This Isn't 'The Twilight Saga: New Moon': The XXX Parody Page #5

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What, I'm not the

right kind of monster for you?

It's not what you are.

It's what you do.

They never hurt anybody.

You killed people, Jake.

Bella, we're not killing anyone.

Then, who is?

We're trying to protect

you people from them.

The only thing we do kill.

Vampires.

Jake, you can't...

Don't worry, we can't touch your

little precious Cullens.

Unless they violate the Treaty.

It's not what I'm saying.

You can't kill vampires, though.

They will kill you.

- Really?

We took out that leech with

the dreads easy enough.

Laurent?

And his redhead girlfriend is next.

Vic... Victoria is here?

- Was.

We chased her all the way to the

Canadian border the other night.

But she keeps coming back.

We don't know what she's after.

- I do.

Me.

Don't worry,

we've got this place covered.

She wont get near you or Charlie.

But you gotta be careful.

She's fast, you don't know,

how fast she is.

You know, your lack of confidence

in us is a little insulting.

Alright, I better go.

And you gotta go.

- Yeah.

I got a vampire to kill.

Alice, I'm alright.

Until I'm alone.

And lately,

that's all the time.

Jacob's gone,

he's hunting for Victoria.

And Charlie is hunting Jacob.

And you're gone.

And so is Edward.

And I just have nothing now.

You got something, Harry?

Nope, nothing.

But I realize where I have to go,

What I have to do

to see him again.

Don't do this.

You wanted me to be human.

Watch me.

Please? For me?

You won't stay with me

any other way.

Bella. Please.

Breathe!

Breathe!

Come on, Bella.

Breathe.

Bella?

Bella, can you hear me?

Jake.

What the hell were you thinking, huh?

I just needed to see something.

Take her home.

I'm gonna go help over at Harry's place.

What happened at Harry's?

Harry Clearwater had a heart attack.

Charlie and my Dad are at Harry's place

with his family.

Is he okay?

- He's gone.

Come on, I'll give you smething to dry

and drive you home.

Hundred and eight degrees over here.

God!

My hands are freezing.

It must be nice, never getting cold.

Its a wolf thing.

- It's not.

Its a Jacob thing.

Youre just warm.

You're like, your own sun.

This is better.

Now that you know about me.

But...?

You saw what happened to Emily.

Sam got angry,

...lost it for a split second...

...Em was standing too close.

He will never be able

to take that back.

What if I get mad at you?

Sometimes...

I feel like, I'm gonna disappear.

You need not hear it from me.

But I always will.

You're not gonna loose yourself.

I won't let that happen.

How?

I'll tell you all the time.

How special you are.

Thank you...

...for everything.

Wait!

There's a vampire.

- How do you know?

I can smell it.

I'm getting you out.

That's Carlisle's car!

Theyre here.

Bella, it's a trick. Stop!

You gotta come with me.

They won't hurt me.

If a Cullen is back here,

this is their territory.

The treaty says we can only

defend our own lands.

I can't protect you here.

- Okay, it's okay. You don't have to.

Youre about to cross a line.

- Then don't draw one.

Please.

Alice!

- You're dead!

Bella?

- What are you...?

I'm sorry, I just...

I can't believe you're here.

Is... Is...?

Would you like to explain to me

how you're alive?

What?

- I saw a vision of you.

You jumped off a cliff.

Why in the hell would you try

and kill yourself?

I mean, what about Charlie? What about...?

- I didn't try to kill myself.

I was cliff jumping.

Recreationally!

It was fun.

I have never met anyone more prone

to life-threatening idiocy.

Did you... did you tell him?

- No.

He only calls once in a few months.

He said he wants to be alone.

Aw, what is that

God awful wet dog smell?

That's probably me.

Or... it's Jacob.

Jacob who?

Jacob's kind of a werewolf.

Ugh! Bella! Werewolf's are not

good company to keep!

Speak for yourself.

I had to see if you were safe.

I thought you couldn't protect me here.

Guess, I don't care.

Well, I'm not gonna hurt her.

No, you're just a harmless Cullen.

We're talking about

the other bloodsucker...

...who tried to kill Bella

because of you.

Victoria?

- Yeah, Victoria has been around.

I didn't see her.

I didn't see you getting pulled out

of the water either.

I can't see past you

and your pack of mutts!

Don't get me upset.

- Hey, stop!

Things are gonna get very ugly!

- Stop! Stop! Stop!

I will give you a minute.

You're going anywhere,

you're gonna come back, right?

As soon as you put the dog out.

Is he...?

Are there others?

How many Cullens are here

and how long are they staying?

No.

It's just Alice.

And she can stay

as long as she like.

Are the rest coming back?

No.

Not that I know of.

Anything else?

That's it.

Well, if that's all, then you better go

run back to Sam.

I have done it again.

I keep breaking my promise.

We don't have to do this to each other.

Yes, we do.

Bella...

Stay with me forever.

Swan Residence.

He's not here right now.

He's arranging a funeral.

Who is that?

What?

- Always in the way.

Who was that?

- Bella, step back.

Jacob, who was that?

- Stop.

Bella, it's Edward.

He thinks you are dead.

Rosalie told him,

why I came here.

Why would you...?

Why didn't you let me speak to him?

He didn't ask for you.

- I don't care!

Bella, he's going to the Volturi.

He wants to die too.

He left you, Bella.

He didn't want you anymore, remember?

But I'm not gonna let him

kill himself out of guilt.

What about your Dad?

I'm eighteen,

I'm legally free to go.

And I left a note.

Please, Bella.

Just... stay here.

Not for Charlie.

For me...

I gotta go.

I'm begging you.

Please.

Bye, Jacob.

Okay.

So you made up your mind?

I'm afraid your particular gifts...

...are too valuable

to destroy.

But if you're unhappy

with your lot,

...join us.

We would be delighted

to utilize your skills.

Won't you consider

staying with us?

You know what will happen anyway.

Not without cause.

Such a waste.

I'm guessing you didn't rent this car?

I figured, you wouldn't be

opposed to grand theft auto.

Not today.

What? What are you seeing?

- They refused him.

So...?

- He's gonna make a scene.

Show himself to the humans.

- No! When?

He's gonna wait until noon,

when the sun's at it's highest.

Alice, you gotta hurry up.

- There's Volterra.

Why are they all in red?

- San Marcos Day festival.

They're commemorating the expulsion

of the vampires from the city.

It's the perfect setting.

The Volturi will never let him

get far enough to reveal himself.

We have 5 minutes.

- You know, Bella? Breathe.

Alice?!

Bella, you're the only one

he can't see coming.

If I go, he will read my thoughts...

...he'll think I'm lying

and rush into it.

Where do I go?

- He'll be under the clock tower.

Go!

No!

Heaven.

You have to move!

Open your eyes, look at me.

I'm alive.

You have to move!

Bella?

You're here.

- Yeah.

You're alive!

Yes.

I needed you to see me once.

You had to know that I was alive.

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