This Isn't 'The Twilight Saga: New Moon': The XXX Parody

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NEW MOON:

These violent delights

have violent ends...

And in their triumph die,

like fire and powder...

Which, as they kiss, consume...

Gran?

Edward, don't!

She will see you.

Okay.

Grandma, I would like

you to meet...

Happy birthday, Bella.

Happy birthday, Bells.

I thought we agreed,

no presents.

Well, the one from me

is not wrapped.

So, don't count.

It's actually great.

Thanks, Dad.

Uh, goes with this one

from your mom.

We coordinated.

Well, she coordinated me.

It's to put your pictures in,

from senior year.

Senior year.

How'd you get so old so fast?

- I didn't.

It's not that old.

- I don't know.

Is that a grey hair?

No! No way!

Happy Birthday.

It's really funny.

Another missing hiker brings

the total to three presumed deaths.

The Rangers are searching

for the killer animal...

Oh, it's Bella.

Bella!

Today is the big day, Bella.

Uh, R and J essay due?

- Oh, yeah!

Wherefore art thou, Bella?

I wanna take a picture of you guys.

My Mom...

...wants me to put together, like...

...a scrapbook full of memories.

- Oh, of course, yeah.

I take them, I'm not in them.

- No, no, no, come here.

You'll photoshop my nose

if it looks big, right?

Don't worry, I'm in the picture.

No one will be looking at you guys.

It's good.

Oh, good.

Cullen's here.

Well, catch you later.

Happy birthday.

- Don't remind me.

Bella, your birth is definitely

something to celebrate.

But my aging is not.

- Your aging?

I think 18 is all youngster,

don't worry about that.

It's one year older than you.

No, it isn't.

I'm a hundred and nine.

- Wow!

Maybe I should not be dating

such an old man.

It's gross!

I should feel certainly repulse.

We have to go to class.

- Yeah.

Wait a second.

Someone wants you.

Bella.

- Jacob!

I'll leave you to talk.

Hello, biceps!

You know, anabolic steroids are

really bad for you.

Well, I'm just filling out, Bella.

You know, wouldn't seem so drastic

if we hung out more.

We should switch schools.

Then you can come hang out

with the pale faces.

I'm alright.

I prefer the Res school's exclusivity.

They let any old rift raft into this place.

I see.

Why are you summing it?

I was just buying a part for the Rabbit.

You should really come, take a ride,

when it's done.

Is it fast?

- Huh, it's decent.

Okay.

- Okay, good.

Hey, happy birthday.

Your Dad told my Dad.

So...

Yeah, of course, he did.

I saw this the other day and

thought of you.

It catches bad dreams.

It's perfect.

Thank you.

- No problem.

See you soon. Bye.

- Yeah, see you later.

So, how come Jacob Black gets to

give you a gift and I don't?

Because I have nothing

to give back to you.

Bella, you give me everything

just by breathing.

See? Thank you.

That's all I want.

Bella!

Happy Birthday!

- Shhh!

I thought, I said you,

no presents.

I've already seen you open it

and guess what?

You love it!

You're gonna wear it tonight,

our house.

Come on, please?

It will be fun.

Okay. alright.

- Great! Okay, I'll see you at 7:00.

Jasper, no fair

with the mood control thing.

Sorry, Bella.

Happy...

Never mind.

You can't trust vampires.

Trust me!

O, my love!

My wife!

Death that hath sucked

the honey of thy breath.

Hath had no power yet

upon thy beauty.

Thou art not conquered.

Beauty's ensign yet is crimson in thy lips

and in thy cheeks.

And death's pale flag

is not advanced there.

I hate being celebrated.

There are worse tragedies.

Hm, look at Romeo.

He kills his true love

out of sheer stupidity.

Yeah.

Though I do envy him,

one thing.

Juliet. She's like perfect.

If you like that obviously

beautiful sort of thing.

No, not the girl, dear.

The suicide.

It's nearly impossible for...

...some people.

For humans,

a little poison...

...a dagger to the heart...

So many different options.

Why would you say that?

Because I considered it once.

I didn't know,

if I'd get to you in time.

I had to come up with

some kind of...

...plan.

And what was the plan?

I would go to Italy,

...and provoke the Volturi.

The what?

- The Volturi...

Now, who would like to repeat

the last few lines...

just to show,

they were paying attention?

Mr. Cullen.

Oh, yes, Mr. Birdy.

O, here.

Will I set up my everlasting rest,

And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars

from this world-wearied flesh.

Eyes, look your last!

Arms, take your last embrace!

And lips, O you,

the doors of breath,

...seal with a righteous kiss.

A dateless bargain to engrossing death!

Eyes on the screen, people.

Thus with a kiss I die.

The Volturi are a very old,

very powerful family.

I guess, the closest thing to royalty

my world has.

Is that Carlisle?

- Yeah.

He lived with them

for a few decades.

Described them as

very refined.

No respect for human life,

of course, but...

...respect for the arts

and science as at least.

And the law...

...above all of law.

And vampires have laws?

Not very many.

There's only one and

it's regularly enforced.

What is it?

To keep the existence

of our kind a secret.

We don't make spectacles

of ourselves,

And we don't kill conspicuously.

Unless, of course,

you want to die.

We have to talking about that.

I can't even think...

...about someone hurting you.

Bella, the only thing that

can hurt me is you.

And I don't have anything else

to be afraid of.

That's not true.

Victoria?

She will come for me one day.

Alice will see

what she decides and...

...we will be ready.

- I can protect you.

If you change me.

Bella, you already do protect me.

You're my only reason...

...to stay alive,

if that's what I am.

But it's my job to protect you.

From everyone except my sister.

It's time!

It's time! It's time!

It's time!

Sorry about all this.

We tried to rein Alice in.

Like it's even possible.

Happy big Birthday, Bella!

- Thanks.

I found it in your bag, mind?

Dating an older woman?

Hot!

What?

You first, Rosalie.

It's a necklace.

Alice picked it up.

- Thanks.

Show me the love!

This is from Emmett.

Already installed it in your truck.

Finally, a decent sound system

for that piece of...

Hey, don't... don't hate the truck.

Open Esme and Carlisle's.

Just a little something

to brighten your day.

We think, you looking

kind of pale lately.

Paper cut.

Jas... Jas!

It's okay.

It's just a little...

...blood.

Get Jasper out of here.

I'm sor...

I'm sorry, I can't.

I'll have to stitch this up

in my office.

Check on Jasper.

I'm sure, he's very upset with himself.

And I doubt he'll listen to anyone

but you right now.

Edward?

I never wanted that party.

- It's not your fault.

Jasper hasn't been away from human blood

as long as the rest of us.

How do you do it?

Years and years of practice.

Did you ever think it of...

...just doing it the easier way?

No.

I knew who I wanted to be.

I wanted to help people.

Brings me happiness.

Even if I'm damned about this.

Damned?

Like... like hell?

Carlisle, you can't be damned.

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