.

I kid you not.

I've taken interviews from

all kinds of people.

Okay. So, I've been married

nine years,

but he's at the office very

late every single day.

And you have to ask yourself,

how much work is there to do?

I just want to know if

he'd cheat on me with a woman.

You know? I mean...

That would be the ultimate

betrayal.

He's always on his cell phone.

But, if we are out,

he is never answering it.

He just lets it ring.

It is forever ringing.

I am worried that my wife might

give it up to a man with more money.

With hair.

Who's got... breasts.

He doesn't even have

a f***ing job.

I've been supportin' his ass

for months.

Whatever. It doesn't matter.

Just, I need to know.

Do you take checks?

I've been tryin' to get

myself prepared to provide

a more professional service.

For instance...

How much do I charge?

Is-ls a grand too much?

I mean, what is this type

of information worth?

Anyhow, I've got three S.I.A.

Jobs lined up for this week.

How does that work,

the video shirt-button cam?

- Oh.

- What is that?

Actually, um, l-l-I'm new here.

This is my uncle John's store...

- Is he here?

- Yeah.

- Uncle John?

- Oh, perfect.

I mean John.

We try not to be all family...

- Be a professional. I hear you.

- Yeah.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Uh, can you tell me how to...

How does that work right there?

'Cause that looks...

- The button camera?

- Yeah.

Oops. Excuse me, Jason.

- It's basically a black-and-white camera.

- Mm-hmm.

Lines coming out feed into

your video deck that you wear,

giving you about 420 lines

of resolution.

That is perfect.

Okay. So, I have the spy-cam

built into my

cap.

I spent all night trying

to set it up and rig it

so it can be viewed from

the emblem.

Look at this. It's got a little

camera here with the antenna.

See? And then it clips right

in there.

Like that.

Okay. Here we go.

I've been going backwards

and forwards about

whether or not I should re-sign

with Primal for another year.

It's not that I have any ill

feelings towards the industry.

And the money's guaranteed

to support me and Pops.

But it's just that business

is really taking off.

And I'm the one calling

all the shots.

I'm directing now,

and I've got clients

coming out of the woodwork.

I would like to be so bold as to

get you to come a little closer.

And place my hand that's moist,

feel the firmness of your skin.

Inner thigh.

And then gently, slightly

move over a little higher.

Does that feel good?

Because if it...

if it feels offensive,

I'll stop and chop

that hand off.

I don't have a problem

with that.

I can't say it doesn't

feel good.

Okay.

'Cause I gotta be honest

with you.

I am married. Human.

I love my wife very much

and I am never gonna leave her.

This is just about sex,

pure and simple.

Pure sex.

You still down with that?

Hello?

Moon, what're you

doin' right now?

Hey, Cheyenne. What's goin' on?

I need talk to you.

Will you meet me later?

Yeah. Okay. When?

- Meet me at the... at the clinic at six.

- What're you, pregnant?

Just meet me there. All right?

Yeah. Okay. All right.

Hey.

- Oh, thank God you're here.

- Hey, baby. I'm sorry I'm late.

What's wrong? What's with all

the urgency?

You remember that scene

that we did in April with

Steve Kellis?

- Mm-hmm.

- We both did a scene with him.

Yeah. So?

Kobi found out that he's

come down with AIDS.

Excuse me?

Why do you think

I asked you to meet me here?

I took my test.

I'm waiting for the results.

- You need to get yours.

- Wait...

I'm freaking out here.

Calm down. All right?

I saw the certificate with

my own eyes.

So did I. He faked it.

He-He probably paid some

bent doctor to sign it off.

I don't know.

Son of a dick.

All right. Just to fill you

in on the whole testing thing,

five years ago when I started

in the industry,

they were still using

the old HIV test,

the Eliza test, which has

a three-month window.

Now, thank God, they're

using the DNA test by PCR,

which only has a 24-hour window.

You get tested every 30 days.

Hello, Moon?

- Yeah.

- Hi.

Your friend Cheyenne, here,

made an appointment for you.

And we're ready for you.

Can you follow me?

Hello guys. Looking good.

Everybody's in blue jeans.

What's with this?

Mr. A?

I'll be right there.

All right, guys.

Have a good time.

Have yourself some food. Not too

much. Don't wanna gain weight.

What's up, guys? Keep it goin'.

What's up?

Nothing.

What's the matter?

Huh?

L-I need to talk to you.

Okay.

In private.

I don't know what I was

thinkin'. 20 guys?

Three's my limit.

You gotta have your limits. Right?

I mean, it's like drinking.

You know when you've had enough.

You have no choice.

I already paid the guys,

paid the camera crews,

paid all the advertising.

Crying is not an option here.

We need to be adults.

That's why they call it

the adult film business,

and this is business, and

we've gotta be professionals.

This was your idea.

- Yeah, but...

- Now, don't make me angry.

I don't like getting angry.

I scare myself when I get upset.

Look. I'll give you another

nine grand,

and I'll co-sign for that

new SUV that you like.

The Eskimo.

It's an Escalade.

The Escalade.

Okay?

We're on the same team. Remember?

Here. Look.

Sh.

I'll give you a little bump.

Get you back on track.

Okay? Come on.

Huh?

I still can't do it.

Now! Okay? You're not hearing me!

Moon, did you hear what I said?

What? Oh...

Wouldn't it be nice

to have a boyfriend for once?

Look, kip, I don't know

if I believe in monogamy.

You know? I mean...

I just...

I just think that maybe

humans were not meant

to be monogamous.

L-I think that it's...

it's not in our nature.

Men, I can see how they

could have the urge not

to be monogamous.

Their whole function was designed

to hunt and plant their seed.

I mean, isn't that what

you're tryin' to do right now?

Hunt me down so you can seed me?

No.

But God forbid I have a sexual

thought about a porn star.

- Welcome to the house.

- Oh, thank you.

Did you say hello to our

congregation yet?

Uh, no. Not with the verbals.

Well, don't be shy.

Trust me, girl.

I am not the shy type.

I love the money.

The money's been good to me.

Now the sister is rollin'

in Beverly Hills.

You know, I don't even

really know who I'm kidding.

I have a 20-second sex loop that

runs through my mind endlessly.

I think all men do.

I know all men do.

But I don't think I would have sex with

you now, even if you were offering.

Or anyone else for that matter.

You wouldn't?

I mean, don't get me wrong.

There is nothing that I would

like more than to grab you

and spin you around and make

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