This Isn't 'The Twilight Saga: New Moon': The XXX Parody Page #3

---

I'm Quil Ateara.

So the bike building story is true.

Oh, yeah, yeah!

I taught him everything he knows.

What about the part

where you're his girlfriend?

Uh, we're friends, you know?

- Hmm. Burn!

Actually, I remember, I said

she's a girl and a friend.

Embry, do you remember him

making that distinction?

Nope!

So you guys have girlfriends.

It's awesome.

Yeah, right.

Quil's actually taken his cousin to prom.

Yeah, that's still a riot.

You want funny, Black?

I'll give you funny.

Jesus!

I got five bucks on Quil.

- You're on.

Dear Alice, I wish,

I had your real address.

I wish, I could tell you

about Jake.

He makes me feel better.

I mean,

he makes me feel alive.

The hole in my chest...

...while when I'm with Jake,

It's like, it almost healed.

For a while.

Quil keeps asking to come over.

I think he likes you

a little too much.

Oh, I'm really not into

the whole cougar thing, you know?

What's up with you and age?

I mean, how old was that

Cullen guy anyway?

But even Jake can't keep

the dreams away.

Hey, Bella!

You're alright. You're okay?

- No.

I thought this thing was

starting to work,

...but I guess not.

Can I ask you something?

Hanging out with Jacob...

...does seems to take your mind

off things for a bit, doesn't it?

You know, sometimes...

...you gotta learn to love

what's good for you.

You know, what I mean?

Of course, what do I know?

I'm just a terminal bachelor.

Famous ladies man.

Okay...

Go to bed.

I love you.

If I told you,

...I couldn't have fixed these bikes,

what would you say?

Are you doubting your mad skills?

No, definitely not.

I mean, they're all fine.

It's just...

May be if I was smarter

would have dragged out to rebuild them.

If you told me,

you couldn't fix these bikes.

I would say that that's...

...really too bad but...

...he's gonna find something else to do.

Is that Sam Uley?

Yeah, and his cult.

Oh, my God!

Did you see that?

They're not really fighting, Bella.

They're cliff diving.

Scary as hell,

but a total rush.

Rush?

- Most of us jump from lower down.

We'll leave the showing off

to Sam and his disciples.

Is some kind of beef

with them or something?

Oh, no.

They just think they run this place.

Embry used to call them hall

monitors on steroids.

Now, look at him.

- That's Embry?

Yeah.

- What happened to him?

He missed some school...

...and all of a sudden started following

Sam around like a little puppy.

Same thing with Paul and Jared.

Sam keeps giving me this look,

...like he's waiting for me

or something.

It's kinda starting to freak me out.

Well, you should just avoid him.

I'll try.

Okay.

You look scared.

- I'm not.

Alright! Brake.

Clutch. Good.

Gas.

Ready?

Now slowly... release the clutch.

Bella.

Stop.

You alright?

I'm gonna go again.

Hit the brake!

I wanna go again.

- Are you trying to get yourself killed?

I'll try again.

- No, forget it.

No more bikes.

Man, your head.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

You're apologizing for bleeding?

Yeah, I guess, I am.

It's just blood, Bella.

No big deal.

What are you staring at?

You're sort of beautiful.

How hard did you hit your head?

I don't know.

Let's go.

I did see something in the woods.

- Sure, baby, I believe you.

No, he doesn't.

He's just trying to get lucky.

It was jet black and huge.

On all fours, it was still taller

than a person.

A bear, may be?

Or an alien.

You're lucky that you didn't get probed.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I saw it.

You're not the only one.

My Dad's been getting reports

at the station.

Like five hikers been killed by some bear.

But they can't find the bear.

Last time you clowns

doubt my girlfriend.

So, I mean...

Bella is back.

Yeah, I guess so.

- Huh, that's... Welcome.

So listen, not now that...

You know, you're talking and...

...eating again, you know?

You gotta get that protein in there.

I was just wondering,

if you wanted to go see a movie with me.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, I do.

Cool, um, let me see...

We could check out

"Love spelled backwards is love. "

Yeah, it's a dumb title,

but, um, it's a romantic comedy.

I mean, it's supposed to be.

- No. No romance.

How about "Face Punch"?

You heard of that?

Well, it's an action movie.

- Yeah, it's perfect.

With guns... adrenaline...

...it's my thing

- Okay.

We should get a bunch of people to go.

Do you guys wanna go see...

..."Face Punch"?

- "Face Punch"? Yeah!

Mike, hey, we were supposed

to watch that?

Remember the trailer's like...

- Yeah?

Punch his face in.

- I don't remember that.

Movie night with Bella!

So, "Face Punch", huh?

You like action movies?

Not really.

I heard it sucks. Bad.

Hey, are you even old enough

to see this movie?

I mean, you know, without adult supervision?

- Right, yeah.

Well, she's buying my ticket for me.

- She's buying it, okay.

Jessica bailed

and Angela's got the stomach flu

...so Eric's taking care of her.

So, it's just us three.

- Great.

Great.

- Yeah.

Put the gun down.

Put your gun down or I'm gonna

blow your freaking head off.

Both of you!

Put both of your guns down or I'm gonna

blow both of your freaking heads off.

Alright, let's do this!

Okay, I think I'm gonna throw up!

Jesus!

- What a marshmallow!

You should hold out for someone

with a stronger stomach.

Someone who laughs at the gore

that makes weaker men vomit.

Yeah, I'll keep my eye open for that.

I feel bad.

He probably has that flu that's...

...going around.

What? I can't hold your hand?

- No, of course, you can.

I just think it means

something really different to you.

So...

Okay, tell me something.

You like me, right?

And you think, I'm sorta beautiful?

Jake, please...

don't do this.

Why?

Because you are about

to ruin everything.

And I need you.

Well, I've got loads of time.

I'm not gonna give up.

I don't want you to.

But...

It's just because I don't want you

to go anywhere.

It's... it's really selfish.

You know, I'm not like a car

that you can fix up.

I'm never gonna run right.

So I should be fair to you.

It's because of him, right?

Look, I know what he did to you.

But, Bella, I would never,

ever do that.

I won't ever hurt you.

I promise.

I won't let you down.

You can count on me.

Well...

I need to go home.

I'm... I was feeling sick

before the movie, okay?

What is your problem?

- Right now?

You are my problem.

Feeling sick?

Maybe you need to go to the hospital.

Do you want me

to put you in the hospital?

Jake... Jake, the movie's over.

What are you doing?

Jake, you're really hot.

Like, you feel like you have a fever.

Are you okay?

I don't know what's happening.

I gotta go.

That dude is weird.

Jake.

Uh, your Dad says you have mono.

He won't let me visit but...

would you call me?

Hey, uh, it's me again.

I just...

I'm sorry about what I said

at the movie theatre.

I just wanted to hear your voice.

So, no pressure.

Jacob, please call me.

Okay, we should be

back around three.

Rate this script:3.5 / 2 votes