This Isn't 'The Twilight Saga: New Moon': The XXX Parody Page #4

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Hey!

Look, I don't have to go fishing today.

- Yes, you do.

Yeah, you do. Go.

What are you talking about?

Just be careful.

- I always am.

Those bears won't get

the drop on me, Bella.

My kung foo is strong.

Jake!

You cut your hair?

And got a tattoo?

Bella...

I thought you were too sick

to come outside.

Or pick up the phone

when I'd call.

Go away.

- What?

Go away.

What happened to you?

What's wrong?

Hey, what happened?

Did Sam get to you?

Is that what's happening?

Sam's trying to help me,

don't blame him.

But if you want somebody to blame,

How about those

filthy bloodsuckers, you love?

The Cullens.

I don't know

what are you talking abut.

You know exactly

what I'm talking about.

You been lying to everyone.

Charlie...

But you can't lie to me.

Not anymore, Bella.

- Come on! Jacob!

Look, Bella...

We can't be friends anymore.

Jake, I know that

I have been...

...hurting you.

It's... it's killing me.

It kills me.

If you, may be,

give me like some time.

Don't!

It's not you.

It's not you, it's me, right?

Really?

It's true!

It is me.

I'm not good.

I used to be... a great kid.

Not anymore.

It doesn't even matter, alright?

This is over.

You can't break up with me.

I mean...

I mean, you're my best friend.

You promised me.

I know.

I promised that

I won't hurt you, Bella.

And this is me keeping that promise.

Go home.

And don't come back.

r you're gonna get hurt.

Alice...

Things are...

Things are bad again.

Without Jake, I just...

I can't stand it.

I don't see Edward anymore.

Now it really feels like

he never existed.

I will find a place

where I can see him again.

Bella.

- Laurent!

I didn't expect to find you here.

I went to visit the Cullens, but...

the house is empty.

I'm surprised they left you behind.

Weren't you sort of a, um,

...a pet of theirs?

Yeah. You could say that.

Do they Cullens visit often?

Lie.

Yeah, absolutely, all the time.

- Lie better.

I'll tell them that you stopped by.

I probably shouldn't tell...

...to Edward.

Because he's pretty protective.

- But he's far away, isn't he?

Why are you here?

I came as a favor to Victoria.

Victoria?

She asked me to see

if you were still...

...under the protection

of the Cullens.

Victoria feels it's only fair

to kill Edwards mate...

...given he killed hers.

An eye for an eye.

Threaten him.

- Edward would know who did it!

And he'd come after you.

I don't think he will.

After all, how much could

you mean to him...

...if he left you here unprtected?

Victoria won't be happy

about me killing you.

But I can't help myself.

You're so mouthwatering.

- Please, don't!

I mean, you'd helped us.

- Shhhh!

Don't be afraid.

I'm doing you a kindness.

Victoria plans on killing you

slowly, painfully,

...where as I'll make it quick.

I promise.

You will feel nothing.

Edward, I love you.

I don't believe it.

Dad, I saw them!

What's the matter?

- In the woods. They are not bears!

What you mean in the woods?

Bella, what the hell were you doing

out in the woods?

They are wolves.

I mean, they're like huge wolves!

Are you sure about that, Bella?

- Yeah, I just saw them.

They were after... something.

Wolves? You saw?

Alright.

Well, Harry,

...feel like going hunting?

Can you get some of

your guys together?

Sure, yeah. I'll...

I'll just...

I know that those wolves

will be dead.

And Laurent would have told her

I'm unprotected.

Victoria.

I should go to the station.

Dad, you should...

You should go.

You can just stay in the house?

Bella!

Oh, you scared me.

What the hell are you doing?

- Back up. I'm coming up.

Look, look, I'm sorry.

For what?

- I wish I could explain,

...but I literally... can't!

Have you ever had a secret

you couldn't tell anyone?

One that wasn't yours to share.

Well, that's what

it's like for me.

Or worse.

You have no idea,

how tight I'm bounded.

I hate this.

I hate what they have

done to you.

I mean, the killer part is

you already know!

Bella, do you remember,

when walked on the beach in La Push?

The sto...

The story...

The story about the cold ones.

I guees, I understand why that's

the only part you remember.

There must gotta be something

You can do...

No.

I'm in it for life.

May be we should just

get out of here for a while.

We'll just leave.

Just you and me.

You can do that?

I'll do it for you.

It's not something

I can just run away from, Bella.

But I would run away with you.

If I could.

I gotta go.

They'll certainly wonder where I am.

Come here.

Please...

Try to remember.

It would be so much easier

if you knew...

I tried, but...

Jake.

Jake, what are you doing?

Wait, Jake.

Jake!

Edward, I'm scared.

You should be.

Really it's just like an old story...

That we're not supposed to

say anything about...

Did you know, the Quileute are

supposed to be descendants from wlves?

Bella.

I need to see him.

He's not in.

I'm sorry, really need to see him.

- Bella?

What did you do?

Okay, what did you do?

- Hey!

What did you do to him?

- Easy!

He didn't want this!

- But we do.

What did he do? What did he tell you?

- Both of you calm...

Nothing! He told me nothing,

because he's scared of you!

Too late, now.

- Bella, get back.

Paul, calm down now.

Bella!

Run!

Jake, run!

Take Bella back to Emily's place.

Guess the wolf's out of the bag.

Alice...

Is it possible that everything is true?

The fairy tales and

horror stories?

Is it possible that there isn't anything

sane and normal at all?

Hey, I think, we should go back

and see if Jacob's okay.

I hope Paul gets some teeth in him.

Serve him right.

No way. Jake's a natural.

You see him phase on the fly?

I gotta fiver says,

Paul doesn't touch him.

Come on in, Bella.

We won't bite.

Speak for yourself.

Oh, hey, about Emily...

Sam's fiance,

...don't stare.

It bugs him.

Why would I stare?

You guys hungry?

Like I have to ask...

Who's this?

Bella Swan.

Who else?

So, youre the vampire girl.

So, you're the wolf girl.

Guess so.

Well, I'm engaged to one.

Save some for your brothers.

And the ladies first.

Muffin?

- Sure. Thanks.

Leave it to Jake upto find

a way around Sam's gag order.

He didn't say anything to me.

- That's a wolf thing.

Alpha's orders get obeyed

whether we want to or not.

Alright, check it out!

We can hear each other's thoughts.

Will you just shut up?

These are trade secrets.

Damn it!

This chick runs with vampires.

I can't really run with vampires.

Because they are fast.

Yeah? Oh, we are faster.

Freaked out yet?

You're not the first monsters, I met.

Jake's right.

You are good with the weird.

Sorry.

So you're a werewolf?

Yeah, last time I checked.

A few lucky members of the tribe

that have the gene.

If a bloodsucker moves into town,

and the fever sets in.

Mono?

Yeah, I wish.

You can't find a way to stop?

I mean it's wrong.

It's not a life-style choice, Bella.

I was born this way,

I can't help it.

You are such a hypocrite.

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