This Isn't the Help - It's a XXX Spoof Page #9

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from Mississippi's housekeepers.

OK, Mama. I need to run.

Well. You should read the book, Hilly.

It's quite scandalous.

Sounds like... Jackson, if you ask me.

Quite scandalous.

What book?

What's it called again?

Uh...

The Help. H-E-L-P.

There it is.

You told me to write something good.

- Something I believed in.

- It's not what I believe in.

That joke you pulled with Hilly

with the toilets, that's funny.

Why would you do this to us?

I don't even know why you care.

- What?

- Things are fine around here.

Why go stir up trouble?

Trouble's already here, Stuart.

I had to tell you this.

You needed to know.

Goddamn right I needed to know. You

should have told me this from the start.

You're a selfish woman, Skeeter.

Stuart.

I think you're better off being alone.

Yeah.

Did you get to that part yet

that I was telling you about?

Don't read ahead, whatever you do.

"What you done put up in this?"

"She Said, 'My Sh*t. "'

What's the matter, Hilly?

- Get off of me! Get off!

- Ouch! Stop hitting me!

I heard that Betty character

might be Mary Elizabeth.

It's not Jackson.

And that book is garbage. I bet the

whole thing is made up by some nigra.

And Jolene, didn't your mama

leave Cora to you in her will?

Yes, but that's not odd, is it?

Happens all the time, right?

The book is not about Jackson.

What the hell?

What are you doing here?

I've contacted my lawyer.

Hibbie Goodman? He's the best

libel attorney in the state.

Oh, Missy, you're going to jail.

You can't prove anything.

Oh, I 100 percent know you wrote it.

Nobody else in town is as tacky as you.

You don't know anything, Hilly.

Oh, I don't, do I?

You tell Aibileen the next time

she wants to write

about my dear friend Elizabeth...

Uh-huh.

Remember her? Had you in her wedding.

Let's just say Aibileen ought to have

been a little bit smarter

before putting in about that

L- shaped scratch

in poor Elizabeth's dining table.

And that n*gger Minny,

do I have plans for her.

Careful, Hilly. That's chapter 12.

Don't give yourself away now.

That was not me!

I've come to tell your mother

what a hippie you've become.

She's going to be disgusted by you.

Why, Hilly. Is everything OK, you two?

Oh, Mrs. Phelan.

Hilly, you're a sweaty mess.

Are you ill?

No, ma'am.

Darling, oh, no husband wants

to come home and see that.

Oh.

I didn't have time to get fixed up.

You know, Hilly, if I didn't

know any better,

I'd say you've been eating too much pie.

Mrs. Phelan, I came here...

In fact, I'm sure of it.

Now you get your raggedy ass

off my porch.

Go on.

Get off my property. Now!

Before we all get one of those

disgusting things on our lips!

Eugenia. Take me inside, please.

Yes, ma'am.

Skeeter, do you have plans tomorrow?

- No, ma'am.

- Good.

Because we are going shopping.

No single daughter of mine is

going to New York City

representing the great state

of Mississippi

without a proper cosmopolitan wardrobe.

How do you know about New York?

Oh, well, Miss Stein called last night.

Courage sometimes skips a generation.

Thank you for bringing it back

to our family.

I can't leave you like this.

Eugenia, I have made a decision.

My health's been on the uptick

these last few weeks,

and I know the doctor says it's

some kind of last strength nonsense,

but I have decided not to die.

Oh, Mama.

It's too late.

I tried calling Fanny Mae's

to make all your hair appointments

for the next 20 years,

but they wouldn't allow it.

I have never been more proud of you.

Thank you.

Mama.

Need some help with those?

Minny.

- Miss Celia!

- Minny, hey, stop! Minny!

- Miss Celia!

- Minny!

- Stay back!

- I'm not here to hurt you! Girl...

You gonna put the stick down?

Uh-uh.

Listen, Celia finally told me

about the babies.

All of them.

But I also know, the minute

you started working here,

she started getting better.

So, you saved her life.

You knew I was here the whole time?

Fried chicken and okra

on the first night?

Y'all could have at least put

some cornpone on the table.

No.

I couldn't let you eat no more cornpone,

Mr. Johnny.

Thanks to you, now I've had to let out

every pair of pants I own.

You just leave that.

Here you go.

Let's head on up the house.

What's this?

I cooked it all by myself.

Yes, she did.

She was up all night.

I wanted to do something special.

I wanted to say thank you.

So...

...I ain't losing my job?

No, you got a job here

for the rest of your life.

If you want it.

That's a mile-high meringue, Miss Celia.

- Please.

- Thank you.

Ooh.

You remember to check the thighs?

- Mm-hm. Cooked clean through.

- Ain't pink in the middle?

Uh-uh. Just the way you taught me.

Looky here.

That table of food

gave Minny the strength she needed.

She took her babies out from under Leroy

and never went back.

What are all these cars

doing out here? Are we late?

No, we ain't late.

Why ain't you singing?

We got to worry about getting

in there and getting our seats.

Come on now, we late!

- Who we clapping for?

- Honey, we clapping for you!

Come on down, Sister Clark!

Come on.

Come on.

All right, all right.

Now, uh... this is an important time

in our community.

And we have to thank you

for what you have done.

Now...

We know you couldn't put

your name in here,

so we all signed our own.

Thank you.

Come on, now. Come on.

Churches over two counties

signed our books. All for you and me.

It's beautiful.

What's wrong?

I got a job offer from Harper and Row

in New York.

Congratulations!

- I'm not taking it.

- What you mean you're not taking it?

I can't just leave you two here

when things are getting bad

from the mess that I created.

No. If bad things happen,

ain't nothing you can do about it.

And now it's for a reason

we can be proud of.

I don't mean to rub salt in your wound,

but you ain't got a good life here

in Jackson.

Plus, your mama's getting better.

You ain't got nothing left here

but enemies in the Junior League.

You done burned every bridge there is.

And you ain't never gonna

get another man in this town.

Everybody know that.

So don't walk your white butt

to New York, run it!

Looky here, Miss Skeeter.

I'm gonna take care of Aibileen.

And she's gonna take care of me.

Go find your life, Miss Skeeter.

Aibileen, can you come in here, please?

Good morning.

Aibileen, the silver

I lent Elizabeth last week.

It not polished good?

Humidity been fighting me

on polishing day.

When you returned it, three pieces

were missing from the felt wrapper.

A fork and two spoons.

Let me... Let me go check in the

kitchen. Maybe I left some behind.

You know as well as I do that silver's

not in the kitchen.

You check in Mae Mobley's bed?

Since the Lil Man was born,

she been putting things...

Do you hear her, Elizabeth?

She's trying to blame it on a toddler.

I ain't got no silver.

She says she doesn't have them.

Then it behooves me to inform you

that you are Tired, Aibileen.

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