This Isn't the Help - It's a XXX Spoof Page #7

---

high-powered rifle at Evers' silhouette.

I'm all right. Sit down. You all right?

- I'm OK.

- The bullet hit him in the back,

crashed through his body

through a window, into the house.

He died within an hour

at a Jackson hospital.

City detectives believe the fatal shot

was fired from...

KKK shot him. An hour ago.

Right in front of his children,

Aibileen.

We're gonna pray for the Evers.

We're gonna pray for Myrlie.

We living in hell. Trapped.

Our kids, trapped.

Sugar, take your brothers and sisters

and y'all go on to bed.

Good night.

Good night. Good night.

Oh. Good night, baby.

What they gonna do if they catch us

with Miss Skeeter?

We're gonna be careful.

Hitch us to a pickup? Drag us behind?

Shoot me in front of my children?

We ain't doing civil rights.

We're just telling stories

like they really happened.

You're a fool, old woman.

A fool.

Miss Phelan, the presses are heating up.

We needed Miss Myrna 30 minutes ago.

Yes, Sir.

Chop-chop.

Good Lord.

Miss Celia?

Miss Celia?

Go home.

I'll see you tomorrow.

You mess up your hair coloring again?

I helped you ix it last time.

We got it back to butter batch.

Was real pretty, remember?

Miss Celia.

I told you, go home!

I said get out!

Why is there so much blood?

Next one's gonna catch, Miss Celia.

You just wait and see.

We got married 'cause I was pregnant.

Then I lost it a month later.

Johnny wants kids now.

What's he gonna do with me?

Well...

Mr. Johnny just gonna have

to get over it.

He doesn't know about the baby.

Or the two before.

Yule Mae Davis?

- What do you want me to do?

- You're under arrest.

Just call my husband.

Just call my husband.

- Wait a minute. I want my purse.

- No, you're under arrest.

I want to get my purse.

I want to get my purse! Aibee!

- Don't fight, Yule Mae!

- Aibee!

Aibee, I want my purse! I want my purse!

Just let me go!

Yule Mae, don't fight.

I knew she was a thief

the day she started.

A nigra walks into a pawn shop

with a ring of such size and color.

It took them all of ten minutes

to find out where she worked.

I am desperate for

a grilled cheese sandwich.

Are you? Are you?

Do you want a grilled cheese sandwich?

Oh, yes.

Just go sit down over there.

Miss Skeeter, you best head on over

to Miss Aibileen's house.

Now.

I'm gonna help with your stories.

I'm gonna help, too. Mm-hm.

We all are.

- That's right.

- I'll help you.

I used to take

a shortcut every day

when I went to work

at Dr. Dixon's house.

Cut through that farmer's lower 40

to get there.

One day this farmer

was waiting for me with a gun.

Said he'd shoot me dead

if I walked on his land again.

Dr. Dixon went and paid that farmer

double for two of those acres.

Told him he was gonna

start farming, too.

But he bought that just for me,

so I could get to work easy.

He did.

I worked for Miss Jolene's mother

till the day she died.

Then her daughter, Miss Nancy,

asked me to come and work for her.

Miss Nancy is a real sweet lady.

But Miss Jolene's ma done put it in her

will I got to work for Miss Jolene.

Miss Jolene's a mean woman.

Mean for sport.

Lord, I tried to find another job.

But in everybody's mind

the French family

and Miss Jolene owned me.

Owned me.

I leave early

this week for Thanksgiving.

Our last editors' meeting

is December 17th,

so if you want a prayer

of this getting read,

- I'd better have it by then.

- That's in three weeks, Miss Stein.

Well, otherwise it goes in the pile.

You do not want it in the pile.

Yes, ma'am.

And put something personal in there.

Write about the maid who raised you.

I understand.

Well, we have a lot of work to do

before the benefit, don't we?

I know, but I think We're on track.

We're doing quite well.

- it's so good.

- Mm-hm.

- Who's there?

- I don't know.

Aibileen?

Hey, Elizabeth!

It's me, Celia Foote.

I was in the neighborhood.

Thought I'd drop by.

Everybody hide.

Everybody get down, get down.

Get down! Get down! Get down!

- Turn off the music.

- Who are we hiding from?

Shh!

Hey!

Shh!

I brought a chocolate pie!

My maid, Minny, made it.

She's in the bushes.

Don't be taking those women

any more pies, you understand?

They made me stand there like I was

the vacuum salesman.

Why, Minny?

Because they know about you getting

knocked up by Mr. Johnny.

Mad you married one of their mens.

And especially since Miss Hilly and

Mr. Johnny had just broke up, too.

Hilly probably thinks that I was

fooling around with Johnny

when they were still going steady.

Mm-hm.

And Missus Walters always said Miss

Hilly still sweet on Mr. Johnny, too.

No wonder!

They don't hate me.

They hate what they think I did.

They hate you 'cause they think

you white trash.

I'm just going to have to tell Hilly

I ain't no boyfriend stealer.

In fact, I'll tell her Friday night

at the benefit.

You don't need to be going

to that benefit, Miss Celia.

Did you hear me? You just stay home.

That looks bad.

Let me take a look.

I got to get these peas on.

I know you didn't fall

in no tub, Minny.

You know what I'd do if I were you?

I'd give it right back to him.

I'd hit him over the head

with a skillet,

and I'd tell him, "Go straight to hell. "

From here, the members of the family...

...visitors from foreign countries

and others

will walk to St. Matthew's Cathedral.

Senator Edward Kennedy

getting out of the car.

Mrs. Kennedy.

Robert Kennedy, Attorney General.

Sweetheart, I gotta

get down to the coast.

I'll be back in time for the benefit.

The world done gone crazy,

Miss Skeeter, and I'm scared.

What if people ind out what we writing,

figure out Niceville really Jackson,

figure out who who?

Maybe we need us some insurance.

I told God I'd never speak of it again.

But we ain't got no choice.

Sorry.

I need to tell y'all about the terrible

awful I done to Miss Hilly.

It might be the only thing

that keep us safe.

Mmm.

Mm-mm-mm.

So...

Nobody wanted to hire a sass-mouthing,

thieving nigra.

Did they?

Oh. Pie's as good as always, Minny.

I'm glad you like it.

Mmm.

Oh.

If I take you back, I'll have to cut

your pay five dollars a week.

Take me back?

What do you put in here

that makes it taste so good?

That good vanilla from Mexico...

...and something else real special.

Mmm.

No, no, no, Missus Walters.

That's Miss Hilly's special pie.

Mama can have a piece.

Cut her one.

Go get a plate.

Eat my sh*t.

What'd you say?

I said, "Eat... my... sh*t. "

Have you lost your mind?

No, ma'am, but you about to,

'cause you just did.

Did what?

And you didn't eat just one.

You had two slices!

Run, Minny, run!

You trying to get yourself killed?

No! I wasn't planning on telling.

I just wanted to see her take a bite.

Then I was gonna leave.

Be done with her forever.

Before I knew it, I had done

told that woman what was in that pie!

I done ask God to forgive me.

But more for what happened

to poor Miss Walters.

Miss Hilly threw her in that

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote