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Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie
1
Oh.
Oh, good morning.
Hi. Hi. Hi.
I'm Chef Goldblum.
And right now
I'll bet you're probably
just getting comfortable
in your own
Schlaaang Super Seat.
But maybe you're
asking yourself,
"What the heck is this
Schlaaang Super Seat exactly?"
Here's how the Schlaaang
Super Seat works!
First, several needles
are connected to
a vein in your arm.
Chemicals are then introduced
to synchronize your emotions
with the movie.
Next, air tubes are inserted
into the nasal cavity
to guide you into
Exotic odors are released
to match the excitement
of the movie.
Finally, your legs are moved
out of your line of sight
and into our patented
Schlaaang stirrups,
to give you a viewing experience
you'll never forget.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I gotta tell you.
is the automatic popcorn
machine in the armrest.
Of course, be careful.
I-- you know, I actually did this.
That hot butter
Don't get it on your hand.
It's gonna burn.
And remember,
if you're not sitting
you're just not
sitting down.
The ultimate film-watching
seating experience!
Close your left eye.
Now rapidly open and close
your left eye like this.
Wow! This is easy.
Now rapidly open and close
your right eye like this.
Thank you.
dentures or false teeth
before the movie begins.
I've been walking down
these streets for years.
Bonjour, Diamond Jim.
Bonjour.
Diamond Jim,
good to see you.
Bonjour.
They all know my name.
But I can't say
that I know theirs.
Bonjour.
- What can I say?
- sweet Paris.
Bonjour.
The smell of baguettes, flowers,
fresh meat in the air.
Bonjour.
Bonjour.
This is a town full of beautiful people
all around you.
Bonjour.
Oui, oui. Magnifique.
I'm Diamond Jim.
This is my home.
My people.
But there's only one
that has my attention.
What can I get you,
Diamond Jim?
What do I have to do
to get you to finally go out with me?
Well...
a girl cannot
say no to diamonds.
Well, why didn't
you say so?
Oh, my God,
it is so beautiful.
Now kiss me.
What the f*** was that?
- That's it.
- That's our movie.
- Should we?
- Let's go make a speech.
Okay.
One more second.
This is the story of Tim and Eric.
They were given
$1 billion
to make their first
feature film
Tommy Schlaaang.
I paid a billion dollars
for that piece of sh*t?
But Tim and Eric did not
Despite the record-setting
budget,
they were only able
to edit together
three minutes
of useable footage.
They had expensive
personal make-overs.
These two guys don't get
into premiere parties.
These guys get in the front of
the line at premiere parties.
And they accidentally cast
a Johnny Depp impersonator
instead of the genuine
Johnny Depp.
- You said it was Johnny Depp.
- It smelled like Johnny Depp.
Everyone said this is Johnny Depp
on the set. It was a big day.
No, it wasn't Johnny Depp.
I know my Johnny Depp.
Other expenses included
helicopter rides to work,
10-course lunches,
and real diamonds
for the Diamond Jim suit.
The diamonds are forever,
though, and we can't return them, so...
Those diamonds
aren't going back.
and spiritual guru
named Jim Joe Kelly,
who they paid an astonishing
$500,000 a week.
I'm not even walking on a set
without Jim Joe.
If you think I'm gonna
get involved in something
without him being a part of this,
then you're out of your mind.
They also employed a team
of personal assistants,
including this
small man named Jason.
Not now.
Tim and I are making a speech about
our movie, and you f***ing blew it.
Come on, Jason, we need the hot corn
before the movie, not after the movie.
- You mind if I do it?
- Go ahead.
Come on!
Now sit down.
Sorry about that, gang.
But perhaps
most foolishly of all,
they signed a
legally binding contract
with the Schlaaang Corporation
which held them
personally responsible
for the $1 billion.
I want my money back!
We're going to sue you
for every dime.
You motherfuckers
are going to jail
for what you did!
After several
threatening letters
from the Schlaaang
Corporation,
Tim and Eric realized
they needed a plan
to pay back Schlaaang's
billion dollars.
- Shred it.
- Okay.
We've really got to think
of a way to get that money back.
There's got to be
an easy way to do it here.
Are you guys hungry?
We could get some beef chili
and hot dog buns
Iike you like to put your mouth
around like you like to do.
Ma! When we're hungry,
I'll ring the bell.
Then you'll know
to put some chili on.
After days of workshopping failed ideas,
Tim and Eric faced
the very real threat
of spending the rest
But first they had to
terminate their relationship
and spiritual guru,
Jim Joe Kelly.
You're not going to believe
what I bought for you.
We've got to tell him.
Oh, mercy.
I'm sensing some...
real depression here.
What's going on?
Tell him.
Jim Joe, we have
to let you go.
Wha...
- I'm sorry.
- What? What?
- It's all over, Jim Joe.
- What?
- It's okay.
- What?
- It's okay, Jim Joe.
- Breathe.
I can't--
- Breathe.
- Oh!
- Jim Joe?
- Oh, God.
Ohh!
No! No!
Pull him up.
One, two, three!
That's not how you do CPR.
You go like this.
See? Do it. Sh*t.
He's drying out.
- He's drying out! Put him back in!
- Change our plan!
I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
No. No, no, no, no.
Just steep it.
Why can't I just work
at a reduced rate?
The money's gone. We lost a billion
dollars. We're screwed.
Easy, Jim Joe.
Easy.
After all that I've
done for you!
Oh, Jim Joe.
This is so much harder
for us than it is for you.
All right. We're sorry.
We're just broke.
Great singing voice.
He's wonderful.
He's remarkable.
I guess this is goodbye.
Time to move on.
Please out.
Is it "please out"
or "peace out"?
- It's up to you.
- Enjoy it.
Please out.
So, with nowhere left to go,
Tim and Eric headed
Circus Disco,
I don't know what we're
going to do, man.
I think we're finished.
We screwed up.
No one's ever gonna let us
direct another movie
after that sh*t.
You know, I used to have this
crazy fantasy of the two of us
walking hand in hand
down that red carpet
on our way
to the Academy Awards.
That's nice.
I don't think
it's gonna happen.
I just want to get
f***ing drunk.
Forget about all this
billion-dollar bullshit.
I'm glad you said it because
I'm feeling the same way.
I want to get
so f***ing high.
- I want a hashish.
- I'm gonna get skit on my nose.
Yo, I want to go dumb.
I want to cut
my f***ing arm off.
I'd love to f***ing get
blackout-drunk with you,
get a bunch of dudes,
put a bunch of sh*t
up our holes.
Yeah,
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"Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 7 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/tim_and_eric's_billion_dollar_movie_21916>.
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