Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

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1

Oh.

Oh, good morning.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

I'm Chef Goldblum.

And right now

I'll bet you're probably

just getting comfortable

in your own

Schlaaang Super Seat.

But maybe you're

asking yourself,

"What the heck is this

Schlaaang Super Seat exactly?"

Here's how the Schlaaang

Super Seat works!

First, several needles

are connected to

a vein in your arm.

Chemicals are then introduced

to synchronize your emotions

with the movie.

Next, air tubes are inserted

into the nasal cavity

to guide you into

a natural breathing pattern.

Exotic odors are released

to match the excitement

of the movie.

Finally, your legs are moved

out of your line of sight

and into our patented

Schlaaang stirrups,

to give you a viewing experience

you'll never forget.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I gotta tell you.

My favorite thing about this

whole Schlaaang Super Seat

is the automatic popcorn

machine in the armrest.

Of course, be careful.

I-- you know, I actually did this.

That hot butter

is gonna come spurting out.

Don't get it on your hand.

It's gonna burn.

And remember,

if you're not sitting

in a Schlaaang Super Seat...

you're just not

sitting down.

The Schlaaang Super Seat.

The ultimate film-watching

seating experience!

Close your left eye.

Now rapidly open and close

your left eye like this.

Wow! This is easy.

Now close your right eye.

Now rapidly open and close

your right eye like this.

Thank you.

It is advised to remove your

dentures or false teeth

before the movie begins.

I've been walking down

these streets for years.

Bonjour, Diamond Jim.

Bonjour.

Diamond Jim,

good to see you.

Bonjour.

They all know my name.

But I can't say

that I know theirs.

Bonjour.

- What can I say?

- sweet Paris.

Bonjour.

The smell of baguettes, flowers,

fresh meat in the air.

Bonjour.

Bonjour.

This is a town full of beautiful people

all around you.

Bonjour.

Oui, oui. Magnifique.

I'm Diamond Jim.

This is my home.

My people.

But there's only one

that has my attention.

What can I get you,

Diamond Jim?

What do I have to do

to get you to finally go out with me?

Well...

a girl cannot

say no to diamonds.

Well, why didn't

you say so?

Oh, my God,

it is so beautiful.

Now kiss me.

What the f*** was that?

- That's it.

- That's our movie.

- Should we?

- Let's go make a speech.

Okay.

One more second.

This is the story of Tim and Eric.

They were given

$1 billion

to make their first

feature film

Tommy Schlaaang.

I paid a billion dollars

for that piece of sh*t?

But Tim and Eric did not

spend their money wisely.

Despite the record-setting

budget,

they were only able

to edit together

three minutes

of useable footage.

They had expensive

personal make-overs.

These two guys don't get

into premiere parties.

These guys get in the front of

the line at premiere parties.

And they accidentally cast

a Johnny Depp impersonator

instead of the genuine

Johnny Depp.

- You said it was Johnny Depp.

- It smelled like Johnny Depp.

Everyone said this is Johnny Depp

on the set. It was a big day.

No, it wasn't Johnny Depp.

I know my Johnny Depp.

Other expenses included

helicopter rides to work,

10-course lunches,

and real diamonds

for the Diamond Jim suit.

The diamonds are forever,

though, and we can't return them, so...

Those diamonds

aren't going back.

They hired a personal shopper

and spiritual guru

named Jim Joe Kelly,

who they paid an astonishing

$500,000 a week.

I'm not even walking on a set

without Jim Joe.

If you think I'm gonna

get involved in something

without him being a part of this,

then you're out of your mind.

They also employed a team

of personal assistants,

including this

small man named Jason.

Not now.

Tim and I are making a speech about

our movie, and you f***ing blew it.

Come on, Jason, we need the hot corn

before the movie, not after the movie.

- You mind if I do it?

- Go ahead.

Come on!

Now sit down.

Sorry about that, gang.

But perhaps

most foolishly of all,

they signed a

legally binding contract

with the Schlaaang Corporation

which held them

personally responsible

for the $1 billion.

I want my money back!

We're going to sue you

for every dime.

You motherfuckers

are going to jail

for what you did!

After several

threatening letters

from the Schlaaang

Corporation,

Tim and Eric realized

they needed a plan

to pay back Schlaaang's

billion dollars.

- Shred it.

- Okay.

We've really got to think

of a way to get that money back.

There's got to be

an easy way to do it here.

Are you guys hungry?

We could get some beef chili

and hot dog buns

Iike you like to put your mouth

around like you like to do.

Ma! When we're hungry,

I'll ring the bell.

Then you'll know

to put some chili on.

After days of workshopping failed ideas,

Tim and Eric faced

the very real threat

of spending the rest

of their lives in jail.

But first they had to

terminate their relationship

with their trusted friend

and spiritual guru,

Jim Joe Kelly.

You're not going to believe

what I bought for you.

We've got to tell him.

Oh, mercy.

I'm sensing some...

real depression here.

What's going on?

Tell him.

Jim Joe, we have

to let you go.

Wha...

- I'm sorry.

- What? What?

- It's all over, Jim Joe.

- What?

- It's okay.

- What?

- It's okay, Jim Joe.

- Breathe.

I can't--

- Breathe.

- Oh!

- Jim Joe?

- Oh, God.

Ohh!

No! No!

Pull him up.

One, two, three!

That's not how you do CPR.

You go like this.

See? Do it. Sh*t.

He's drying out.

- He's drying out! Put him back in!

- Change our plan!

I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

No. No, no, no, no.

Just steep it.

Why can't I just work

at a reduced rate?

The money's gone. We lost a billion

dollars. We're screwed.

Easy, Jim Joe.

Easy.

After all that I've

done for you!

Oh, Jim Joe.

This is so much harder

for us than it is for you.

All right. We're sorry.

We're just broke.

Great singing voice.

He's wonderful.

He's remarkable.

I guess this is goodbye.

Time to move on.

Please out.

Is it "please out"

or "peace out"?

- It's up to you.

- Enjoy it.

Please out.

So, with nowhere left to go,

Tim and Eric headed

to their favorite nightclub,

Circus Disco,

to drown their sorrows.

I don't know what we're

going to do, man.

I think we're finished.

We screwed up.

No one's ever gonna let us

direct another movie

after that sh*t.

You know, I used to have this

crazy fantasy of the two of us

walking hand in hand

down that red carpet

on our way

to the Academy Awards.

That's nice.

I don't think

it's gonna happen.

I just want to get

f***ing drunk.

Forget about all this

billion-dollar bullshit.

I'm glad you said it because

I'm feeling the same way.

I want to get

so f***ing high.

- I want a hashish.

- I'm gonna get skit on my nose.

Yo, I want to go dumb.

I want to cut

my f***ing arm off.

I'd love to f***ing get

blackout-drunk with you,

get a bunch of dudes,

put a bunch of sh*t

up our holes.

Yeah,

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