This Isn't 'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse': The XXX Parody

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Who's there?.

Who's there?.

What do you want?.

Some say the world will end in fire.

Some say in ice...

From what I've tasted of desire,

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if I had to perish twice...

I think I know enough of hate,

To say that,

for destruction,

Ice,

is also great.

And would suffice.

You know,

I've got an english final.

I gotta focus.

Marry me.

No.

Marry me.

Change me.

Okey I will if you marry me,

It's called a compromise.

It's just called coercion.

It's not fair.

Marriage is just...

Is a piece of paper.

Where I am from,

it's the way one says, 'I love you'.

Where I come from,

at my age...

It's the way one says,

'I just got knocked up'.

So, you're worried about

what people will think.

You know, it's two out of three

marriages end in divorce.

Well, I think you'll find the...

Vampire, human divorce rate

is a little lower.

Just marry me.

I can't.

I have to be back at four.

Four o'clock on the dot.

That kid trying to brown nose me

now or something?

He has a name.

And now he's too punctual for you?

Okey...

You understand

why you're being punished, right?

I know, I put you through hell.

- Yes, you did.

But I have other reasons,

for grounding you.

Like...

I just want you to get

some separation from him.

Dad, there is nothing you can say.

Edward is in my life.

Yeah, I'm gathering that.

So, alright. How about this?

I'll make you a deal.

You're not grounded anymore,

if...

You use your new found freedom...

...to see some of your other friends too,

Like...

Like Jacob.

He's going through

a really tough time right now,

His Dad's really worried about him.

I remember when that was you.

You needed a friend,

Jake was there.

Hey, it's Jake.

Leave a message.

Jacob hadn't talk to me in weeks.

I wanted to fix it,

he just...

He wouldn't give me the chance.

'I miss you too.

Doesn't change anything.'

You scared me.

You're going now to the reservation.

How'd you --?

Alice...

Hey,

did you do this to my truck?

Bella, you have to understand.

Your safety is everything to me.

Jacob is not gonna hurt me.

Not intentionally,

but the wolves have no control...

Edward.

I have...

Until graduation,

to see him.

And I'll be one of you,

and he'll hate me forever.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

- Just in time. Alright, check it out.

Alright, let's see what you got.

- My fellow students.

Cool.

- Right?

Wow.

- Okey, right? -- Cute.

We are the future.

Anything is possible...

...If you just believe.

- Nice.

Blah, blah, blah...

Perfect.

- And got your self a speech.

No, this will be my speech.

When I want everyone to throw

diplomas at my head.

So...

Thank you.

Ya gotta embrace the cliches,

Jess.

They have the bread and butter

of all valedictorians.

And that is why you are not valedictorian.

And Jess doesn't need cliches.

Speech is gonna be epic.

Epic? It'll change lives.

I decided to throw a party.

After all, how many times

we gonna graduate high school?

A party? At your place?

I've never seen your house.

- No one's ever seen their house.

A nother party, Alice?

It'll be fun.

- Yeah.

That's what you said last time.

Hey, Angela.

- Yes.

Do you need some help with those?

I know you know what she saw.

Tell me.

It was nothing.

You looked worried.

Just that everyone would notice

how strange Alice is.

I think that ship sailed long ago.

I wonder what's wrong.

There's someone missing

in Seattle, over a year ago.

Charlie is doing what he can,

but...

Do you know something about this?

We've been tracking the situation

in Seattle for a while.

Unexplained disappearances,

killings...

If the situation gets anymore conspicuous,

the Volturi will step in.

If they go to Seattle,

they can come here.

They can see I'm still human.

- We won't get that far.

But we'll go to Seattle if we have to.

I'll fax these down the first thing.

Thank you.

Hey.

- Hey.

You're ready for dinner?

- Yeah.

It is still just...

you and I, alright?

No, I'm just dropping her off.

See you later.

- Bye.

Oh...

Bella.

My parents wanted to

remind you about the...

Airline ticket you got for your birthday.

What airline ticket?

A round trip ticket to see Mom in Florida.

Wow, that was generous.

And it expires soon, they say

you might wanna use it this weekend.

Well, I can't just drop everything and go.

It might be your last chance

to see her before you graduate.

Well. It might not be a bad idea.

get out of the town for a couple of days,

get some distance.

Yeah,

I wouldn't mind seeing Mom...

As long as you use the companion ticket.

Wait, just two tickets?

Super,

That makes me really happy.

I did wanna see my Mom.

I wanted to know that her life

was full by satisfying

Aren't you gonna miss this?

Don't you just feel the vitamin D

soaking up in your pores?

Yeah, I'm gonna miss this.

You know, colleges in Florida

are a lot sunnier.

I'm just saying,

if you go to university of Alaska...

I'm never gonna see you.

They have a really great science program.

You mean Edward program.

The way he watches you...

It's like he's willing to leap in front of you,

and take a bullet or something.

Is that a bad thing?

It's an intense thing.

You're different with him.

If he moves, you move.

Like magnets.

I don't know, we're just...

In love.

I get it.

I just want to make sure,

you're making the right choices for you.

You know, cause you're the one

who's gonna have to live with him.

Alright, enough with the heavy.

Mom.

- Congraduation.

I didn't want you to spending you're money.

I didn't, come on.

Are these all our old trip T-shirts?

- Emm. -- Get out.

I saved'em all.

I thought they'd make a good quilt.

To keep you warm up in Alaska.

Remember this one?

Ensanada.

The snake pit.

- Yep.

But this one is my favourite.

Here...

The three-headed lobster in Maine.

This is amazing.

- No, honey. I'm glad you've like it.

I just figured, you know,

when you get older, have kids,

We can add to it.

Maybe go visit...

...the world's largest catsup bottle

or something.

Thanks

- Oh...

I'm glad you like it.

I just thought, you should have

a little piece of me, up there in Alaska.

Mom.

- Yeah.

I miss you.

- Oh, honey. I miss you too.

You sure this is where you saw her?

She's almost here.

On your left.

Wait.

She's in their territory.

She'll get away.

No she won't.

Emmett, no.

Did you regret going?

No.

It was really great to see my mom.

Just really hard saying goodbye.

It doesn't have to be goodbye.

- Is that why you ask me to go?

You thought I was gonna change my mind.

I'm always hoping for that.

What?

If I asked you to stay in the car,

would you?

Of course not.

Hey.

Charlie said you left town.

- Yeah. To visit my Mom, why?

Just checking to see if you're still human.

I'm coming here to warn you.

If your kind come on our land again...

Wait, what?

You didn't tell her?

- Just leave it alone, Jacob.

Tell me what?

Emmett and Paul had a misunderstanding,

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