Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie Page #2

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let's go f***ing nuts.

Let's dance!

I want to get

so f***in' high

So f***in' high

I want to get

so f***in' high

Yo, I want

to go dumb

I'm gonna

get skit on my nose

Skit-skit-skit

on my nose...

Aah!

I'm gonna get

skit on my nose

Skit-skit-skit

on my nose

Dumb...

Aah!

Aah!

I want a hashish

Ha-ha-ha-hashish

I want a hashish

Ha-ha-ha-hashish

Cut my f***ing arm off

F***-f***-f***-

f***ing arm off...

F***-f***-f***-

f***ing arm off...

Ow!

Put a bunch of sh*t

up our holes

Bunch-bunch of sh*t

up our holes...

Oh, wow.

Bunch-bunch of sh*t.

Ohh...

Yeah.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

Do you want to make

a billion dollars?

It's easy. Come and run my mall.

You'll be rich.

Hey, Eric,

come check this out.

You all love malls,

so take my mall.

What's the matter?

You don't want to make

a billion dollars?

Anyone can run

a stupid f***ing mall,

even you.

Are you a man,

or possibly two men,

who need to make

a billion dollars?

Come and run my mall.

We're having hard times.

We need your ideas.

Everybody needs a billion.

Come and take over the S'wallow Valley

Mall and pizza court.

It's easy.

Not hard.

I said it's easy,

not hard.

There's never been an easier

way to make a billion dollars.

It's easy. And here's

- it's easy.

What's the matter? You don't want

to make a billion dollars?

My day wasn't going good

until I put on these--

Billion dollars.

Man, I love this--

Billion dollars.

I'm giving away a billion--

billion dollars!

But you gotta

run my mall.

Please save our mall.

We need your help.

Ah.

I work at one of the kiosks,

and it would mean the world

- if someone would come in here...

- She's so beautiful.

...and help us make

this mall great again.

Come to the S'wallow Valley Mall,

right off the 182 freeway

in S'wallow Valley.

Sounds crazy, Eric,

I know, but I think we can do this.

Yo, I like it.

- This mall could be easy money, man.

- That's right.

You know what? And I'm really good at

numbers, accounting, all that stuff.

Well, you know me. I'm a big P.R.,

strategy, marketing kind of guy.

But you know,

more importantly, man,

I just want to say this could

be a fresh start for us.

We could forget all about

this Hollywood bullshit

and really reinvent

ourselves.

Yeah. You know, I've been meaning

to tell you this all night,

but I love you, man.

And I love our friendship.

Well, thank you.

I honor you,

and I honor our friendship,

and I honor our love.

It would mean a lot to me

if we could run this mall

and I could make love

to this hot woman

and we could start a business

partnership together.

I love it, but I've

got a big problem.

I hate to do this

to you here.

I need to have an emergency

business meeting right now.

Because guess what? We don't have

a name for our company yet.

Sh*t.

All right.

What are we good at?

Well, we're men

who do business.

We want to be

business members.

We're boys

who do business.

- Yeah.

- But...

Eric. Look.

It's a sign.

"Doing business."

"Dobis."

I love it. It's got a ring

to it, doesn't it?

- Yeah.

- Dobis.

"That's who we are."

We're Dobis P.R.

Dobis.

- Look at that.

- Look at all the elements of business.

- Look it. They're all there, Eric.

- Market research.

- There's strategic P.R.

- Profit and loss.

I'll have the report

to you by Monday.

I'll look forward to it.

Guys,

I told you, you should

never have fired me.

Jim Joe,

what do you want?

I've got some poetry about regret

I'd like to share with you.

Come on, Jim Joe.

Friendship is warm,

friendship is touch.

Jim Joe, please stop.

We have to do this for ourselves.

We're sorry.

- We've got to leave you behind.

- I'm sick, and I'm lost,

and I'm tired

of floating around.

We love you, Jim Joe.

We wish you the best.

Let's go.

You cannot

look behind you

Oh, no, you can't

There's too much ahead

that excites you

Yes, there is

Just like two horses

Just like

two horses

Two horses

Running in the wind.

Hi, this is Tim and Eric.

Sorry we're not

here right now.

We've left town to become

business members.

We are now Dobis.

Please leave a message

for Dobis.

Be blessed.

Sh*t.

Son of a b*tch.

They just skipped town

on us, Tommy.

- You find them.

- Mm-hmm.

Find them if it's

the last thing you do.

I want to drink their blood.

- I want to take a knife and gut them!

- Yes.

Oh, God, let me watch

their insides fall out.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

What else, Tommy?

- I want to strap them up--

- Yes.

And let a bamboo tree grow

right up into their ass, huh?

Yes.

Until the tree grows straight

through their brains!

Yes. And I will

deliver them unto you.

I want to eat

their f***ing hearts!

Yeah!

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Okay.

Tell me what you think.

Uh, "Dear Mr. Weebs,

We are very, very, very,

very excited to meet you.

We are Dobis."

That's all I've got so far.

What do you think?

Oh, I'm sorry, dude.

I wasn't listening to you.

I'm just so focused

on this ridiculous look.

It's not working anymore.

Let me take a look.

It's just not right.

You know what, Eric, if we're

going to be businessmen,

I think maybe we should

look like businessmen, too.

- I agree.

- Hold on a second.

Now hold still.

Goodbye.

Oh!

Good night, Katie.

I miss you, my sweets.

Boy, you're really getting

attached to that photo, bud.

Tim, it's not

just a picture, man.

That could be

the girl of my dreams.

All right. Let's just

try to stay focused

on what's important here.

Ever since I saw you

in that commercial, Katie,

I felt this electricity

in my heart.

I can't wait to meet you

and make love to you

and go deep inside you

and show you my mushroom tip.

All right, well,

I'm hitting the sack.

Oh.

What the hell?

Okay.

- Katie.

- Okay.

All right.

You want to finish

that in the bathroom?

Almost done.

Almost done.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna

say good night, then.

Just like two horses

Just like

two horses

Two horses

Runnin' in the wind

Runnin' in the wind

Runnin' in the wind.

We've come

a long way, Tim.

We could turn around

right now if you want.

No.

I'm ready.

All right.

Let's go.

Hello?

Mr. Weebs?

Mr. Weebs?

Mr. Weebs?

Hello?

- What? What the--

- Mr. Weebs?

Go to heck!

- Whoa!

- Who is that, Taquito?

No, sir.

It's Dobis.

- It's Tim and Eric.

- Tim and Eric.

Oh.

- Oh. Come in.

- Thank you.

Yeah. Come in.

- Tim and Eric. Hello.

- Hi. Sorry to spook you.

- Good to meet you.

- Hi. Come in.

Hi. Hi.

I did not expect you guys.

I don't usually have visitors

at this time of the day.

So thank you.

Please, sit down.

Have a s--

God! Come on!

God damn it!

There's an order here.

Sorry.

Oh!

All this was organized.

Now, I don't know.

Because a couple of d*cks

walked in and wrecked it.

- Can I help you?

- No!

Have you ever visited

an office before?

- You want us to come back another time?

- No.

I almost had a heart attack.

Can we have a fresh start?

- That'd be great.

- Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.

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