This Isn't 'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse': The XXX Parody Page #6

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If you're having second thoughts...

- I'm not.

I just want him to have a clear head.

Whose head is unclear?

Nobody's, I hope.

Alice says there's a storm coming.

Yeah, I can feel it.

We should get going.

I'll see you in a couple of hours.

Something up?

A bunch of vampires trying to kill me.

Same old, same old.

Thank you.

You should get back before the storm hits.

No, I'm staying.

You'll need my connection to the pack,

to keep tabs on what's going on.

You're not going to fight?

- Seth will spell me in the morning.

He's not happy about missing the action,

but it'll keep him out of trouble.

Let's get you inside.

I should have chosen a site lower down.

No, It's fine. I'm okay.

What can I do?

I can't sleep with all that

teeth chattering going on.

Forget it.

She may need her toes someday.

And let's face it...

I'm hotter than you.

Get your hand off me.

Get your hands off her.

Don't fight.

She gets sick, it's on you.

Why.

you're freezing, Bella

Relax,

You'll warm up soon.

Faster if you took your clothes off.

Jake.

- Survival one oh one.

Can you, at least attempt

to control your thoughts?

I really get under that

ice cold skin of yours, don't I?

What?

Are you doubting her feelings for you?

Nice...

So picking through my brain's okay,

but letting me into yours,

forget it.

Look...

I know she's in love with you.

- Oh, good.

But she's in love with me, too.

She just won't admit it to herself.

I can't tell you if you're right.

Then let me ask you something.

If she chooses me...

- She won't.

If she did.

Would you try to kill me?

That's an intriguing idea.

But no.

I couldn't hurt her like that.

see, you'd just turn her into

a bloodsucking demon like you.

I don't want that.

I never wanted that.

So stop her.

- I tried.

I left.

- But you gave up too quickly.

If you'd stayed away another six months,

I could've made her happy.

Trust me.

You have to consider...

...that I might be better for her than you are.

I have considered that.

I know you can protect her.

But you can give her a life,

a human life.

It's all I want for her.

But, I'm not...

I'm not going to force her

into anything, ever again.

The last time I tried,

it almost killed us both.

Yeah, that I remember.

When you thought she was gone...

...that you'd lost her...

How did you... cope?

There're no words.

But I wouldn't wash it on anyone, Jacob.

This might sound odd,

but I'm glad you're here.

Pretty neat.

As much as I'd love to kill you,

I'm glad she's warm.

If we weren't natural enemies...

...and you weren't trying to steal

my reason for existing...

I might actually like you.

Well...

If you weren't planning on sucking

the life out of the girl I love,

I might...

No...

Not even then.

But she could still

change her mind, you know.

Then I'd let her go.

Fine. Hi, Seth.

Where's Jacob?

Did he already...

Not yet.

He's checking to see if the woods

are clear before he goes.

I'm really sorry about last night.

I couldn't have been easy on you.

It definitely won't make my list

of top ten favorite evenings.

You have a list?

All ten I spent with you.

Number one is when you said

you'd marry me.

Mrs. Cullen.

This is the twenty-first century,

I always wanna hyphenate my name.

You're marrying him?

Jake...

You knew he was listening?

He deserves to know.

Jake, stop.

- Bella, let him...

Don't.

Jake, stop.

Jake, please.

- I'm done. I'm so done.

What can I do?

- You can't do anything.

I can. By going out there

and killing something.

No. You're not thinking clearly,

don't do that.

Maybe I'll get my self killed

and make it simple for you.

No. Just, Jake...

Stay.

Why?

Give me one good reason.

Because I don't wanna lose you.

It's not good enough.

Because you're too important.

Still not good enough.

Jacob.

Kiss me.

I'm asking you to kiss me.

That should have been our first kiss.

I gotta go.

I'll be back.

You saw.

No. But Jacob's thoughts are very loud.

I don't know what happened.

You love him.

I love you more.

I know.

It's starting.

Jacob just got there.

He's good.

Someone's hurt?

She's close.

I can hear her thoughts.

Seth, go.

She knew we weren't there,

but she caught my scent.

She knew you'd be with me.

She found us.

She's not alone.

Riley...

Listen to me.

Victoria's just using you,

to distract me.

But she knows I'll kill you.

In fact, she'll be glad she doesn't

have to deal with you anymore.

Don't listen, Riley.

I told you about their mind tricks.

I can read her mind,

so I know what she thinks of you.

He's lying.

She only created you and this army

to avenge her true mate, James.

It's the only thing she cares about. Not you.

There's only you.

You know that.

Think about it.

You're from Forks,

you know the area.

That's the only reason she chose you.

She doesn't love you.

Riley...

Don't let him do this to us.

You know I love you.

You're dead.

You won't get another chance

like this again.

You want her.

You want me to feel the pain

you felt when I killed James.

When I tore him to pieces.

When I turned him into ash.

When I turned him into nothing.

Victoria.

Victoria.

Something's wrong.

- Alice needs us to go.

And now.

How long?

- A few minutes. Maybe ten.

The pack needs to leave.

The Volturi won't honor a truce

with the werewolves.

Leah, don't.

Jacob.

Jacob. Hold on, Carlisle

is gonna take care of you.

The bones on the right half

of his body are shattered.

Bella.

- Jake, I'm right here.

Jacob, you idiot. I had it.

- Leah.

I need to set the bones before

his accelerated healing kicks in.

It's already starting.

- We need to get him out of here.

We're not gonna win a fight with the Volturi.

We'll take him back to Billy's.

- I'll be there as soon as I can.

Hang in there, Jake.

We got you.

They're coming.

Impressive.

I've never seen a coven escape

an assault of this magnitude intact.

We were lucky.

I doubt that.

It appears we missed an entertaining fight.

Yes. It's not often

we're rendered unnecessary.

If you'd arrived a half hour ago,

you would've fulfilled your purpose.

Pity.

You missed one.

We offered her asylum

in exchange for her surrender.

That wasn't yours to offer.

Why did you come?

Who created you?

You don't need to do that.

She'll tell you anything you want to know.

I know.

I don't know

Riley wouldn't tell us.

He said our thoughts weren't safe.

Her name was Victoria.

Perhaps you knew her.

Edward. If the Volturi had

knowledge of Victoria,

they would've stopped her.

Isn't that right, Jane?

Of course.

Felix.

She didn't know what she was doing.

We'll take responsibility for her.

Give her a chance.

The Volturi don't give second chances.

Keep that in mind.

Caius will be interested to know

that she's still human.

The date is set.

Take care of that, Felix.

I'd like to go home.

It's been going on for a while.

- Doc's rebreaking his bones.

Why'd he have to butt in?

I could've taken that tick...

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