This Isn't 'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse': The XXX Parody Page #5

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The only way I can protect you,

is to be with you.

You're not fighting?

What, you pull a muscle or something?

He's doing it for me. Okay?

- Whatever.

Just tell me the plan.

This field will give us

an advantage in battle.

We need to lure the newborns

with Bella's scent.

It needs to end here.

Edward and I are going on a campsite.

Even if he carries me,

they'll still pick up our scents.

Your stench, however,

is revolting.

Dude, you really don't want

to start comparing stinks.

What he means, is that your scent

will mask mine if you carry me.

Done.

This is not a good idea.

Edward.

They won't want to get

anywhere near his... odor.

Okay, let's just try it.

Eau de wolf, comin' up.

- Run.

You gonna ask me to sit out the fight, too?

Or don't you care about my safety?

Of course I care,

but you'd say no.

So I won't have a choice anyways.

Since I let Sam be alpha male.

I got to live with the shots he calls.

Since you let Sam be alpha?

I didn't want to be in a pack,

let alone be it's their leader.

Wow.

Chief Jacob.

- Opted out.

But every choice has it's consequences.

Some more than others.

- Don't start.

Everybody makes choices,

you gonna have to accept mine.

You can love more than

one person at a time.

I've seen it,

with Sam, Emily, and Leah.

Well...

I'm not a wolf, I can't imprint.

- It has nothing to do with imprinting.

It has to do with...

Feeling something for somebody.

And I know you feel something for me.

I can sense how I make you feel...

Physically.

I make you nervous.

Jake.

Don't worry.

I promised I wouldn't kiss you

again until you asked.

You're going to be keeping

that promise for a while, Chief.

All I picked up was wolf stench.

No Bella.

This will work.

- Great.

Okay, Alice. Don't be a stranger.

- Okay.

Your alibi for the battle is all arranged.

Really?

I told your father that our whole

family's going camping this weekend.

So you and I are having

a sleep over at my house.

Charlie is going fishing anyway.

- Charlie?

You guys run for the same basis now?

Me, he likes.

Actually, you and Edward will have

the house to yourself tonight.

Like alone?

We're all going hunting,

powering up for the battle.

You're welcome.

Hey. Do you want a sandwich?

- No, I'm good.

Well, the sister...

I like.

Alice.

Yeah, she's great.

Hey, Dad.

I was wondering...

Why didn't you get remarried,

after Mom?

I don't know...

Guess I still haven't met the right gal.

Why?

- I don't know.

I thought you just...

Maybe you gave up

on the whole institution of it.

Of marriage.

But do you think there's any value in it?

Yeah.

Yeah, marriage has value.

When you're older.

Much older.

Like you're mother...

It seem to work out fine for her

the second time round.

Later in life.

- Yeah, I guess.

I mean...

You definitely don't wanna

have to get married,

because you weren't...

careful.

What?

Look, you know what I'm talking about.

There's...

Things, that you need

to think about it, if you...

If you gonna be...

physically intimate.

Okay. Don't...

until we've enough of 'The Talk'.

Don't you just quit.

- It's just as embarrassing for me,

as it is for you.

- I doubt that.

And don't bother, 'cause Mom

beat you too early ten years ago.

Well, you didn't have a boyfriend

ten years ago.

I'm sure things work the same way.

Alright.

So...

You guys are...

taking precautions, and...

Okay, dad. Please just

don't worry about that.

Edward is... old school.

Old school, great.

What's that?

Like a code for something?

Oh my god.

Dad...

I'm a virgin.

Okay, go.

Glad we covered that.

Me too.

Virgin...

Liking Edward a little bit more now.

What are you doing here outside?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

It seems the only fair,

that I'd be represented as well.

It's really pretty.

Thanks.

There's a bed.

I thought you might need one to sleep in.

I think an air mattress would've sufficed.

It is too much?

- No.

No, it's perfect.

I want to ask you something.

Anything.

Okay, marriage is the condition for you,

to change me yourself, right?

Yes.

Okay. I want to negotiate my own condition.

Anything you want,

It's yours.

Do you promise?

Yeah.

Bella... no.

You've said that you wanted me

to have every human experience.

Not the ones that support risk killing you.

You won't.

And everyone says,

once I'm changed...

...all I'm gonna want is

to slaughter the whole town.

That part doesn't last forever.

I want you.

While I'm still me.

While I still want you this way.

It's too dangerous.

Try...

Just try.

I'll go to some ridiculously

expensive college...

...and let you buy me a car.

I'll marry you, just try.

Stop trying to take your clothes off.

Do you want to do that part?

- Not tonight.

Okay.

I mean, you don't...

But, fine.

Believe me, I want to.

I just want to be married to you first.

You really make me feel like

I'm some sort of like a villain trying...

...steal your virtue or something.

It's not my virtue I'm concerned about.

Are you kidding?

It's just one rule,

I wanna leave unbroken.

It might be too late for my soul,

but I will protect yours.

I know it's not a modern notion.

- It's not modern.

It's ancient.

I'm from a different era.

Things were...

a lot less complicated.

And if I met you back then,

I would've courted to you.

We'd have taken chaperoned strolls,

or had iced tea on the porch.

I may have stolen a kiss or two.

But, only...

...after asking your father's permission.

I would've got down on one knee.

And I would presented you with a ring.

This was my mother's.

Isabella Swan. I promise

to love you, every moment forever.

And would you do me the extraordinary

honor of marrying me?

Yes.

You're not coming with us?

It will be a last minute decision.

I told you how it works.

The Cullens have powers.

Don't underestimate them,

Riley.

You'll have the numbers,

but they'll be able to...

...anticipate your every move.

According to your friend.

- Yes.

My dead friend.

Laurent found out about

the things they could do,

and they killed him.

But not before he told me.

Maybe he was wrong.

I mean...

This is supposed to be...

Cullen territory.

But we've been tearing it up

and I've never even seen them here.

You don't trust me.

With my life.

I'm just saying that...

I'm doing this for us.

So that we can feed,

without their retaliation.

I can't live in fear anymore,

waiting for them to attack.

I won't let them.

I'm going to end the Cullen clan.

I swear.

I love you. So much.

You're going overboard.

If this is all I can contribute,

I want to be thorough.

The newborns will be frantic.

It's Okay. Don't make yourself

uncomfortable.

It doesn't bother me anymore.

Since when?

Since I spent 24 hours

thinking you were dead.

You're not wearing your ring.

Well, I didn't want to risk losing it.

Or risk Jacob seeing it?

I think we should wait to tell him.

I mean, at least till after the fight.

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