This Isn't the Help - It's a XXX Spoof Page #8

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nursing home... just for laughing.

We can't put that story in the book.

We ain't got no choice.

Hilly Holbrook can't let nobody know

that pie story about her.

Exactly. If people find out

the terrible awful

was you and Miss Hilly

we in trouble there ain't words for.

Right! But don't you see?

She gonna go to her grave convincing

folks this book ain't about Jackson.

Now, that keeps us safe. Insured.

No.

No, that's too dangerous.

Y'all two brought me into this,

but I'm gonna finish it.

Either put it in, or pull my parts

out altogether. Y'all pick!

Thank you, Tommy. I should be out

by 10:
00. See you then.

This is Jolene French, reporting from

the African Children's Benefit Ball,

and I'm here with League President,

Miss Hilly Holbrook.

Thanks, Jolene. And I'm just so excited

for the auction tonight, aren't you?

I'm absolutely thrilled.

Scandalous!

Thank you.

Hi!

Did you see what Miss Celia got on?

Lord, have mercy. Women better hold onto

their husbands tonight.

Miss Leefolt been working on that dress

for four weeks

and that's what she came up with?

Here.

Kiss me.

Everybody enjoying the evening?

Let's give a nice round of applause

for the help.

For all the men and women who have

helped make tonight possible.

A cause I'm sure is dear

to their hearts as well.

- Your cocktail.

- Thank you.

Honey, don't you think

you've had enough to drink?

I wish you'd try and eat something.

I'm not having my stomach poke out.

OK, OK, everybody, quiet down.

I got the list of the winners!

OK.

The winner of the beautiful

mink car coat is...

...Charlotte Phelan!

Congrats, Miss Phelan.

Ladies, I hope

your husbands take note of that.

Now it's time for the baked goods.

Ooh, yummy, yummy!

The highest bid

in baked goods goes to

Minny Jackson's chocolate pie.

Congratulations...

...Hilly Holbrook!

- Oh! Hilly.

- That's funny.

I didn't bid on anything.

All right. And now it's time

for Danica's strawberry jam.

Shh!

Congratulations, Hilly!

I didn't know you were a fan

of Minny's pies.

I've been wanting to talk to you

all night.

Minny said why you won't be my friend.

It's 'cause you think me and Johnny

went behind your back.

Wait. I want to talk...

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry.

Come here, sweetheart.

Let me bring you back to your table.

- I'm really sorry.

- It's all right. Don't worry about it.

What are you trying to do to me?

What are you and that nigra up to?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You liar! Who did you tell?

Hilly, I got pregnant

after you and Johnny broke up!

- Oh, sh*t!

- Shut up, Mother!

Johnny never cheated on you.

At least not with me.

Oh, Johnny would never cheat on me.

I'm so sorry! I thought you'd be tickled

you won that pie!

You tell that nigra, if she tells

anybody, I will make her suffer!

Hey, that is enough.

Celia.

Hey, baby, what's the matter?

- Oh!

- Cel?

Oh!

Oh, sh*t. What a mess. Napkins.

Why don't we get back to the auction?

- Next up, Debby's peppermint bark.

- Celia!

It goes great with hot cocoa.

Oh, just come on home with us

tonight, Mother.

No, thanks. I've got a pie to eat.

You throw that pie away right now.

I spent good money on this pie.

I won it just for you.

You signed me up?

I may have trouble remembering my own

name, or what country I live in,

but there are two things

I can't seem to forget:

that my own daughter

threw me into a nursing home,

and that she ate Minny's sh*t.

Good night.

- Hey, how about a nightcap?

- Let's go.

I'm not right for this

kind of life, Minny.

I don't need a dining room table

for 12 people.

I couldn't get two people

over here if I begged.

I can't do this to Johnny any more.

That's why I've gotta go back

to Sugar Ditch.

You can't move back to Sugar Ditch.

Lord.

I reckon it's time you knew.

Sit down.

So Miss Hilly thought you knew about

the terrible awful.

That you was making fun of her.

It's my fault she pounced on you.

If you leave Mr. Johnny...

...then Miss Hilly done won

the whole ball game.

Then she done beaten me...

...and she done beat you.

Thank you for telling me that.

Lord, look at all these pages. 266.

Mm-mm!

So we just send it off?

Just wait and see?

Hope Miss Stein gonna publish it?

Well, I have one more story to type

before I put it in the mail,

but other than that, we're done.

Which one you got left?

Uh, mine.

I need to talk to you about Constantine.

Oh, Eugenia, that was so long ago.

What happened?

Oh.

What happened?

She didn't give me a choice.

The Daughters of America had just

appointed me state regent.

Grace Higginbotham, our esteemed

president, came all the way down

from Washington, D.C.,

to our house for the ceremony.

That's just beautiful. Look at that.

She'd gotten so old and slow, Skeeter.

Yes, ma'am.

It's such an honor

that you came all this way.

That's all right.

- Hello, Miss Charlotte.

- Rachel.

We were expecting you next week.

I decided to come early

and surprise Mama.

Oh.

I'm entertaining.

Why don't you go around back.

Wait in the kitchen.

Go on now.

I am sorry.

Rachel, what are you doing?

I'm just doing as I was told,

Miss Charlotte.

Going to the kitchen.

But I'm going to see my mama first.

Hello, Mama.

Go on to the kitchen, baby.

I'll be there directly.

You may put up with this kind

of nonsense, but I do not.

Get out of this house, Rachel.

You heard her. Go on, girl.

Miss Charlotte, let me take her to

the kitchen. Come on, baby. Let's go.

Charlotte.

Both of you.

Leave. Now.

Come on, Mama.

Come on now.

Constantine didn't do anything wrong.

And you love Rachel. I know you do.

She was our president.

What was I supposed to do?

She did you the biggest favor of

your life. She taught me everything.

Well, you idolized her too much.

You always have.

I needed someone to look up to.

Well, I...

I went to her house the next day,

but she had already gone.

How could you not tell me all this?

Because I didn't want to upset you

during your final exams.

I knew you'd blame me,

and it wasn't my fault!

I have to go find her. She needs me.

- Eugenia.

- What?

We sent your brother up to Chicago

to bring Constantine home.

When he got there...

...she had died.

You broke her heart.

I'm...

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!

I'm sorry.

They printed a few thousand copies

with the worst advance Miss Stein

had ever seen.

Baby, what you doing with Alicia book?

You can't read.

They sent Miss Skeeter $600. She broke

that money up and gave it to each of us.

Divided 13 ways,

that came to about $46 each.

Y'all finish your homework.

Aibileen. Aibileen!

We just got this from Miss Skeeter.

Look at it.

Look at it.

Look at it!

Minny, we're rich!

"She fired me

for using her inside toilet.

Put me out in a storm and told me never

to come back. But I did come back.

I came back with a pie I had baked

to say I'm sorry.

I watched her eat... "

Well, it's a wonderful book, Hilly.

Filled with gripping testimonials

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