This Isn't the Help - It's a XXX Spoof Page #5

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because your mother convinced you you're

not good enough for somebody like him.

Saturday night.

Good morning.

Good morning, Baby Girl.

Good morning.

I reckon I'm ready to talk about

Miss Leefolt now.

Baby Girl still gotta wear a diaper

when she sleep at night.

And it don't get changed till

I get there in the morning.

That about ten hours

she gotta sleep in her mess.

Now Miss Leefolt pregnant

with her second baby.

Lord... I pray this child

turn out good.

It's a lonely road if a mama

don't think their child is pretty.

That's very true.

Miss Leefolt should not

be having babies.

Write that down.

Treelore would like me doing this.

He always said we were gonna have

a writer in the family one day.

I always thought it was gonna be him.

Maybe it's gonna be me.

Aibileen, Aibileen.

They done set a bomb off

in Medgar Evers' carport.

Yule Mae told me what y'all was up to.

I didn't want to believe it.

And just what makes you think

colored people need your help?

- Why do you care?

- Minny.

Maybe you just want

to get Aibileen in trouble.

No.

I want to show her perspective.

So people might understand

what it's like from your side.

Well, it's a real Fourth of July picnic.

It's what we dream of doing

all weekend long.

Get back into they house,

polish the silver.

And we just love not making minimum wage

or getting Social Security.

And how we love they children

when they little.

And then they turn out

just like they mamas.

I know.

Maybe things can change.

What law's gonna say you

gotta be nice to your maid?

You don't have to do this now, Minny.

You damn right I don't!

You two give me the heart palpitations.

And that's a good mood.

All right. I'm gonna do it.

But I need to make sure she understands

this ain't no game we playing here.

Slide your chair out from under

that table. Face me.

I need to see you square on

at all times.

I gotta come up with

your questions, too?

Oh.

Uh, let's begin

with where you were born.

Belzoni, Mississippi,

on my great-auntie's sofa.

Next.

- I put the green beans in first.

- OK.

Then I get on the pork chops so I can

get started on that cornbread.

Once Minny got to talking

about food, she liked to never stop.

And when she got to talking about

the white ladies, it took all night.

Then she say, "Oh, Minny,

I'm gonna give you a paid vacation. "

I ain't never had no paid vacation

in my life.

A week later I come back,

and they done moved to Mobile.

Miss Lazy Fingers scared I'd find

a new job before she moved.

Ain't that right, Aibileen?

We gots to get some more maids.

It hard. You go try and see.

OK, I will.

We gone and done it now.

Skeeter! Get down here! Something just

arrived from New York for you.

What is that?

The Shinalator.

All the way from New York City.

I'm a good mother.

Come on. Sit down.

The whole system cost 11 dollars.

Even smells expensive.

You're gonna look beautiful

on your date tonight.

I can feel the hope in your fingers.

Holy sh*t.

- You shrunk five inches.

- Oh, my God.

You'll be able to wear heels tonight.

You're not leaving the house in those

awful Mexican man shoes.

Can I take the Cadillac?

We promised the Cadillac

to Carlton and Rebecca tonight,

so William's cousin will just

have to come pick you up himself.

- I'll take the truck.

- It's hooked up to the motor grader.

I'll drive slow.

Skeeter! Skeeter!

Now remember, no gentleman wants

to spend the evening with a sourpuss.

Don't mope! Smile!

And for heaven's sakes, don't sit like

some squaw Indian! Cross your ankles!

I love you!

Stuart, she'll be here any minute.

Hey. -

Skeeter.

Boys, we'll be right back. Y'all talk

about quarterbacks or something.

Yule Mae, get Miss Skeeter a Coca-Cola.

Yes, ma'am.

Want a drink?

Just water, please.

Double Old Kentucky, straight

with a water back. Make that two backs.

You sure you don't want to just make it

the whole bottle and a straw?

Honey, there's the lieutenant governor.

Let's go say hi.

Good to see you, sir.

You remember my wife?

Hi, how are you? Good to see you.

So, what do you do with your time?

You work?

I write.

But right now I'm working on

a domestic maintenance column

for The Jackson Journal.

You mean housekeeping.

Jesus, I can't think of anything worse

than reading a cleaning column,

except for maybe writing one.

Well, I can.

Working with a bunch of greasy,

stinky men in the middle of the ocean.

It sounds like a ploy to find a husband,

becoming an expert in keeping house.

Well, aren't you a genius?

You figured out my whole scheme.

Isn't that what all you girls

from Ole Miss major in...

...professional husband hunting?

Who is hungry?

I'm sorry, but were you dropped

on your head as an infant?

Or were you just born stupid?

So, what can you cook?

Oh, um, I can cook cornpone.

Boil potatoes.

I can do grits.

Well...

...I reckon if there's anything you

ought to know about cooking, it's this.

The most important invention since

they put mayonnaise in a jar.

You got gum in your hair,

you got a squeaky door hinge...

Crisco.

How pretty.

Looks like frosting.

You got bags under your eyes.

Want to soften your husband's

scaly feet.

Mm-hm. Crisco.

But it's best for frying chicken.

Frying chicken just...

...tend to make you

feel better about life.

At least me, anyway.

Mm, I love me some fried chicken.

Now...

...shake that.

Oh.

This is so much fun!

All right, all right.

The chicken already dead, Miss Celia.

Yep. He dead.

There you are.

I'm starved. Looks so good.

We done been over this, Miss Celia.

You supposed to eat in the dining room.

That's how it works.

Let me take your plate back.

I'm fine right here, Minny.

What?

I just want you to know

I'm real grateful you're here.

You gots plenty more

to be grateful for than me.

And look, now I ain't

messing around no more.

Now Mr. Johnny gonna catch me here,

and shoot me dead right here

on this no-wax floor.

You gots to tell him.

Ain't he wondering how

the cooking's so good?

You're right.

Maybe we ought to

burn the chicken a little.

Minny don't burn chicken.

I like this Sarah Ross. She testifies

without complaining too much.

And that Bertha,

she's got chutzpah, I'll give her that.

So you liked it?

Eugenia, Martin Luther King

just invited

the entire country to march with him

in D.C. in August.

This many Negroes and whites

have not worked together since

Gone with the Wind.

How many stories have you

recorded thus far?

The ones you've read.

Two domestics, that's all?

I'm real close to

getting more interviews.

Don't send me anything else

until you do have more maids.

Yes, ma'am. How... how many more?

I don't know. At least a dozen.

My advice to you is to write it

and write it fast

before this whole civil rights thing

blows over.

Now good night to you, Miss Phelan.

We need a dozen more.

Me and Aibileen done asked everybody

we know. Thirty-one maids.

They all too scared. Think we crazy.

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