This Isn't 'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse': The XXX Parody Page #4

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Decisions, decisions...

When we were five,

they asked us what we wanted to be

when we grew up...

Our answers were things like

astronaut, president...

Or in my case, a princess.

When we were ten,

they asked again,

and we answered,

rock star, cowboy,

or in my case,

a gold medalist.

But now that we've grown up,

they want a serious answer.

Well, how about this...

...who the hell knows?

This isn't the time to make

hard and fast decisions,

this is the time to make mistakes.

Take the wrong train

and get stuck somewhere.

Fall in love,

a lot.

Major in philosophy, because there's

no way to make a career out of that.

Change your mind, and change it again,

because nothing is permanent.

So, make as many mistakes as you can.

That way, someday,

when they ask what we wanna be...

...we won't have to guess.

We'll know.

You've made it.

Hey.

- What'd you think of my speech?

Too easy-breezy, too self-helpful?

You may admit it.

No, you pretty much nailed it.

- Yeah?

It's like I was born to lead, right?

- Oh, great. I love this song, let's go.

What are you doing here?

- You invited me, remember?

Was my right hook too subtle for you?

That was me uninviting you.

Look, Bella. I'm sorry...

about, you know...

The kiss and your hand...

I'd blame it on the whole

inner animal thing...

But it was really just... me.

Being an ass.

I'm really sorry.

I brought you something.

A graduation present.

I made it myself.

Oh...

You made this?

It's really pretty.

Thanks.

I'll be right back.

Alice, what did you see?

- The decision's been made.

What's going on?

- You're not going to Seattle?

No...

They're coming here.

They'll be here in four days.

- This could turn into a blood bath.

Who's behind it?

- I didn't see anyone I recognize.

Maybe one...

I know his face.

He's local, Riley Biers.

He didn't start this.

Whoever did is staying out of the action.

They must be playing with

the blind spots in your vision.

Either way,

the army is coming...

...and there aren't enough of us

to protect the town.

Hold up.

What damn army?

Newborns. Our kind.

- What are they after?

They were passing around

Bella's scent. A red blouse.

They're after Bella?

What the hell does this mean?

- It means an ugly fight.

With lives lost.

Alright...

We're in.

- No.

You'll get yourselves killed,

noway.

I wasn't asking for permission.

- Edward.

It means more protection for you.

Jacob. Do you believe Sam

will agree to... an understanding?

As long as we get to kill some vampires.

Jasper?

- They'll give us the numbers.

And the newborns won't know

they even exist.

That'll give us an edge.

- We'll need to coordinate.

Carlisle, they'll gonna get hurt.

- We'll all need some training.

Fighting newborns requires

knowledge that Jasper has.

You're welcome to join us.

Alright.

Name the time and place.

Jake...

You don't know

what you're getting yourself in to.

Bella...

This is what we do.

You should be happy.

Look at us, working together.

You're the one who wanted us

to get along, remember?

Again.

It's a graduation present.

They don't trust us enough

to be in their human forms.

They came.

That's what matters.

Will you translate?

Hey, Jake.

Welcome.

Jasper has experience with newborns.

He'll teach us how to defeat them.

They want to know

how the 'newborns' is differ from us.

They're a great deal stronger than us,

because their own human blood

lingers in their tissues.

Our kind is never more

physically powerful...

...than in our first

several months of this life.

Carlisle's right.

That's why they are created.

A newborn army, doesn't need

thousands like a human army.

And no human army

could stand against them.

The two most important things

to remember are, first...

Never let them get their arms around you.

They'll crush you instantly.

The second...

Never go for the obvious kill.

They'll be expecting that.

And you will lose.

Emmett?

Don't hold back.

Not in my nature.

Never lose focus.

One more thing...

Never turn your back on your enemy.

Some of you,

are gonna get hurt.

Some of you

could get killed, because of me.

It's gonna be a hundred times

worse than this, right?

We're done for the day.

Jasper...

Are you sure, there's nothing

I can do to help?

Your presence alone,

your scent will distract the newborns.

Their hunting instinct will take over,

drive them crazy.

Good. I'm glad.

Hey.

How do you know so much about this?

I didn't have quite the same upbringing

as my adopted siblings.

Those bites are like mine.

Battle scars.

All the training the Confederate Army

gave me...

...was useless against the newborns.

Still,

I never lost a fight.

This has happened during the civil war?

I was the youngest major

in the Texas cavalry.

All without having seen any real battle.

Until...

Until I'm not a certain immortal.

Maria.

I was riding back to Galveston...

...after evacuating

a column of women and children.

When I saw her...

I immediately offered her my aid.

Lovely. And an officer.

You'd better do it, Maria.

I can never stop once I've started.

What's your name, soldier?

- Major Jasper Whitlock, Ma'am.

I hope you survive.

You maybe of a great use to me.

Maria was creating an army?

They were very common in the South.

And cost a brutal battles for territory.

Maria won them all.

She was smart, careful.

And she had me.

I was the second in command.

My abilities to control emotions

served her well.

I trained her newborns.

An endless occupation since she never

let them live beyond their first year.

It was my job to dispose of them.

I could feel everything they felt.

I thought what Maria and I had was love.

But I was her puppet.

She pulled the strings.

I didn't know there was another way...

Until I found Alice.

Now she'd seen me coming,

of course.

Kept me waiting long enough.

My apologies, Ma'am.

I don't know what I'd have become

without her.

You'll never have to be that again.

What is it?

The intruder...

The newborn army.

They're all her puppets.

Victoria.

Alice would've seen

if she wanted to make an army.

Unless she's hiding behind them,

and she's letting someone else decide.

Welcome to the army.

I'm not just gonna hide,

while you're taking all the risks for me?

If it's Victoria involved...

I need to keep you as far away

from the fight as possible.

Jasper said that I could be of help.

We won't need your help.

With the wolves in this,

it's an easy win.

The rest of us,

aren't gonna have enough to do.

Okay, either it's so dangerous

that I have to hide...

Or it's so easy, that you're gonna be

side blind, which is it?

It's dangerous for you.

It's easy for us.

I think it's dangerous for us to be apart.

How many times we have to prove that?

I'll be worrying.

You'll be worried.

And we'll both feel more horrible.

Okay, you're right.

So, I'm coming with you.

No, we've got to stay away together.

I can't make you choose

between me and your family, it's...

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