This Isn't the Help - It's a XXX Spoof Page #2

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Do you know any maids looking?

No, ma'am.

OK. It's Celia Foote.

Emerson-684.

Bye now.

You scared the daylights out of me!

It is lunchtime,

and I am suddenly hungry.

Honestly!

Oh.

I'm still working on it, Aibileen.

Who was that on the phone?

Miss Celia Foote called again.

I've never called her back, Hilly.

She can't take a hint, can she?

Who's Celia Foote?

That tacky girl Johnny married.

From Sugar Ditch.

It could have been you, Hilly.

And live 30 minutes outside of town?

No, thank you.

Anyway, I ran into her at the beauty

parlor, and she had the nerve to ask

if she could help with

the Children's Benefit Ball.

Aren't we taking non-members?

The benefit has gotten so big.

Yes, but we're not telling her.

Thank you, Aibileen.

Hilly, I wish you'd just

go use the bathroom.

I'm fine.

Oh, she's just upset

because the nigra uses the guest bath

and so do we.

Aibileen, go check on Mae Mobley.

Yes, ma'am.

Just go use mine and Raleigh's.

If Aibileen uses the guest bath,

I'm sure she uses yours, too.

She does not.

Wouldn't you rather them

take their business outside?

Have you all seen the cover

of Life this week?

Jackie's never looked more regal.

Tell Raleigh every penny he spends

on a colored's bathroom

he'll get back in spades

when y'all sell.

it's just plain dangerous. They carry

different diseases than we do.

Pass.

That's why I've drafted

the Home Health Sanitation Initiative.

The what?

A disease-preventative bill

that requires every white home to have a

separate bathroom for the colored help.

It's been endorsed

by the White Citizens' Council.

Maybe we should just build you

a bathroom outside, Hilly.

You ought not to joke

about the colored situation.

I'll do whatever it takes

to protect our children.

Your lead, Elizabeth.

- Aibileen?

- Yes, ma'am.

Do you think you'd be willing to help me

with those Miss Myrna letters?

Miss Myrna get it wrong a lot of times.

Be good to get it right.

Thank you, Aibileen.

All that talk in there today...

Hilly's talk?

I'm sorry you had to hear that.

Is that Preacher Green's sermon?

Yes, ma'am, it is.

That reminds me so much of my maid,

Constantine.

I know Constantine.

We're in church circle together.

Have you seen her lately?

No, ma'am.

Did you know that she had quit us?

Quit?

I got home from school a week ago,

and my mama told me she had quit.

Back in March, she went to live with

her daughter, Rachel. In Chicago.

Did you hear that?

Do you have her phone number?

There you are, Skeeter.

Hilly wants you to put her initiative

in the League newsletter.

OK.

I'll be back tomorrow, Aibileen,

to get started on those

Miss Myrna letters.

Y'all make it quick.

Tomorrow is silver-polishing day. OK?

Hi, Jameso.

How you, Miss Eugenia?

Mama?

Mama.

Yoo-hoo.

Mama?

Back here, honey!

Is this a little too young?

That's a little too everything.

Oh, hell. You're right.

OK.

Much better.

Your daddy bought me this dress in '58.

Mama, I want to ask you

about Constantine.

Right after Ole Miss won the Sugar Bowl.

Come on. You try it on.

What really happened?

Skeeter, your mother is sick.

She wants to see you in this dress.

Unzip me.

Come on.

Did I tell you Fanny Peatrow

got engaged?

After she got that teller job,

her mother said she was swimming

in proposals.

Good for fair Fanny Peatrow.

Eugenia, your eggs are dying.

Would it kill you to go on a date?

Just show a little gumption.

Careful now, careful.

Oh, now look at this.

This dress is just precious on you.

Just take it in a little here.

Little there.

- Get your hair fixed.

- I got a job today.

Where?

Writing for The Jackson Journal.

Great.

You can write my obituary!

"Charlotte Phelan, dead!

Her daughter, still single. "

Mother, would it really be so bad

if I never met a husband?

Skeeter! Skeeter!

Skeeter!

I need to ask you something.

I read the other day about how

some girls get unbalanced.

They start thinking these...

...unnatural thoughts.

Are you...

Do you, uh... find men attractive?

Are you having unnatural thoughts

about girls or women?

Oh, my God.

Because this article says there's

a cure. A special root tea!

Mother, I want to be with girls as much

as you want to be with Jameso.

- Eugenia!

- Unless, of course, you do!

Oh!

Carlton's bringing Rebecca to dinner.

Try to look presentable!

What the hell you know

about cleaning a house, Skeeter?

It's a start, Carlton.

If you say so.

I thought you wanted to write books.

Now, y'all leave Sister alone.

- I'm proud of you, sweetheart.

- The irony of it all.

Giving advice on how to keep up a home

when she doesn't even...

Oh, no, Pascagoula. You couldn't have

known this, but I'm allergic to almonds.

Sorry, Miss Eugenia,

I'll get you another one.

You know, last time I had an almond,

I stopped liking men.

Oh, my Lord.

Oh, no, Rebecca, it's fine. There's

a special root tea for that now.

You have pushed it, young lady.

Daddy. What happened to Constantine?

Uh, well...

Constantine went to live in Chicago

with her family.

People move on, Skeeter.

But I do wish that she'd

stayed down here with us.

I don't believe you.

She would've written and told me.

Did you fire her?

We were just a job to her, honey.

With them, it's all about money.

You'll understand that once you've

hired help of your own.

- She raised me.

- She did not!

She worked here for 29 years!

It was a colored thing

and I put it behind me!

Excuse me a moment, Rebecca. My daughter

has upset my cancerous ulcers.

What you doing hiding out here, girl?

I couldn't tell Mama I didn't

get asked to the dance.

It's all right.

Some things we just got to

keep to ourselves, right?

All the boys say I'm ugly.

Mama was third runner-up in

the Miss South Carolina pageant.

I wish you'd quit

feeling sorry for yourself.

Now, that's ugly.

Ugly is something that

goes up inside you.

It's mean and hurtful, like them boys.

Now you're not one of them, is you?

I didn't think so, honey.

Every day...

Every day you're not

dead in the ground,

when you wake up in the morning, you're

gonna have to make some decisions.

Got to ask yourself this question:

"Am I gonna believe

all them bad things them fools

say about me today?"

You hear me?

"Am I gonna believe all them bad things

them fools say about me today'?"

All right?

As for your mama,

she didn't pick her life.

It picked her.

But you...

...you're gonna do

something big with yours.

You wait and see.

Come on, go home with me

till the dance over. Come on.

Miss Stein, you said in your letter

to write about what disturbs me,

particularly if it bothers no one else.

Come on.

And I understand that now.

Continue.

I'd like to write something

from the point of view of the help.

These colored women

raise white children,

and in 20 years,

those children become the boss.

We love them and they love us,

but they can't even use the toilets

in our houses.

Don't you find that ironic, Miss Stein?

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